Monday, March 30, 2009

why Kelly Clarkson is cool

So Saturday has been one of my favorite days in a really really long time. Laura and I scored free tickets to Universal Studios Mardi Gras celebration on the night the Kelly Clarkson just happen to be playing.....Laura and i have been wanting to see Kelly for about 4 years now. and i really really love Kelly clarkson. I drove beth and sarah crazy when we were in Bangladesh because every morning we would exercise to Kelly!! They were really tired of both me and Kelly by the end!!

but Laura and i got to go on a couple rides at universal (the mummy and shreck 4 d) and just had fun waiting in lines. she made me laugh lots. then we randomly run into our friends vanessa and eric. we snagged a place in line b/c the parade was starting. So vanessa and i had so much fun trying to catch beads from the floats. for some reason i found it hysterical in how much joy i found in catching the plastic beads. i laughed lots.

then came the concert....we actually kinda snuck up to the front side of the stage and actually had to totally ignore a security card who was trying to get us to move. but vanessa and Eric and laura held strong and i was so glad they did...b/c they were great seats.
Kelly came on stage...and yes ladies and gentlemen the rumors are true...she has gained weight. you could even see her arm fat. and her outfit wasn't very cool and she talked about burping on stage and made fun of her hair.......and sang freakin amazing!!!!!!!!!! and all the imperfections made her so cool and relate able and so my favorite girl pop rocker ever.
i mean one of her new songs talks about "I don't hook up, I take things slow, I don't hook up, i fall deep".............helloooooo how awesome is that!!!?? in a world where women are still defined by their sexuality...Kelly comes out with a song about not hooking it.
we got to jump up and down and sing at the top of our lungs. and the last song all these people had cleared folks we got even closer and more toward the center. and the last song was "my life would suck without you" and i jumped up and down as high as a i could and smiled and sang and for that 5 minutes all was right with the world. it was joyful and perfect and i was with friends and was safe and happy and felt completely satisfied and happy.
yeah....i was a kelly clarkson concert but it touched my soul....not in one of those deep thoughtful ways...but the way that say "its gonna be okay" Life is really fun sometimes. Joy freedom.

so that is why kelly clarkson is cool.

i love dancing and not being self conscious at all! i love i get to send a care package to beth and sarah. i love that Gay mann surprised me this weekend by finishing my poster for me and vacuming my was super thoughtful and kind. i love that today its 78 degrees......i think that is why i really love florida. i love that laughter brings satisfaction

Thursday, March 26, 2009

i really am not interested in politics, but it seems that everything is political. i try to listen to NPR in the mornings and sometimes in the afternoon. but sometimes i have to change it b/c it makes me sad and worried. but this morning as i was listening i almost broke down in tears. i have been listening and following what is going on in mexico with the drug related violence and it breaks my heart. they said that 6,000 people died this year in drug related deaths. it has shut down tourism, shut down cities, and caused an already trouble nation even more trouble.
and this morning i heard that mrs. clinton was visiting. and mrs. clinton exposed america. she actually admitted that we are the ones feeding the drug problem. we are the ones selling illegal firearms to mexico....she took responsibility for us. it was awesome. she talked about how in this global world we all rise and fall together.
i think it was the first time i heard america admit its part in something. so it gave me hope. maybe i am just naive and this only has political motivation, but maybe not.....maybe we really want to make decisions in our country not made in isolation. maybe we want to make mexico a better place to live, maybe we want to empower mexico so she can stand on her own two feet and people can be free not to live in fear. maybe.

it's funny. after living in community for the past five years i kinda see things different. I see how dangerous it is operating out of isolation, with the "I" being the most important factor in the decision. I think all of us move towards this tendency. I know america does. I know i do. I remember how hard it was to put the focus off of me and make a group decision (ask my fellow fleshies how not good i was at that!!) i had to learn how to slow down and consider others. i had to learn how to let people confront my selfishness in my heart. but i find here, its so so so so easy to hide. and even though living in community was one of the hardest things i have ever done i believe that its what God calls us too, b/c when we are community there is accountability. i believe that yes, we hurt each other in community through the intimacy of relationship but i also feel like community protects us, protects the world around us, protects the people with less power, protects us from ourselves. i miss it.
so my prayer for america, for the church is the same prayer i pray for myself....that i would move from isolation to community. to not make me the center, but others. Lord, help me.

i love beth and sarah. i love my $1 dollar sunglasses. i love the way NPR tells stories. I love the amazing spring florida is having. i love that when i do something right at work. i love being able to give and love in the same way that i have been loved. i love rob bell.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

a prayer

Holy Jesus, your forgiving love saves

and disturbs me.

Without it, I am lost,

Yet, if I receive it, I must practice it.

By your mercy, make me merciful;

By your forgiveness, help me to forgive

as I have been forgiven.


(stole this from david chronic's update)

rip my face off.

i love when i have work at work. i love getting up early to exercise and then going back to bed. i love wearing bright happy colors. i love that i got to talk to beth and sarah on sunday night!!! i love that last night i made the most amazing stuffed was "getting a man" food. i love that i like the rhythm work brings me.

Friday, March 20, 2009

rip my face off

Here is a link to find out how you compare to the rest of the world. If i worked at this temp Secretary job i would still be in the top 10.5% of the world!!!!!!!!!!! isn't that crazy????? crazy????? so go there, have your face ripped off.

i love the salad i am peppers, yellow peppers, blue cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, grapes, almonds and raspberry vinaigrette dressing...yum. i love that i am going to omaha. i love that my friend steve falls asleep in the car in the driveway of his house. i love that i get to see my brother on the way to omaha!!!! i love the feeling of learning something new, even if it is just learning how to print an envelope.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


so its weird. just weird. i mean this country. its just soooooo different from india. i still try to put worlds together but i just can't. i mean when i turn on NPR or any of the new i listen to its all about those guys who got like 1 million dollar bonuses with government bailout money!!!!! 1 million dollars. isn't that insane??? i mean....a 1 million dollar bonus is more then i will ever make...ever!!! it would support sari bari and all the staff and ladies for year and years and years and year. and then you have my neighbors who lived outside my flat on the street in kolkata. or what about the 6 phone calls i have gotten from guys looking for work b/c they have been laid off. I just feel so bad for them. and then there are my new clothes...that even though 85% of which were bought at garage sales, all of which i love and maybe even covet make me feel a little guilty. and then there is the fact that i thought i had enough money and then all of the sudden i realized if i wasn't living with gay i wouldn't be able to afford rent. and the money that i do have in my account used to be lots and lots in India but here...not so much. and what about the absolute excess i see here and how i look in my heart and i really really love my "stuff". i love the excess. and i love being comfortable. and i am somewhat disgusted with myself and how easily i feel like i give in to all this stuff i see around me.
and sometimes i feel fearful. i listen to the news and hear how america is going to get worse and i get scared and panic and wonder how i am going to make this country will make it....and how far away we are from being like india. i really hope far away.
and i think that to help my fears i need to give. i feel self protected and fearful. that isn't abundant life is it?? that isn't trusting is it? what do i do with the 10,000 girls in sonagachi now that i can't touch them, or talk with them, or be with them? how do i keep them close and remember them and let them mold me and how do i fight for them now when all i want to do is wear pretty clothes and stay away from poverty and all that it brings. i want to stay in my nice bubble for awhile and eat nice food and not get hurt any more.
but that isn't abundant life either. is it?
i am pretty numb right now. self protected.
maybe its okay for this season. maybe its going to be okay. maybe i will be okay and i can some how live in tension between the rich and poor. i don't know if i ever found that balance in India...maybe that is good and how its supposed to be. maybe its the minute i stop struggling that Satan wins, poverty wins, the sex trade wins, evil wins..........i don't know.
just know i miss my friends. and love my friends here. two worlds pulling me.

i love that i have gay who helped me make a budget. i love that kyle and michelle put me on speaker phone. i love that i cried while writing this and it feels good. i love that i most likely will get to go to omaha and be recommissioned back here. i love that God is getting bigger to me. i love that i get to play on-line boggle lots. i love that i get to talk to jessa whenever i want.

Friday, March 13, 2009

adventure vs. staying put

so i have this battle that always rages in my stay or leave. i am at this point in my life where i don't have any car payment, no mortgage, no kids....and i see the world before me....and i want to go and explore and see everything and be in extreme beauty and meet people from all different cultures and eat all different kinds of food and just see this world....even the states....and i get restless so easily. and this is part of what makes me, well me. but this restlessness is also what keeps me out of relationships and constantly moving. so as i look into my future (and look on the Internet) i just see all this opportunity to go!!!! but is that is what best for me that is what is important to me. because every time i choose something i have to give something else. because when i am moving all the time i don't have my own space and my roots don't go deep. its easy to stay on the surface of things when i am always moving.
so this is my question do i stay or do i go???? do i go and work in colorado for 3 months in the mountains? do i look at jobs in france for the next couple months? do i move to jacksonville and settle down and get job and work 9 to 5 (the 9 to 5 makes me want to vomit!!!!) what do i do? how do i live my life in the midst of so much freedom when i know the poor exist? does that mean i should restrict my freedom? or does that mean i can be free for a little bit and have some adventure and then slow down? hmmmm.................

well here are some pics of on of the most cutest baby in the world (and a very cute dad!!! or a cute grandpa!!!)

cutest dad award!!! (mine!)

i love that i think i look more beautiful now then when i was younger. i love sommer and her sense of humor. i love that i promised when i moved home i would try to take advantage of what this country concerts in the park, lectures, parks, libraries.....stuff like this. i when i don't talk to my mom i have this mom ache in my heart and i have to talk with her. i love that i have a kolkata ache in my heart. i love that last night i talked to a man from india that spoke bengali and i almost started crying!!!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

dunder mifflin, this pam.....

so i am a secretary for the next couple weeks...well next six weeks. its weird to sit in an office and dress kinda nice and be nice, but hey....its okay. its a job and i get to make some money and fill a need. i am working at my friend tom's roofing company. their secretary is out on maternity leave. she went into labor two weeks earlier so i started sooner then i thought but that is way okay for me. in fact, i said to God yesterday morning, "i am ready to work God. I really think that i am ready. It feels time" and then my phone range two hours later. i wish finding a husband was that easy!!!!

so here i am in an a/c office. weird. but my friend tom and the guys that work here are great really manly type of guys. for example, there is a 13 ft. stuffed gator that tom killed himself on a gator hunt. its pretty freaky but manly all the same. my counselor told me to hang around some good men. so, i really think he sent me here. all the men here are just good, salt of the earth type people. so that is good for me.

started watching this series called corpus christo. its a series where they get all these historians together and they study about Jesus. i was actually really afraid to watch it...isn't that a little silly. but i was nervous that it would give evidence that would make me think too much and challenge what i believe to much.....but then i thought that if one video can destroy my faith....what kind of faith is that. and i figure that God is bigger then a video and i am really really interested in what they were talking i started to watch it. will let you know what i learn.

so this is kind of a dumb blog post.


i love that this weekend had an amazing time with all saints youth girls and then i write about my job. i love the ocean. i love 80 degree weather. i love that i have plans to go to the beach two times in the next week. i love that this job literally fell in my lab. i love that tom has been one of my biggest fans since the time i knew him. i love that its going to be okay.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

stuff i am thinking about

1. in romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 it talks about how we are to get our meaning from the place in Christ's body. So i started thinking about how we find our identity from a community view point and not an individualistic view point. its ripping my face off. one thought for example....."we were created to belong, to fit, our difference are what make us fit into the body...not what make us left out.
2. i just got the most amazing red Asian cabinet at the rummage sale and its beautiful. i have been thinking about what i want my flat to look like....that might be months and months away but i am excited to have my own place and decorate it. i want it to be beautiful, quiet, clean, have lots of trees around it, and lots of color.
3. am thinking about Switzerland and how much i loved it there. i got to go skiing and snowshoeing one was honestly some of the most beautiful scenery that i have ever seen. and i got to go see the symphony, eat lots of bread and cheese, homemade honey, and lots of wine.
4. i am wondering what life will look like here. i still feel like i am waiting to go back to kolkata.
5. i think about the people in kolkata, beth, sarah, kiran, upendra, gita, radha, lilly alistar, the hiltons, jo, the sari bari ladies and all the girls in sonagachi that i left behind. i thnk about my sisters beth and sarah and send them all my love and protection and dream of ways to take care of them and think about the next time i get to go back to india.
6. i am trying to believe that God is good in midst of all that i saw in India. people keep telling me that in the end it will all be alright.....but that doesn't make any difference for the 14 year old in hell right i am working through my questions. i keep hearing God tell me to "wait". am reading Habakuk. still fighting that idea of waiting. i hate the thought that while we are waiting on God to make everything right....there are people who have to suffer and will never have their earthly suffering relieved. i dont' know quite yet how to put my idea of loving good God with poverty, rape, etc. etc.
7. i am thinking about the clothes i got at the rummage sale and loving the freedom of dressing in what i want.
8. i am thinking about food too much but i don't want to gain any more weight so i am constantly battling the will to eat or not eat in my head.
9. i think of sommer and how much fun we had......."boots with the fur" Y'all from virginia?
10. i am thinking how ange can make me laugh even over just chatting. she is such an amazing person. i am so thankful for all my friends. jessa cries with me and speaks truth to me. Gay is just filled with a lot of the same questions i am . laura always listens and challenges me and has amazing insight. she is also like an adminstrative genius which i love and am slightly jealous of.

i love my authentic wrangler red cowboy shirt i found todayat the rummage. i love that i will have this cute outfit on but the only closed toe shoes i own are my shiny asic tennis kinda ruins a lot of the cuteness. i love that i wept for Kovita yesterday. i love that on Friday night i get to go to an 80's party and hang out with 60 teenage girls and talk to them about India, and worth and value and community and hope. i love that Gay and Bill have a schedule to help each other during the week.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Y'all from Virgina????

I have been having an interesting couple weeks. I recently got to spend 4 days in Bristol, TN with my friend sommer who works at King College. I got to speak some at the college.
Sommer is so so so funny. She is one of my friends who is kinda quiet and reserved but once you get her out of her shell she is hilarious. like so many times we laughed really hard.
I told her that when i visited we would try to blend with the culture one night. we could buy racing t-shirts (Bristol is a world famous racing city with this huge stadium) and caps and go out for a beer.
well we didn't have racing t-shirts or hats but we did go out for a beer. (i had a blue moon with a orange much better then kingfisher!!!) we were sittin' at the bar when the three guys in the bar look over at us and say (you have to say this in the thickest TN accent)
"Ya'll from Virgina?"
me and sommer look eat each other and wonder why in the world this man would as us this. do we look un-bristol Tn like? do our florida accents sound like virgina??? what that the local pick-up line?
then the next question:
"Y'all electric bill go up?"
so that led to a whole conversation about where we were from. it was classic.
but while we were at the bar, there was all this stuff on ESPN on bristol, TN and the race track there. and i listened......
so my last day in Bristol sommer and i stopped by the racetrack and to our sheer delight....the gate is open. so we get to inside. we are so excited to be a part of the bristol, TN experience. and was really really cool. the track looks so stinkin' small and i can't imagine going 200mph around it. i was impressed. we start taking pictures. there are these other two guys there and they offer to take our picture together with the motorway in the background....and we were like "Heck yeah you can take our picture at the speedway!!
we then start talking to these guys and both sommer and i throw out all we know about the bristol speedway and everything we know about racing....and folks.....WE TALKED NASCAR FOR 5 MINUTES!!! we were so excited by out incarnational experience that we ended up running to the car with gleee!!!!!!!!! we had accomplished our mission...we blended!!!

i love that TN really felt like a different world from Florida. i love that i am now in orlando in the same bed for possibly the next month. i love that i got the most amazing red shelves at the rummage sale. i love that i am getting to know Gay and bill better since i am living with them!!! i love that i got up at 5:30 to exercise with Gay and then went back to of my most favorite joys in life!!!