where are the men?

there are lots of men here. lots of men in the states. lots of men on this earth. However, where are the men when it comes to the issue of human trafficking? I go to conferences and they are filled with advocates for women. advocates for the girls who are victims of sex trafficking. and yes, there are some men advocating for the victims of human trafficking.
but i must make this point. if there was no demand for the sex trade, there will be no need to supply women. Men, you buy sex. Your gender is the reason that human trafficking exist. I am trying my hardest not to come across as an angry feminist but its a simple fact. with out the demand for sex, there would be no supply.
so my question is, Men where are you? why are you not advocating and fighting for the souls of them men who are buying the 13 year olds girls? who are buying the 25 year old? who are buying the 40 year old women? who are oppresing my friends around the world? why are you not coming along side these men and standing with them, fighting for them. identifying with them,.......doing your part to end the sex trade. to end prostitution? to bring the men to freedom?

i am tired of people telling me that "it the oldest profession". no its not...its the oldest form of oppresion. and for some reason men don't stand up for this issue. They justify it with lust.

lust is a complicated thing. i am a women and can say that i DO NOT understand the power and force and controlling power of lust. i DO NOT understand its ability to control and manipulate men. or its power to make men feel like hypocrites if they do stand up and fight. or the power it has to make men hide in shame and live double lives. and i am not writing to say i understand men or to shame men or to give answers. only questions.
and My question is, Men what are you doing to help other men? what are you doing to help end the sex trade? Men, are you entering into each others suffering, shame, darkness, oppression? are you walking besides your brothers and offering grace and a safe place?
men......you are the problem. men......you are the solution.
men in the gatch sell their wives. men in the gatch tell me to my face that they have come to the red-light district for "fu^*%*^ing", i had a christian man in the red-light area say that he couldn't control himself and had to come sleep with a girl daily. i had a tourist sleep with my friend s. who was only 15 at the time. i see men in america whose sole purpose is to sleep with as many women as possible or do anything do get a girl in bed. i see televison sitcoms a that make watching pornography a joke.
so men.........where are you? where is your fight?
i pray that shame and fear would not keep you silent. we need you to fight. we need you to love your brothers. we need you to face your darkness and let people in. we need you to come into the light together. we need you to stop making pornography and one night stand acceptable. we need to stop the idea of 'boys will be boys".
Men we need you. Because us women cannot fight on your own. without you we will never stop this problem. without you we will still need 9, 720 more jobs to end the sex trade in songachi alone.
please men. fight. do not give up. there is a Jesus who loves you. there is a chance to change things on this earth. there is redemption. YOU ARE THE SOLUTION. YOU ARE THE ANSWER.

i love the fried eggplant just outside of sarah's house. i love that i am excited to go home tomorrow to jacksonville. i love everything i have been able to see and experience in kolkata since i have been here. i love hearing a women's testimony at saribari who said her life now has respect. i love sari bari, beth sarah and my friends here.

the celebration

there is so much to write. so much that i feel overwhelmed when i think of writing. so much that i feel so inadaquate to get it all down on paper (or computer) so i can remember it and come back to it. so here goes.....
When i would think about india over the past two years it would be the worst of the worst....i close my eyes in worship and would see the young girls lining the streets or holding the women at the train station while she was dying or my friends being raped in the bed besides where i was sitting.
and yes...those memories are real and horrible and the reality here but coming back to Kolkata has reminded me of how much good there is also.
yesterday we had to walk through the red-light area to get to the new sari bari unit. (need to interject here....we dreamed for a safe place in the gatch for years and years. we even tried to start sari bari in the gatch while i was here but it all fell through. God timing right???). We only walked through a small portion of the area but it was enough. we walked by our friend Beauty who i knew for my entire five years here. we walked by the young girls who i thought were 15 at the time but as i greeted them again this time they still looked 15. it was the same young girls that i knew from last time! the same young girls who are under slave labor! the same girls who are forced to work the line from 8:00am to who knows how long at night. the same young girls who are forced to wear mini skirts and bad makeup and are taught to grab men when they walk by them. the ones whose childhoods have been stolen by men's lust. these are the girls whose faces haunt me. who i bring to God and cry out "why?" and "How?" and what are you doing for them?
so after seeing them i am walking down the red-light district with tears streaming down my cheeks. those questions start to rise in my mind again...the anger towards God. the questions and will never be answered.
as we come around the corner from seeing the girls kyle says, "look up kristin. that is sari bari". and i go up some stairs.....not slime covered, dark stairs that lead me to a friends room where she is oppressed and her dignity is stolen but stairs that lead to hope and new life and new beginings and grace and love and safety.
i walk into sari bari in the gatch and can again breath. the place is open and beautiful and the ladies are laughing and i see girls who i knew in the red light district sewing!!! i see ladies who i knew from kalighat now in leadership and giving freedom to the ladies in the gatch. i see and feel hope and i feel all the anger and hate and questions melt off of me and all i can do it sit there and cry and be amazed.
i walked from hell to a place of hope in the matter of minutes. Hope exist in the gatch. HOPE EXIST. it was an impossible dream. impossible. but through dreams, work, prayer, community, grace, power, mercy.....it exist. and it was so damm awesome. it is my answer to most of my question. Thank you God.

there are other stories but this will be a start.
i love that when i cried at sari bari a. gave me a huge hug. i love that God is allowing me to celebrate. i love how normal everything feels here. i love that i got to have tok doi and bananas for breakfast this morning. i love that i got to see my friend jon again. i love beth and sarah so muchly.

unexpected

I don't really know how i can piece together all my theology about timing and God but it feels like this trip is so timely. perfect really. have been surprised so far how much i feel that. yesterday i spend the day with charlotte and julian and their two seriously adorable daughters. i mean a 2 1/2 year old who has the sweetest british accent is enough to melt the heart of any american right? we went to the tate modern (didn't really get a lot of the art but there was so come cool stuff), had coffee by the river, took the tube around town, and ended up at an amazing cathedral and got to sit in on a reharshal of mozarts requasition. it was amazing.
and today i got to take part in charlotte and julian's "church". 4 times a year this group of friends gets together to pray for their friends overseas as well as for each other.....and eat brilliant food together. it was such a refreshing intimate time. we worshipped together with no guitar just our voices. most of their friend are artist or musically talented so it was beautiful. then we two specific times of prayer. it was like breathing fresh air.
and i met a girl who had lived overseas for 5 years, came back relatively burned out and was just again getting back into working with women in prostitution (um sound familiar). so it was so encouraging to meet her and hear her story and her journey. so similar to mine. makes it less lonely.
two more days until kolkata. can't wait.

i love that i bought a shirt and a belt today from a consignment shop in london!!!! i love that today in the grocery store i heard three different languages and saw people from at least 7 different nationalities. i love that london reminds me of how big and small the world is. i love that i met a couple who met kyle and michelle in india and another girl who worked with nepali trafficked girls in hong kong and actually met brook and kara. such a small world. i love that i miss my friends in jacksonville.

India

So, i haven't blogged in a long long time. nothing much felt worthy of a blog. but but i am going back to india in four days. four days. so i decided (with a little prompting from a friend) to start blogging again. but just a fair warning....i am a terrible proof reader and my blog will be filled with spelling and gramatical errors and lots of exclamation points. but i can promise that i will always try to be thoughtful and real. so here goes.......
as some of you know i tried to go back to india back in april and being who God created me to be realized at the airport that my passport would expire 4 days into my trip.
but it has seemed to work out for the better. in that time beth and sarah both have come to visit, God has worked a lot out in my heart, my life in jacksonville is getting exciting and i feel like i am coming alive again, and probably one of the best reason is.....its not gonna be hot!!!!
when i think of going back this time my heart starts beating faster. i get so excited. very different what i felt 6 months ago. I feel like my two weeks in India is going to be a celebration of what God has done. My friends have made me out a schedule for my trip. and when i was reading over it i couldn't stop crying. My schedule is filled with seeing the fruit of my labors. of seeing people and places i only dreamed about....that were just my crazy visions. and now i am going to see my friends in places of redemption. I can't wait.
so will try to be better about updates. i feel like its important this time to take people with me...so we can celebrate what God did and what in HIs mercy He let me be apart of. and for that i am eternally thankful.

and to continue my tradition of blog i will close with the things i love.
i love my mom's pumpkin pie. I love doing something i think is impossible. i love drinking wine of the veranda with beth and sarah. i love that my niece loves me. i love i get to baby sit amelia dec. 4th!!! i love the adventure that is my life.

why i am so muchly loving my country.

My life is pretty surreal. I am working as a dietitian for the WIC (women infant and children) program in jacksonville, fl. I am a supervisor (weird!!) and get to see high risk clients and give nutrition counseling (teen pregnancy, low iron, low birth weight babies, permies, underweight kids). i go to a great church....river city church. and live next door to the coolest people ever...jen and craig curell. here is my list of why my life is good right now.

1. i have gotten to see my brother three times since december. This is the most in the past 6 years i have seen him.
2. when i go walk in my neighborhood i can hear bugs and birds.
3. i have cherry diet coke in my fridge.
4. everyday i am clean and cute.
5. i can wear whatever i want.
6. i can wear heels.
7. i can see my parents at least once a month.
8. i can talk with men here.
9. i went to a bar on friday night to watch football!!!
10. i will be here for gator football season!!!
11. cheese
12. beef
13. a church where i am fed spiritually
14. no garbage on the road.
15. clean, clean clean clean clean.
16. for the first time in my life having my own flat and it being cute.
17. living next door to the curells.
18. court and ange coming to visit.
19. getting to be around kids and babies all the time.
20. salads.
21. i am breathing.
22. i can let my guard down.
23. working for a country where no one has to go hungry.
24. everyday counseling women and families that if i was living in india i would be passing by on the streets holding their malnourished babies.
25. a job that is culturally diverse.
26. my new mix CD from ange.
27. craft nights
28. cheese dip
29. dancing to thriller with 20 healthy beautiful alive teenage girls who are safe in their home and haven't been trafficked and being able to tell them about kovita and have them weep with me for her.
30. my couch.
32. my dining room table.
33. my 1/2 and 1/2 coffee each morning in my to-go much with french vanilla cream.
34. NPR
35. my trip to india in feb. to visit
36. selling sari bari products
37. birkenstocks
38. my big fridge
39. nice left over beer from a party
40. real simple magazine.

these are just a few. this doesn't mean that my heart doesn't ache to be in kolkata with the girls and beth and sarah. but there are a lot of good reasons for living here.
so peace out party people.

an old email.

So my friend steve and shannon kept this email that i sent out around spring 2004...so about 5 years ago. its about this crazy experience i had in nepal. it reminded me of who i am and all i have to do is be available and Jesus moves. I ministered to myself so i figured it must be God.



Hey everyone,
I am sorry for all the e-mails I haven't written back to yet. I haven't had consistent e-mail access in Thailand and the area of nepal I was in it is so slow but I have to write you and tell you some amazing stories.The retreat with the staff was so good. The island was beautiful and the time with the staff was so good. I had to say good-bye to Josh and that way, way sucked. I think that I am going to be a little lost for a while with out him in Calcutta. I will write more about all the changes later...but I wanted to tell about how God sent me into the darkness of the thai sex trade.The sex industry in Thailand is huge....not for Thai people but for forgein men coming to sleep with Thai girls, or boys, or both. At the beach we stayed with probably 1 out of the six couples were older men with young Thai girls. It was rather sickening to see. I had read some about the sex trade in different books but really could believe that I was seeing this right in front of my eyes on my vacation. Their stories are so similar to the girls in India....rape, beatings, desperation, poverty, shame. bangkok is renown for its sex trade and people actually just come to thailand to purchase sex.
So....here is how Jesus let me minister to the people not in the sex trade this time.....but the men themselves.
Let me start this story off. I left the beach two days earlier than the staff b/c I had to fly to nepal to meet the servant team. So i left the beach last saturday the 25th. I took the boat back to the mainland and ended up meeting these two guys from Germany who were going back to bangkok. Their were both 25 and studying in China and were on holiday. Their names were Thomas and Andrew.WE ended up getting a taxi b/c the bus wasn't coming for another two hours and we wanted to have some time in bangkok. So the whole three hour cab ride we chatted....about so much stuff. Communism, germany, american, china, living overseas......But within the first 30 minutes Thomas says to me "Yeah China girls are so easy. all you have to do is say Hi and they are yours". Then he asked me if I knew any dirty jokes...mind you Andrew is in the back of the cab dying of embarassment. We got our rooms at our hostel. I had to catch a cab at 4:30 in the morning and realized that I did't have alarm clock. They guys said I should just not go to bed and stay out all night....I never do things like that anymore but I was kinda like...what the heck. These guys had made me laugh, I have enough money in my pocket for a cab ride home, and I was up for some adventure...so I went.
We first went to this outdoor market and sat and listened to a thai band sing Britney spears, the beatles...and a lot of other random music. Thomas started to tell me about this bar that he knows in the red-light district in bagkok called goldfinger. I told him if it was anything like I had heard about them I wasn't going in. He reassured me that it wasn't...they have bars in this area that aren't "sex bars". I told them I was a tad scared...images of the red-light district in Calcutta came racing to my mind and they reassured me that I would be okay.So we hopped in a touk-touk (like a golf cart type thing) and headed toward the red-light district that I had heard so much about.
On the way there a strange holy spirit thing happened in my heart and I started to pray for them and somehow I knew it was going to be okay and that i was actually supposed to be here in this moment.So we end up in the red-light district right smack dab in the middle of the action. It is so different than India.....there are tourist every where!!!! The street in the middle is lined with shops that sell tourist things (normal things...like tshirts and purses) and the sides of the streets are lined with bars...some "sex bars" and some normal (i think) bars. I am propositioned (along with the guys) to come inside this one bar and they have a menu of "sex acts". that you can purchase. It makes me so sad.
WE find this bar called "goldfinger". Thomas had heard about it from a friend and it was supposed to be the best bar around. So we go in.I walk in and the first thing I see is girls on top of the bar dancing in bikini's and that is it. So we sit in the corner some and they get a beer and then I end up meeting the owner. He is american!!!
And i begin to notice the whole bar is filled with old american men!!! I ask how and why he started this. I think now he is around 48 years old and he said that 25 years ago he moved to Korea after his divorce and had worked for ITT for 5 years there and wanted a change so he came to this area and bought this bar. He said that he is married to a thai woman. He met her when she was fifteen!!!!! and the day she turned 18 she moved in with him!!! and now they have been married for 6 years....so you do the math. He says this bar is strictly for drinking only and the girls.....well they just happen to be there.
So we move on. We finish walking down the street and it is filled with dancing bar girls and some of the names of the bar are really explicit....really different from caluctta.So....we get to the end of the street and ended up playing some pool and then going to mcdonald's!!! It was really, really fun.
So we go back to the tourist area. WE end up at this bar that they had gone to the other night. SO i once again begin to look around began to notice...not old white men with thai girls....but young men....guys my age....I mean in this bar alone I saw about 20 different men with thai girls.So I start to talk to thomas and andrew about this when we get interrupted by this waiter who says these men who know thomas and andrew want us to join them for a drink.So we move tables and I am with six men now...four older french men and thomas and andrew. I start to ask thomas more questions and find out that two nights ago he hired a thai girl for the entire night for 800 bhat (about $20). I just kinda sat there for a little bit.THen the french guy was looking at some pictures and I made the mistake of asking who they were......he then showed me a picture of thomas with a thai girl ( no big deal), then andrew sitting at a bar with a thai girl, and then a picture of the thai girl that I won't even tell about here because the image still haunts my mind.Then the gross french men starts talking about tahi girls and how he wants to marry me and they are just so gross and creepy.
So thomas and andrew and I start talking again and I end up telling them what I do exactly in Calucutta....I work to get girl out of the sex trade.thomas is silent.The french men get up to leave and the french man whispers in my ear something that makes my body twinge with disgust and hate and I wondered what vile acts he has done to women.as they get up to leave I turn to andrew and say "I am sitting at a table of men that I hate. I am sitting here with the very people who are doing what God wants undone". He looks at me and says "I know. I think it is wrong to"
the french men left and I start to ask my two friends questions. WHy? lonliness? pleasure? they tell me it is all of the above.
SO then I get to tell them (actually andrew already has a basic knowledge of how bad the sex trade is) about how these girls get to the streets here. I get to tell them about how its not a choice. I get to tell them my dreams for the girls. It was awesome.And then somehow Thomas ended up asking me how many people I had slept with....when I said no one they about fell out of their chairs. They could believe it. So that led in to this whole other conversation about marriage, and commitment, and God. I wish you could of seen the way, specifically Thomas, looked at me differently. I think that is possible the most beautiful I have ever felt in my life. I think something connected with Thomas that night....for the first time he saw past his own lust and started to see the girls and where they come from.
I asked thomas how many people he had slept with. HE said before China....six...but since he went to china he had slept with at least twice that many. His goal was to sleep with a woman in every county he went to. When I look at this man I could so clearly see the stronghold of lust over his life. He was so obsesses with sex and what he called "fun times" that it was almost like an additicion and sex and pleasure was all he could see. I actually felt sorry for him.So we then started to talk about marriage and it was just so good.The french men invited them to go to this hotel and get some girls but instead they wanted to hang out more and we went to this other bar and ended up meeting other really cool travelers and just talked about life and culture until 4:15 in the morning and it was time to go.As they walked me upstairs THomas gave me a hug...I wish I had words to describe the hug....it was honoring to me in so many ways but also so desperate in some. I knew that his heart was hurting and craved something pure and craved to be loved. This night was so huge for me....so huge...
I was in the midst of the darkness but yet I have never felt like such a light. I realized that I am not just waiting to have sex till i am married for my husband but for guys like Thomas and anderew and the girls in Sonagatchie and the girls in Thailand. IT made me see how obedience to Jesus makes me beautiful. I have no doubt in my heart those men saw Jesus in me. Jesus is the only reason that I am waiting and the only reason I do the work I do....and I felt like I was oozing Jesus. And the most amazing thing is that this whole night just came from being available.....from trusting the Spirit. It wasn't planned or manipulated.I just got an e-mail yesterday from andrew saying how it was really impactful to meet me and apologized again for thomas. and said that he couldn't believe he took me into those places and that he is rethinking what commitment is......Isn't that amazing???? JEsus rips my face off.
But the thing that stayed with me the whole night is that i knew that Jesus was in the red-light district. I knew that he was in that bar goldfinger and at that table amongst those men. He is there b/c he loves both the thai girls and those dirty french men and me and thomas and andrew. I didin't have to be afraid.
I was blown away that in thailand the problem are not the uneducated men of thailand or the poor or the perverts....it is the average white college educated man. It is us...the westerners capitalizing on the poverty of the young women. It is us....not them. This night in bangkok brought this issue home for me. In India it is easy to blame the indian man....but I see just a glimpse in the gatch of the power of lust. It made me so clearly see that sexual sin permeates us all....all cultures, races, countries...it is not just india's problem......it is ours.
So...on a closing note. Men ( and women). IF you are caught in lust. Tell someone. Confess to your friends and your church family. Get free. I see to many men whose lives are destroyed by it and too many young girls whose lives are forever destroyed by it. I know there is freedom. Jesus wants to give it.So if you could say a prayer for thomas and andrew. I will write another mass e-mail soon and catch you up on things in sonagachie.....sorry this was sooo long. if you read to the end thank you. love in Christ,

my balloon ride

I got to go hot air ballooning on Wednesday morning. My friend and boss, Tom Tanenbaum best friend, BOB owns a ballooning company. So he offered to take me one morning. So after meeting at 6:00am we headed out....and then up!!! it was really really cool. I felt like charlie from willy wonka and the chocolate factory when he got to ride in the glass elevator. Its such a crazy sensation to float above the world. We went over some swamps and saw deer, cows (aka beth's mom). wild pigs (hey sarah you didn't tell me your mom was visiting), and some pretty birds. It was so cool.

this is after landing...sorry...they are in reverse order. they had all this down to a science.
we got to see the sun come up. this was after we crossed over I-4. if you look you can see the other balloon that flew with us. there used to be lots and lots of flying together, but then people got nasty and competitive and went their own way. so bob is real old school and still would rather fly together.....he is cool.
here comes the sun!!!
me, bob, and a really nice british couple celebrating their 28th year of marriage standing inside the balloon...this was a cool part.
they first fill the balloon up with cold air using a huge fan. then heat of the air and shazam....the balloon rises. we ended up traveling about 13 miles in one hour. not the fastest mode of transportation but definitely one of the most relaxing!!!

After a kinda exciting and rocky landing, you get to have a champagne toast and everyone raises their glasses and says this toast together.

The winds have welcomed you with softness
the sun has blessed you with warm hands
you have flown so high and so well
that God has joined you in your laughter
and set you gently back
into the loving arms of mother earth.

isn't that pretty.

so i highly recommended going on a hot air balloon ride. specifically with bob. www.bobsballons.com its cool to float.

i love that i bought a car yesterday. i love that i really am spoiled at work....tom bought be going away flowers and today we all went out to lunch at a really really nice Chinese buffet. I had lunch with 4 men today and they all make me laugh. i love what different things men talk about at lunch then women. i love the feeling of excitement i have right now about moving. i love that i feel hopeful. i love walking out of a freezing cold restaurant into the perfect 85 degree weather and having the sun thaw me out.

my weekend away

I got to spend two nights with my brother in Dallas. Then the next four in Omaha, NE where i got to participate in a board meeting and end my time with WMF.
here are some highlights!

1. My brother is seriously rockin cool. We only had two very short days together but we packed it in and did all the stuff we love doing together. This included eating lots of good food, playing Frisbee in the park, and probably my most favorite thing to do with my brother....a trip to Dave and Buster's...a big arcade. We played both basketball game, ski ball, some shooting games and our favorite game that always makes us laugh....air hockey. I really love my bro.

2. The commissioning service (and my ending time). I got to be there to commission Shelia who is moving to Kolkata. Both of her parents where there both of which who prayed for her. both of her parents spoke of the day they committed Shelia to Jesus when she was a baby girl and they both once again rededicated their daughter to Jesus and put their trust in Him. (this was all through shaky voices and many tears). It reminds me of what a cost a parent also pays when their child chooses to serve overseas. They have to release and trust just as much as the child. It was really beautiful. I wish i would of given my parents a chance to participate.

3. Mandy...Shazam!!!

4. Going dancing with Liz and energetic steve.

5. getting to celebrate the joy and suffering that my time in Kolkata was. I got to give a small reflection on my time in Kolkata. I use the communion cup. Its the perfect example of joy and sorrow mixed together. My time in Kolkata was so rich, so amazing, so deep, so overflowing with the suffering and redemption of Jesus that i cant' help but to be in awe. It was a good time. WMF i still think has the most amazing peeps on earth. It has been an honor to serve along side them.

6. Silas and Kim's kids. i got to stay with kim and silas and they have four kids ranging in age from 3-8. they are seriously the coolest kids ever. Kim and silas lived in Nepal for 9 years and i can see what amazing things this has done to their kids. I mean when audia (their six year old) moved to america she broke down crying because her friend in nepal didn't have the same things as her.....that is amazing! and they are well behaved and just fun. my favorite quote
me asking Pria (who is the little girl, age 3) what do you think about this economic down turn we are having pria?
Pria: gets really sad: "I hate trash"
Pria: "and my name isn't Pria, is Alishia and i am a dog"
so that would be an example of the coolest kids ever.

i love that i will get to see Gay this weekend. i love that i missed my friends here. I love that WMF inspires people to live their lives differently. I love that now both daphne and jara are married or getting married.....two strong, beautiful, independent, confident, exception women who i totally look up to. i love that i got to play ultimate frisbee on Thursday and it hurt my back less than yoga!!! i love that i am going on a hot air ballooning ride tomorrow. i love that i will be missed at this job and will miss the people at this job.

waiting, hillbilly boxing, change

1. This weekend we had a party....for me! to celebrate India. it was super fun. we played hillbilly boxing, water balloon toss, the catch a water balloon in a bag game (a kristin original), horseshoes, and corn hole. it was really really fun. i laughed and was covered in flour and water and surrounded by really amazing people. We watched a video i found that laura had made me (we are talking VHS here folks!!) when i left wesley. it was filled with scary bunnies and me speaking at close to His heart. It reminded me of where i came from, how far God has brought me, and again...how many amazing people i get to be in relationship with!!

2. my time here is ending in Orlando. I went from being like "there is time! i don't have to see everyone i know in a week. I have time!" and now i am like...I don't have time!! i don't have time!! I am leaving in two weeks!! I don't have time". Change is coming fast folks. and its exciting and scary and life giving and makes me dream.

3. I travel to Omaha this weekend for the board meeting. It will be a time of closure. It makes me sad in some ways to officially end my time with WMF but it feels like it is coming at the perfect time...a week before i move to a new city to start a new life, and start with some new dreams. It feels like i can let it go now. It feels time to move.

4. It amazes me that when i take an hour and journal and write and stop running from God what He can do. I really only need an hour about once a week. and it had been two months. My conclusions from my time with God.....Be the 10th Leper. Live out of thankfulness. You have a choice what to do in the waiting. Maybe eternity and the fact that God will wipe away all my friends tears one day really is bigger then the current suffering of this world. Maybe God can make it okay in the end.

I love that i get to see the WMF folks this weekend. am ready for some acting natural poses!!! i love that i will get to go to andrew crawford's birthday. i love that i will get to go to olvia's christening. i love that i bought kelly green, polka dot flip flops this weekend. i love that i have watched the you tube video of susan boyle like 10 times and cry almost every time. i love that my life really feels right, right now.

my friend's kids

my friends have some really amazing kids. yesterday for example....i am at jessa's house. Jessa and i are having this super serious conversation about God (well, i am telling her all my deepest darkest struggles and she is listening and being amazing) and life and suffering. He little girl then proceeds to grab my hand and say, "play with me. let's run". so we ran. and all was right with the world.

then at dinner we were praying. Jessa taught katherine a new prayer. which kat proceeded to put her own twist on. here goes
jessa; God is...
katherine: ....great.
Jessa God is....
katherine: good.
Jessa: Let us...
katerine: eat our food!

i love my friends kids. i love that i got to run out side with naomi through rows of trees and on a huge pile of leaves. i love that i told bethany (who was having trouble sleeping) to count to 275 and she would fall asleep. (i didn't hear anything after 30....) I love that my niece chilled out in my lap for about 40 minutes on easter. i love that issac makes me laugh out loud. I love that prema plays with her little brothers. I love that eli is a little chunk who loves to torment his brother when he is in the corner but also loves to snuggle with his dad. i love that steve and shannon's kids now call them "mother" and "father" after seeing sound of music. i love natalies sweet dance moves.

i love it.

Boggle

for those of you who know me, you know that i love boggle. love it. and i am pretty good at it. and now that i have this job that isn't busy sometimes i play on-line boggle. well i just found the best, best on-line boggle. it give the def. of all the words in the puzzle. there are so many words that i had no idea were....well...words. here are some examples....and if you do play boggle...this will seriously help your boggle score!! www.wordtwist.org
loor- beloved
wey- path, road
tenne- to allot
nee- 'born", used to indicate maiden name or family name of married women
vare- a wand or staff of authority
tav- hebrew letter
nie - to approach
poon- a wood that is used to make mast and spars
toom- empty
sey- part of a carcas of beef
yex- to hiccough (um....for real???)
ers- bitter vetch (what???)
Good luck folks! and if you are ever in town...please, please play boggle with me!!!

i love that beth and sarah played boggle with me even though they never really liked it, but they loved me. i love that beth once spelled "water hose" for 11 points!! i love that steve mersinger is an amazing boggle play. i Love that even though i am a horrible, horrible speller i still am good at boggle. i love even when i try really really hard to profread my own writing i always, always miss mistakes. i love spell check!!! i love in the book "ramona quimby age 8" she also questions why spelling is important. i love that when i did the spell check for this post....all the words i wrote above were highlighted.

things

1. I got a job. I will be the senior public health nutritionist for Duval County in Jacksonville, Florida for the WIC program (women, infant and children). (not the WICA program like my mom always says!!!) This program offer food assistance as well as free nutrition education to the people in Duval County. So i still get to work with women affected by poverty as well as use my very dormant nutrition skills. I will also be a supervisor to a team of dietitians and doing one-on-one nutrition counseling to high risk patients. It will be a challenge on all levels so am looking forward to the challenge. i start may 15th.

2. I am going to be living next door to Craig and Jen Curell. in a 1 bedroom super cute flat. I know Jen from college and both Jen and Craig were with WMF, so that will be so cool!

3. i am most likely buying the car i have been borrowing from some friends.

4. my friends are trying to hook me up with some quality men and i like that.

5. i was thinking about checking out colorado, but as i was sitting on my couch two weeks ago in perfect 80 degree weather and they were talking about a snow storm in denver.....well, that pretty much made the decision for me!!!

6. I will work at my current temp job until the end of april. the last two weeks only part time.

7. I am going to Omaha to the board meeting to officially end my time with WMF. on the way i get to stop and see my brother.

8. have loved being here in orlando and hanging out with laura and vannessa and all my peeps. i love that i another single friend who we can talk about boys with!!!

9. i had a trip planned to st. louis but had to cancel because i had to start this job. am way bummed won't get to see ange and court in person.

10. i wonder if God is more free to move in america in the physical realm then in India. I mean everything in my life is falling in place...and people say to me "wow God really loves you?" and my first thought is...yeah, He does but does that mean he doesn't love my friends in Sonagachi? and i think that there has to be some kind of freedom here for God to move.....in different ways then he moves in India....or maybe its not different at all.....i don't know.

11. saw slum dog millionaire last night outside on the green at UCF and loved it even better the second time around. India is an amazing country.

12. i think its cute how all people from michigan when they talk about where they live use the their hand to show apox. where they live!!!

13. love that i am having a party to say thanks and we might play hillbilly boxing!!!

i love that my friends in kolkata miss me. i love that laura made me a kelly clarkson cd!!! i loved the weather yesterday...honestly...it was perfect. i love that this man i met yesterday started a ministry from the lay people in the church and then asked the pastors for their support. and it worked better then anything the church as ever done before. i love that the apartment i am going to live in has this huge amazing tree in the background. i love sending beth and sarah......some fun fun stuff.

............Olivia!!!

so my little niece really loves holidays...or shall we say she had a grandmother who really loves her and holidays!!! however, i do love getting pictures of the little all the time. its always makes me smile.




I love that something broke in me this weekend.....i have been happier since the kelly clarkson concert then i have been in about two months!!!i love that naomi fell asleep in my lap on sunday. i love that i am getting more used to a schedule. i love my new brown skirt from old navy. i love that i get to deposit my pay check today!!! i love that i am applying for a job in jacksonville. i love hope.

why Kelly Clarkson is cool

So Saturday has been one of my favorite days in a really really long time. Laura and I scored free tickets to Universal Studios Mardi Gras celebration on the night the Kelly Clarkson just happen to be playing.....Laura and i have been wanting to see Kelly for about 4 years now. and i really really love Kelly clarkson. I drove beth and sarah crazy when we were in Bangladesh because every morning we would exercise to Kelly!! They were really tired of both me and Kelly by the end!!

but Laura and i got to go on a couple rides at universal (the mummy and shreck 4 d) and just had fun waiting in lines. she made me laugh lots. then we randomly run into our friends vanessa and eric. we snagged a place in line b/c the parade was starting. So vanessa and i had so much fun trying to catch beads from the floats. for some reason i found it hysterical in how much joy i found in catching the plastic beads. i laughed lots.

then came the concert....we actually kinda snuck up to the front side of the stage and actually had to totally ignore a security card who was trying to get us to move. but vanessa and Eric and laura held strong and i was so glad they did...b/c they were great seats.
Kelly came on stage...and yes ladies and gentlemen the rumors are true...she has gained weight. you could even see her arm fat. and her outfit wasn't very cool and she talked about burping on stage and made fun of her hair.......and sang freakin amazing!!!!!!!!!! and all the imperfections made her so cool and relate able and so my favorite girl pop rocker ever.
i mean one of her new songs talks about "I don't hook up, I take things slow, I don't hook up, i fall deep".............helloooooo how awesome is that!!!?? in a world where women are still defined by their sexuality...Kelly comes out with a song about not hooking up...love it.
we got to jump up and down and sing at the top of our lungs. and the last song all these people had cleared out...so folks we got even closer and more toward the center. and the last song was "my life would suck without you" and i jumped up and down as high as a i could and smiled and sang and for that 5 minutes all was right with the world. it was joyful and perfect and i was with friends and was safe and happy and felt completely satisfied and happy.
yeah....i know...it was a kelly clarkson concert but it touched my soul....not in one of those deep thoughtful ways...but the way that say "its gonna be okay" Life is really fun sometimes. Joy freedom.

so that is why kelly clarkson is cool.

i love dancing and not being self conscious at all! i love i get to send a care package to beth and sarah. i love that Gay mann surprised me this weekend by finishing my poster for me and vacuming my room...it was super thoughtful and kind. i love that today its 78 degrees......i think that is why i really love florida. i love that laughter brings satisfaction

i really am not interested in politics, but it seems that everything is political. i try to listen to NPR in the mornings and sometimes in the afternoon. but sometimes i have to change it b/c it makes me sad and worried. but this morning as i was listening i almost broke down in tears. i have been listening and following what is going on in mexico with the drug related violence and it breaks my heart. they said that 6,000 people died this year in drug related deaths. it has shut down tourism, shut down cities, and caused an already trouble nation even more trouble.
and this morning i heard that mrs. clinton was visiting. and mrs. clinton exposed america. she actually admitted that we are the ones feeding the drug problem. we are the ones selling illegal firearms to mexico....she took responsibility for us. it was awesome. she talked about how in this global world we all rise and fall together.
i think it was the first time i heard america admit its part in something. so it gave me hope. maybe i am just naive and this only has political motivation, but maybe not.....maybe we really want to make decisions in our country not made in isolation. maybe we want to make mexico a better place to live, maybe we want to empower mexico so she can stand on her own two feet and people can be free not to live in fear. maybe.

it's funny. after living in community for the past five years i kinda see things different. I see how dangerous it is operating out of isolation, with the "I" being the most important factor in the decision. I think all of us move towards this tendency. I know america does. I know i do. I remember how hard it was to put the focus off of me and make a group decision (ask my fellow fleshies how not good i was at that!!) i had to learn how to slow down and consider others. i had to learn how to let people confront my selfishness in my heart. but i find here, its so so so so easy to hide. and even though living in community was one of the hardest things i have ever done i believe that its what God calls us too, b/c when we are community there is accountability. i believe that yes, we hurt each other in community through the intimacy of relationship but i also feel like community protects us, protects the world around us, protects the people with less power, protects us from ourselves. i miss it.
so my prayer for america, for the church is the same prayer i pray for myself....that i would move from isolation to community. to not make me the center, but others. Lord, help me.

i love beth and sarah. i love my $1 dollar sunglasses. i love the way NPR tells stories. I love the amazing spring florida is having. i love that when i do something right at work. i love being able to give and love in the same way that i have been loved. i love rob bell.

a prayer

Holy Jesus, your forgiving love saves

and disturbs me.

Without it, I am lost,

Yet, if I receive it, I must practice it.

By your mercy, make me merciful;

By your forgiveness, help me to forgive

as I have been forgiven.

Amen.

(stole this from david chronic's update)

rip my face off.

i love when i have work at work. i love getting up early to exercise and then going back to bed. i love wearing bright happy colors. i love that i got to talk to beth and sarah on sunday night!!! i love that last night i made the most amazing stuffed tomatoes.....seriously...it was "getting a man" food. i love that i like the rhythm work brings me.

rip my face off

Here is a link to find out how you compare to the rest of the world. If i worked at this temp Secretary job i would still be in the top 10.5% of the world!!!!!!!!!!! isn't that crazy????? crazy????? so go there, have your face ripped off.

http://www.globalrichlist.com/index.php


i love the salad i am eating...red peppers, yellow peppers, blue cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, grapes, almonds and raspberry vinaigrette dressing...yum. i love that i am going to omaha. i love that my friend steve falls asleep in the car in the driveway of his house. i love that i get to see my brother on the way to omaha!!!! i love the feeling of learning something new, even if it is just learning how to print an envelope.

What?????

so its weird. just weird. i mean this country. its just soooooo different from india. i still try to put worlds together but i just can't. i mean when i turn on NPR or any of the new i listen to its all about those guys who got like 1 million dollar bonuses with government bailout money!!!!! 1 million dollars. isn't that insane??? i mean....a 1 million dollar bonus is more then i will ever make...ever!!! it would support sari bari and all the staff and ladies for year and years and years and year. and then you have my neighbors who lived outside my flat on the street in kolkata. or what about the 6 phone calls i have gotten from guys looking for work b/c they have been laid off. I just feel so bad for them. and then there are my new clothes...that even though 85% of which were bought at garage sales, all of which i love and maybe even covet make me feel a little guilty. and then there is the fact that i thought i had enough money and then all of the sudden i realized if i wasn't living with gay i wouldn't be able to afford rent. and the money that i do have in my account used to be lots and lots in India but here...not so much. and what about the absolute excess i see here and how i look in my heart and i really really love my "stuff". i love the excess. and i love being comfortable. and i am somewhat disgusted with myself and how easily i feel like i give in to all this stuff i see around me.
and sometimes i feel fearful. i listen to the news and hear how america is going to get worse and i get scared and panic and wonder how i am going to make it...how this country will make it....and how far away we are from being like india. i really hope far away.
and i think that to help my fears i need to give. i feel self protected and fearful. that isn't abundant life is it?? that isn't trusting is it? what do i do with the 10,000 girls in sonagachi now that i can't touch them, or talk with them, or be with them? how do i keep them close and remember them and let them mold me and how do i fight for them now when all i want to do is wear pretty clothes and stay away from poverty and all that it brings. i want to stay in my nice bubble for awhile and eat nice food and not get hurt any more.
but that isn't abundant life either. is it?
i am pretty numb right now. self protected.
maybe its okay for this season. maybe its going to be okay. maybe i will be okay and i can some how live in tension between the rich and poor. i don't know if i ever found that balance in India...maybe that is good and how its supposed to be. maybe its the minute i stop struggling that Satan wins, poverty wins, the sex trade wins, evil wins..........i don't know.
just know i miss my friends. and love my friends here. two worlds pulling me.

i love that i have gay who helped me make a budget. i love that kyle and michelle put me on speaker phone. i love that i cried while writing this and it feels good. i love that i most likely will get to go to omaha and be recommissioned back here. i love that God is getting bigger to me. i love that i get to play on-line boggle lots. i love that i get to talk to jessa whenever i want.

adventure vs. staying put

so i have this battle that always rages in my heart....to stay or leave. i am at this point in my life where i don't have any commitments...no car payment, no mortgage, no kids....and i see the world before me....and i want to go and explore and see everything and be in extreme beauty and meet people from all different cultures and eat all different kinds of food and just see this world....even the states....and i get restless so easily. and this is part of what makes me, well me. but this restlessness is also what keeps me out of relationships and constantly moving. so as i look into my future (and look on the Internet) i just see all this opportunity to go!!!! but is that is what best for me now......is that is what is important to me. because every time i choose something i have to give something else. because when i am moving all the time i don't have my own space and my roots don't go deep. its easy to stay on the surface of things when i am always moving.
so this is my question do i stay or do i go???? do i go and work in colorado for 3 months in the mountains? do i look at jobs in france for the next couple months? do i move to jacksonville and settle down and get job and work 9 to 5 (the 9 to 5 makes me want to vomit!!!!) what do i do? how do i live my life in the midst of so much freedom when i know the poor exist? does that mean i should restrict my freedom? or does that mean i can be free for a little bit and have some adventure and then slow down? hmmmm.................

well here are some pics of on of the most cutest baby in the world (and a very cute dad!!! or a cute grandpa!!!)

cutest dad award!!! (mine!)

i love that i think i look more beautiful now then when i was younger. i love sommer and her sense of humor. i love that i promised when i moved home i would try to take advantage of what this country offers....free concerts in the park, lectures, parks, libraries.....stuff like this. i when i don't talk to my mom i have this mom ache in my heart and i have to talk with her. i love that i have a kolkata ache in my heart. i love that last night i talked to a man from india that spoke bengali and i almost started crying!!!!

dunder mifflin, this pam.....

so i am a secretary for the next couple weeks...well next six weeks. its weird to sit in an office and dress kinda nice and be nice, but hey....its okay. its a job and i get to make some money and fill a need. i am working at my friend tom's roofing company. their secretary is out on maternity leave. she went into labor two weeks earlier so i started sooner then i thought but that is way okay for me. in fact, i said to God yesterday morning, "i am ready to work God. I really think that i am ready. It feels time" and then my phone range two hours later. i wish finding a husband was that easy!!!!

so here i am in an a/c office. weird. but my friend tom and the guys that work here are great really manly type of guys. for example, there is a 13 ft. stuffed gator that tom killed himself on a gator hunt. its pretty freaky but manly all the same. my counselor told me to hang around some good men. so, i really think he sent me here. all the men here are just good, salt of the earth type people. so that is good for me.

started watching this series called corpus christo. its a series where they get all these historians together and they study about Jesus. i was actually really afraid to watch it...isn't that a little silly. but i was nervous that it would give evidence that would make me think too much and challenge what i believe to much.....but then i thought that if one video can destroy my faith....what kind of faith is that. and i figure that God is bigger then a video and i am really really interested in what they were talking about....so i started to watch it. will let you know what i learn.

so this is kind of a dumb blog post.

sorry.

i love that this weekend had an amazing time with all saints youth girls and then i write about my job. i love the ocean. i love 80 degree weather. i love that i have plans to go to the beach two times in the next week. i love that this job literally fell in my lab. i love that tom has been one of my biggest fans since the time i knew him. i love that its going to be okay.