a full course meal

i recently had a revelation about kolkata. My life here is soooo rich and full. i mean so full of joy and suffering and horns and people and pockets of beauty and color and life. Its like having a full course meal for every meal all the time. Its like sitting down and being served soup, steak, salad, baked potato, rolls, bloomin onion, wine, a huge slice of cheesecake and a nice coffee for every meal...alll the time...which is great and awesome except sometimes you just want to eat a salad. and living in the city sometimes its not possible just to eat a salad.

God has just been showing me so much about space lately. about how i long for space and grace from other people but i am so quick not to give it. He is teaching me how to give grace to myself and therefore others. and to give up control!!!! He is teaching me that He likes me. that we are all messed up but we have this common need for grace. I have been re-reading my journals again and have found common themes in all of them.....self-condemnation, a longing for intimacy with God, and lack of patience. i have been crying out to God for years and years about these issues. I don't know if i have changed or not but i think the biggest difference i feel happening is that I am learning not to define myself not by my sin but by my strengths, by who God made me to be. I am his daughter....a sinner yes....but a daughter who is taken care of loved. this is all so much deeper than i am going to write on this blog...but is good. i also feel hopeful. our community has been through so much together but i have learned soooo much. i have hope for other people because of the hope that has been given to me.

today was the official start to monsoon. it rained from 5:00am till 11:30...thunder and lighting and poured!!! in addition to this, there is a strike today and everything is closed. today the streets are filled with young boys playing football or cricket and its a little cool out. it was the easiest hot season i have ever had in kolkata!!!
have watched two movies today Big Fish and Good will Hunting. i must say that GWH is one of my top three movies of all time.....it is just amazing.

i love matt dameon. i love that we all have intimacy issues. i love that today india is quiet and joyful. i love that sarah comes back in 5 days. i love thunderstorms. i love that beth and i ate chocolate chip cookie dough and watched GWH today....good girly times. i love that my heart feels excited for something...i just don't know what it is.