my right to an eggroll

sometimes poverty smacks me in the face and i realize the depths i go to protect myself and harden my heart. today i was out in the city doing various errands, getting my hair cut, sending some stuff in the mail etc. enjoying having some freedom to get what i need done today. and i get hungry. and i don't want to spend a lot of money because i want to try to save some and i had a great dinner the night before. so i wanted an eggroll.
i know of a great place on park street with the best eggrolls around. as i turned on park st. two people beg from me. i don't give anything. . i am hungry. i want an eggroll. i go to the eggroll stand. immediatly one young girl starts pulling on my arm asking for an eggroll. i am annoyed. but i decide that i am going to buy her an eggroll. then two more girls come. i still hold my ground and just buy one eggroll and tell them to share it.
so i am waiting for my eggroll to get done. and this little little so cute kid covered in dirt comes over the stand. he is sooo cute and has this life giving smile.
he laughs at me. i get my egg roll and feed him about 1/6th of it then walk away while i eat the rest and the little girls split the eggroll.
and i then get convicted. i realize how somehow i think its my right to have an eggroll without being disturbed. and realize how annoyed i was that my bubble was broken and my safe little world was invaded by need.....by poverty, by hunger and desperation. i kept repeating "i have no rights" in my head the rest of the day. "love your neighbor as yourself".
i felt poverty front me today. make me ask questions again and rip my face off to reveal my greed and power. its the interruptions here in kolkata that i try to avoid and i think that i will wish for when i move back to america. poverty asked me today.....what will you do for me while you sit and eat your egg roll and go to beauty parlors and a/c book stores? poverty asked me, what is important to you?
pverty in the form of the child with the hair that is red from malnutrition but yet his smile melts people asked me today " will you enter in? will you stop pretending that i don't exist? will you stop walking so fast to get to your "important places" and be with me? will you choose to be generous with all the power and provision that you have been given?"
so now i am just sitting in these questions. sometimes i do pull away here. afraid that if i did let my heart break for each person i saw i wouldn't never be able to stop crying. or maybe if i let my heart feel and stop trying to be so protected i would discover more love and compassion and joy and hope then i think possible.
hope.
i love how sarah comes alive when she gets to design a system to make things better. i love that Gay and Bill have been praying for me everyday since i told them about me leaving for america. isn't that amazing??? i love that i ran into a the sweetest irish girl in the store today who was here for three weeks and had her life changed. i love that i love every blanket and bag at SB right now and want to take them all home with me. i love how what God did at SB inspires people. i love even in the midst of all the questions i find grace.