movement

so i have been holding india at a distance. when i left there....i left. and i haven't let india in and all that it has meant to me in yet...until this week. i am in jacksonville staying with my amazing friends jen and craig. they live in this cute house surrounded by trees, near lots of parks, and jen got me a membership to her gym for two weeks. its good and safe.
i have been seeing counselors here that helps people transition back to the states. it has been good and deep....so deep. i am finding roots in my heart that go all the way back to my childhood. i have a clearer picture of my heart and my brokenness and why i am the way i am and what needs to be healed and places in my life that needs repentance. so it has been good.
i feel like my heart has been a wall for the past couple months and the wall is being taken down and am entering in again to all the hard stuff.
i am finding lots of things behind my walls.....that i really do have such a sweet intimacy with Jesus, that isn't so much dependant on what i have seen or heard but on the state of my heart. I am flushing out what it means to live in my femininity. i am seeing how the prophecy that was prayed over me 3 years ago is still so powerful and through this counseling experience i have practical things to match the spiritual words that were spoken over me.
and i miss beth and sarah and am learning how much i learned from them and how well they loved me and how they truly saw me....all of me....and loved me. i am so thankful for them and their friendship. i am so thankful that they fought to see my heart when i would hide it behind really thick walls.
i still don't know what i am going to do with my life. still don't have a job. still don't know where i want to live......but that is okay right now. its a season to rest...and even though that is scary it is good and right and needed.

i love panera's. i love grapes. i really really love diet cherry soda. i love people who engage my heart. i love that shannon had her baby. i love that i really want to hold a baby. i love that i get to see one of my longest time friends aileen tomorrow and celebrate valentines day with her and her kids!!! i love that beth, sarah and i started a tradition on valentines day where we just tell each other why we love each other.