What?????

so its weird. just weird. i mean this country. its just soooooo different from india. i still try to put worlds together but i just can't. i mean when i turn on NPR or any of the new i listen to its all about those guys who got like 1 million dollar bonuses with government bailout money!!!!! 1 million dollars. isn't that insane??? i mean....a 1 million dollar bonus is more then i will ever make...ever!!! it would support sari bari and all the staff and ladies for year and years and years and year. and then you have my neighbors who lived outside my flat on the street in kolkata. or what about the 6 phone calls i have gotten from guys looking for work b/c they have been laid off. I just feel so bad for them. and then there are my new clothes...that even though 85% of which were bought at garage sales, all of which i love and maybe even covet make me feel a little guilty. and then there is the fact that i thought i had enough money and then all of the sudden i realized if i wasn't living with gay i wouldn't be able to afford rent. and the money that i do have in my account used to be lots and lots in India but here...not so much. and what about the absolute excess i see here and how i look in my heart and i really really love my "stuff". i love the excess. and i love being comfortable. and i am somewhat disgusted with myself and how easily i feel like i give in to all this stuff i see around me.
and sometimes i feel fearful. i listen to the news and hear how america is going to get worse and i get scared and panic and wonder how i am going to make it...how this country will make it....and how far away we are from being like india. i really hope far away.
and i think that to help my fears i need to give. i feel self protected and fearful. that isn't abundant life is it?? that isn't trusting is it? what do i do with the 10,000 girls in sonagachi now that i can't touch them, or talk with them, or be with them? how do i keep them close and remember them and let them mold me and how do i fight for them now when all i want to do is wear pretty clothes and stay away from poverty and all that it brings. i want to stay in my nice bubble for awhile and eat nice food and not get hurt any more.
but that isn't abundant life either. is it?
i am pretty numb right now. self protected.
maybe its okay for this season. maybe its going to be okay. maybe i will be okay and i can some how live in tension between the rich and poor. i don't know if i ever found that balance in India...maybe that is good and how its supposed to be. maybe its the minute i stop struggling that Satan wins, poverty wins, the sex trade wins, evil wins..........i don't know.
just know i miss my friends. and love my friends here. two worlds pulling me.

i love that i have gay who helped me make a budget. i love that kyle and michelle put me on speaker phone. i love that i cried while writing this and it feels good. i love that i most likely will get to go to omaha and be recommissioned back here. i love that God is getting bigger to me. i love that i get to play on-line boggle lots. i love that i get to talk to jessa whenever i want.