The taming of the wild stallion

where are the men?

2010-11-26T09:35:00.001-08:00

there are lots of men here. lots of men in the states. lots of men on this earth. However, where are the men when it comes to the issue of human trafficking? I go to conferences and they are filled with advocates for women. advocates for the girls who are victims of sex trafficking. and yes, there are some men advocating for the victims of human trafficking.
but i must make this point. if there was no demand for the sex trade, there will be no need to supply women. Men, you buy sex. Your gender is the reason that human trafficking exist. I am trying my hardest not to come across as an angry feminist but its a simple fact. with out the demand for sex, there would be no supply.
so my question is, Men where are you? why are you not advocating and fighting for the souls of them men who are buying the 13 year olds girls? who are buying the 25 year old? who are buying the 40 year old women? who are oppresing my friends around the world? why are you not coming along side these men and standing with them, fighting for them. identifying with them,.......doing your part to end the sex trade. to end prostitution? to bring the men to freedom?

i am tired of people telling me that "it the oldest profession". no its not...its the oldest form of oppresion. and for some reason men don't stand up for this issue. They justify it with lust.

lust is a complicated thing. i am a women and can say that i DO NOT understand the power and force and controlling power of lust. i DO NOT understand its ability to control and manipulate men. or its power to make men feel like hypocrites if they do stand up and fight. or the power it has to make men hide in shame and live double lives. and i am not writing to say i understand men or to shame men or to give answers. only questions.
and My question is, Men what are you doing to help other men? what are you doing to help end the sex trade? Men, are you entering into each others suffering, shame, darkness, oppression? are you walking besides your brothers and offering grace and a safe place?
men......you are the problem. men......you are the solution.
men in the gatch sell their wives. men in the gatch tell me to my face that they have come to the red-light district for "fu^*%*^ing", i had a christian man in the red-light area say that he couldn't control himself and had to come sleep with a girl daily. i had a tourist sleep with my friend s. who was only 15 at the time. i see men in america whose sole purpose is to sleep with as many women as possible or do anything do get a girl in bed. i see televison sitcoms a that make watching pornography a joke.
so men.........where are you? where is your fight?
i pray that shame and fear would not keep you silent. we need you to fight. we need you to love your brothers. we need you to face your darkness and let people in. we need you to come into the light together. we need you to stop making pornography and one night stand acceptable. we need to stop the idea of 'boys will be boys".
Men we need you. Because us women cannot fight on your own. without you we will never stop this problem. without you we will still need 9, 720 more jobs to end the sex trade in songachi alone.
please men. fight. do not give up. there is a Jesus who loves you. there is a chance to change things on this earth. there is redemption. YOU ARE THE SOLUTION. YOU ARE THE ANSWER.

i love the fried eggplant just outside of sarah's house. i love that i am excited to go home tomorrow to jacksonville. i love everything i have been able to see and experience in kolkata since i have been here. i love hearing a women's testimony at saribari who said her life now has respect. i love sari bari, beth sarah and my friends here.

the celebration

2010-11-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

there is so much to write. so much that i feel overwhelmed when i think of writing. so much that i feel so inadaquate to get it all down on paper (or computer) so i can remember it and come back to it. so here goes.....
When i would think about india over the past two years it would be the worst of the worst....i close my eyes in worship and would see the young girls lining the streets or holding the women at the train station while she was dying or my friends being raped in the bed besides where i was sitting.
and yes...those memories are real and horrible and the reality here but coming back to Kolkata has reminded me of how much good there is also.
yesterday we had to walk through the red-light area to get to the new sari bari unit. (need to interject here....we dreamed for a safe place in the gatch for years and years. we even tried to start sari bari in the gatch while i was here but it all fell through. God timing right???). We only walked through a small portion of the area but it was enough. we walked by our friend Beauty who i knew for my entire five years here. we walked by the young girls who i thought were 15 at the time but as i greeted them again this time they still looked 15. it was the same young girls that i knew from last time! the same young girls who are under slave labor! the same girls who are forced to work the line from 8:00am to who knows how long at night. the same young girls who are forced to wear mini skirts and bad makeup and are taught to grab men when they walk by them. the ones whose childhoods have been stolen by men's lust. these are the girls whose faces haunt me. who i bring to God and cry out "why?" and "How?" and what are you doing for them?
so after seeing them i am walking down the red-light district with tears streaming down my cheeks. those questions start to rise in my mind again...the anger towards God. the questions and will never be answered.
as we come around the corner from seeing the girls kyle says, "look up kristin. that is sari bari". and i go up some stairs.....not slime covered, dark stairs that lead me to a friends room where she is oppressed and her dignity is stolen but stairs that lead to hope and new life and new beginings and grace and love and safety.
i walk into sari bari in the gatch and can again breath. the place is open and beautiful and the ladies are laughing and i see girls who i knew in the red light district sewing!!! i see ladies who i knew from kalighat now in leadership and giving freedom to the ladies in the gatch. i see and feel hope and i feel all the anger and hate and questions melt off of me and all i can do it sit there and cry and be amazed.
i walked from hell to a place of hope in the matter of minutes. Hope exist in the gatch. HOPE EXIST. it was an impossible dream. impossible. but through dreams, work, prayer, community, grace, power, mercy.....it exist. and it was so damm awesome. it is my answer to most of my question. Thank you God.

there are other stories but this will be a start.
i love that when i cried at sari bari a. gave me a huge hug. i love that God is allowing me to celebrate. i love how normal everything feels here. i love that i got to have tok doi and bananas for breakfast this morning. i love that i got to see my friend jon again. i love beth and sarah so muchly.

unexpected

2010-11-13T16:25:00.000-08:00

I don't really know how i can piece together all my theology about timing and God but it feels like this trip is so timely. perfect really. have been surprised so far how much i feel that. yesterday i spend the day with charlotte and julian and their two seriously adorable daughters. i mean a 2 1/2 year old who has the sweetest british accent is enough to melt the heart of any american right? we went to the tate modern (didn't really get a lot of the art but there was so come cool stuff), had coffee by the river, took the tube around town, and ended up at an amazing cathedral and got to sit in on a reharshal of mozarts requasition. it was amazing.
and today i got to take part in charlotte and julian's "church". 4 times a year this group of friends gets together to pray for their friends overseas as well as for each other.....and eat brilliant food together. it was such a refreshing intimate time. we worshipped together with no guitar just our voices. most of their friend are artist or musically talented so it was beautiful. then we two specific times of prayer. it was like breathing fresh air.
and i met a girl who had lived overseas for 5 years, came back relatively burned out and was just again getting back into working with women in prostitution (um sound familiar). so it was so encouraging to meet her and hear her story and her journey. so similar to mine. makes it less lonely.
two more days until kolkata. can't wait.

i love that i bought a shirt and a belt today from a consignment shop in london!!!! i love that today in the grocery store i heard three different languages and saw people from at least 7 different nationalities. i love that london reminds me of how big and small the world is. i love that i met a couple who met kyle and michelle in india and another girl who worked with nepali trafficked girls in hong kong and actually met brook and kara. such a small world. i love that i miss my friends in jacksonville.

India

2010-11-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

So, i haven't blogged in a long long time. nothing much felt worthy of a blog. but but i am going back to india in four days. four days. so i decided (with a little prompting from a friend) to start blogging again. but just a fair warning....i am a terrible proof reader and my blog will be filled with spelling and gramatical errors and lots of exclamation points. but i can promise that i will always try to be thoughtful and real. so here goes.......
as some of you know i tried to go back to india back in april and being who God created me to be realized at the airport that my passport would expire 4 days into my trip.
but it has seemed to work out for the better. in that time beth and sarah both have come to visit, God has worked a lot out in my heart, my life in jacksonville is getting exciting and i feel like i am coming alive again, and probably one of the best reason is.....its not gonna be hot!!!!
when i think of going back this time my heart starts beating faster. i get so excited. very different what i felt 6 months ago. I feel like my two weeks in India is going to be a celebration of what God has done. My friends have made me out a schedule for my trip. and when i was reading over it i couldn't stop crying. My schedule is filled with seeing the fruit of my labors. of seeing people and places i only dreamed about....that were just my crazy visions. and now i am going to see my friends in places of redemption. I can't wait.
so will try to be better about updates. i feel like its important this time to take people with me...so we can celebrate what God did and what in HIs mercy He let me be apart of. and for that i am eternally thankful.

and to continue my tradition of blog i will close with the things i love.
i love my mom's pumpkin pie. I love doing something i think is impossible. i love drinking wine of the veranda with beth and sarah. i love that my niece loves me. i love i get to baby sit amelia dec. 4th!!! i love the adventure that is my life.

why i am so muchly loving my country.

2009-08-17T03:23:00.000-07:00

My life is pretty surreal. I am working as a dietitian for the WIC (women infant and children) program in jacksonville, fl. I am a supervisor (weird!!) and get to see high risk clients and give nutrition counseling (teen pregnancy, low iron, low birth weight babies, permies, underweight kids). i go to a great church....river city church. and live next door to the coolest people ever...jen and craig curell. here is my list of why my life is good right now.

1. i have gotten to see my brother three times since december. This is the most in the past 6 years i have seen him.
2. when i go walk in my neighborhood i can hear bugs and birds.
3. i have cherry diet coke in my fridge.
4. everyday i am clean and cute.
5. i can wear whatever i want.
6. i can wear heels.
7. i can see my parents at least once a month.
8. i can talk with men here.
9. i went to a bar on friday night to watch football!!!
10. i will be here for gator football season!!!
11. cheese
12. beef
13. a church where i am fed spiritually
14. no garbage on the road.
15. clean, clean clean clean clean.
16. for the first time in my life having my own flat and it being cute.
17. living next door to the curells.
18. court and ange coming to visit.
19. getting to be around kids and babies all the time.
20. salads.
21. i am breathing.
22. i can let my guard down.
23. working for a country where no one has to go hungry.
24. everyday counseling women and families that if i was living in india i would be passing by on the streets holding their malnourished babies.
25. a job that is culturally diverse.
26. my new mix CD from ange.
27. craft nights
28. cheese dip
29. dancing to thriller with 20 healthy beautiful alive teenage girls who are safe in their home and haven't been trafficked and being able to tell them about kovita and have them weep with me for her.
30. my couch.
32. my dining room table.
33. my 1/2 and 1/2 coffee each morning in my to-go much with french vanilla cream.
34. NPR
35. my trip to india in feb. to visit
36. selling sari bari products
37. birkenstocks
38. my big fridge
39. nice left over beer from a party
40. real simple magazine.

these are just a few. this doesn't mean that my heart doesn't ache to be in kolkata with the girls and beth and sarah. but there are a lot of good reasons for living here.
so peace out party people.

an old email.

2009-05-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

So my friend steve and shannon kept this email that i sent out around spring 2004...so about 5 years ago. its about this crazy experience i had in nepal. it reminded me of who i am and all i have to do is be available and Jesus moves. I ministered to myself so i figured it must be God.

Hey everyone,
I am sorry for all the e-mails I haven't written back to yet. I haven't had consistent e-mail access in Thailand and the area of nepal I was in it is so slow but I have to write you and tell you some amazing stories.The retreat with the staff was so good. The island was beautiful and the time with the staff was so good. I had to say good-bye to Josh and that way, way sucked. I think that I am going to be a little lost for a while with out him in Calcutta. I will write more about all the changes later...but I wanted to tell about how God sent me into the darkness of the thai sex trade.The sex industry in Thailand is huge....not for Thai people but for forgein men coming to sleep with Thai girls, or boys, or both. At the beach we stayed with probably 1 out of the six couples were older men with young Thai girls. It was rather sickening to see. I had read some about the sex trade in different books but really could believe that I was seeing this right in front of my eyes on my vacation. Their stories are so similar to the girls in India....rape, beatings, desperation, poverty, shame. bangkok is renown for its sex trade and people actually just come to thailand to purchase sex.
So....here is how Jesus let me minister to the people not in the sex trade this time.....but the men themselves.
Let me start this story off. I left the beach two days earlier than the staff b/c I had to fly to nepal to meet the servant team. So i left the beach last saturday the 25th. I took the boat back to the mainland and ended up meeting these two guys from Germany who were going back to bangkok. Their were both 25 and studying in China and were on holiday. Their names were Thomas and Andrew.WE ended up getting a taxi b/c the bus wasn't coming for another two hours and we wanted to have some time in bangkok. So the whole three hour cab ride we chatted....about so much stuff. Communism, germany, american, china, living overseas......But within the first 30 minutes Thomas says to me "Yeah China girls are so easy. all you have to do is say Hi and they are yours". Then he asked me if I knew any dirty jokes...mind you Andrew is in the back of the cab dying of embarassment. We got our rooms at our hostel. I had to catch a cab at 4:30 in the morning and realized that I did't have alarm clock. They guys said I should just not go to bed and stay out all night....I never do things like that anymore but I was kinda like...what the heck. These guys had made me laugh, I have enough money in my pocket for a cab ride home, and I was up for some adventure...so I went.
We first went to this outdoor market and sat and listened to a thai band sing Britney spears, the beatles...and a lot of other random music. Thomas started to tell me about this bar that he knows in the red-light district in bagkok called goldfinger. I told him if it was anything like I had heard about them I wasn't going in. He reassured me that it wasn't...they have bars in this area that aren't "sex bars". I told them I was a tad scared...images of the red-light district in Calcutta came racing to my mind and they reassured me that I would be okay.So we hopped in a touk-touk (like a golf cart type thing) and headed toward the red-light district that I had heard so much about.
On the way there a strange holy spirit thing happened in my heart and I started to pray for them and somehow I knew it was going to be okay and that i was actually supposed to be here in this moment.So we end up in the red-light district right smack dab in the middle of the action. It is so different than India.....there are tourist every where!!!! The street in the middle is lined with shops that sell tourist things (normal things...like tshirts and purses) and the sides of the streets are lined with bars...some "sex bars" and some normal (i think) bars. I am propositioned (along with the guys) to come inside this one bar and they have a menu of "sex acts". that you can purchase. It makes me so sad.
WE find this bar called "goldfinger". Thomas had heard about it from a friend and it was supposed to be the best bar around. So we go in.I walk in and the first thing I see is girls on top of the bar dancing in bikini's and that is it. So we sit in the corner some and they get a beer and then I end up meeting the owner. He is american!!!
And i begin to notice the whole bar is filled with old american men!!! I ask how and why he started this. I think now he is around 48 years old and he said that 25 years ago he moved to Korea after his divorce and had worked for ITT for 5 years there and wanted a change so he came to this area and bought this bar. He said that he is married to a thai woman. He met her when she was fifteen!!!!! and the day she turned 18 she moved in with him!!! and now they have been married for 6 years....so you do the math. He says this bar is strictly for drinking only and the girls.....well they just happen to be there.
So we move on. We finish walking down the street and it is filled with dancing bar girls and some of the names of the bar are really explicit....really different from caluctta.So....we get to the end of the street and ended up playing some pool and then going to mcdonald's!!! It was really, really fun.
So we go back to the tourist area. WE end up at this bar that they had gone to the other night. SO i once again begin to look around began to notice...not old white men with thai girls....but young men....guys my age....I mean in this bar alone I saw about 20 different men with thai girls.So I start to talk to thomas and andrew about this when we get interrupted by this waiter who says these men who know thomas and andrew want us to join them for a drink.So we move tables and I am with six men now...four older french men and thomas and andrew. I start to ask thomas more questions and find out that two nights ago he hired a thai girl for the entire night for 800 bhat (about $20). I just kinda sat there for a little bit.THen the french guy was looking at some pictures and I made the mistake of asking who they were......he then showed me a picture of thomas with a thai girl ( no big deal), then andrew sitting at a bar with a thai girl, and then a picture of the thai girl that I won't even tell about here because the image still haunts my mind.Then the gross french men starts talking about tahi girls and how he wants to marry me and they are just so gross and creepy.
So thomas and andrew and I start talking again and I end up telling them what I do exactly in Calucutta....I work to get girl out of the sex trade.thomas is silent.The french men get up to leave and the french man whispers in my ear something that makes my body twinge with disgust and hate and I wondered what vile acts he has done to women.as they get up to leave I turn to andrew and say "I am sitting at a table of men that I hate. I am sitting here with the very people who are doing what God wants undone". He looks at me and says "I know. I think it is wrong to"
the french men left and I start to ask my two friends questions. WHy? lonliness? pleasure? they tell me it is all of the above.
SO then I get to tell them (actually andrew already has a basic knowledge of how bad the sex trade is) about how these girls get to the streets here. I get to tell them about how its not a choice. I get to tell them my dreams for the girls. It was awesome.And then somehow Thomas ended up asking me how many people I had slept with....when I said no one they about fell out of their chairs. They could believe it. So that led in to this whole other conversation about marriage, and commitment, and God. I wish you could of seen the way, specifically Thomas, looked at me differently. I think that is possible the most beautiful I have ever felt in my life. I think something connected with Thomas that night....for the first time he saw past his own lust and started to see the girls and where they come from.
I asked thomas how many people he had slept with. HE said before China....six...but since he went to china he had slept with at least twice that many. His goal was to sleep with a woman in every county he went to. When I look at this man I could so clearly see the stronghold of lust over his life. He was so obsesses with sex and what he called "fun times" that it was almost like an additicion and sex and pleasure was all he could see. I actually felt sorry for him.So we then started to talk about marriage and it was just so good.The french men invited them to go to this hotel and get some girls but instead they wanted to hang out more and we went to this other bar and ended up meeting other really cool travelers and just talked about life and culture until 4:15 in the morning and it was time to go.As they walked me upstairs THomas gave me a hug...I wish I had words to describe the hug....it was honoring to me in so many ways but also so desperate in some. I knew that his heart was hurting and craved something pure and craved to be loved. This night was so huge for me....so huge...
I was in the midst of the darkness but yet I have never felt like such a light. I realized that I am not just waiting to have sex till i am married for my husband but for guys like Thomas and anderew and the girls in Sonagatchie and the girls in Thailand. IT made me see how obedience to Jesus makes me beautiful. I have no doubt in my heart those men saw Jesus in me. Jesus is the only reason that I am waiting and the only reason I do the work I do....and I felt like I was oozing Jesus. And the most amazing thing is that this whole night just came from being available.....from trusting the Spirit. It wasn't planned or manipulated.I just got an e-mail yesterday from andrew saying how it was really impactful to meet me and apologized again for thomas. and said that he couldn't believe he took me into those places and that he is rethinking what commitment is......Isn't that amazing???? JEsus rips my face off.
But the thing that stayed with me the whole night is that i knew that Jesus was in the red-light district. I knew that he was in that bar goldfinger and at that table amongst those men. He is there b/c he loves both the thai girls and those dirty french men and me and thomas and andrew. I didin't have to be afraid.
I was blown away that in thailand the problem are not the uneducated men of thailand or the poor or the perverts....it is the average white college educated man. It is us...the westerners capitalizing on the poverty of the young women. It is us....not them. This night in bangkok brought this issue home for me. In India it is easy to blame the indian man....but I see just a glimpse in the gatch of the power of lust. It made me so clearly see that sexual sin permeates us all....all cultures, races, countries...it is not just india's problem......it is ours.
So...on a closing note. Men ( and women). IF you are caught in lust. Tell someone. Confess to your friends and your church family. Get free. I see to many men whose lives are destroyed by it and too many young girls whose lives are forever destroyed by it. I know there is freedom. Jesus wants to give it.So if you could say a prayer for thomas and andrew. I will write another mass e-mail soon and catch you up on things in sonagachie.....sorry this was sooo long. if you read to the end thank you. love in Christ,

my balloon ride

2009-04-30T11:54:00.001-07:00

I got to go hot air ballooning on Wednesday morning. My friend and boss, Tom Tanenbaum best friend, BOB owns a ballooning company. So he offered to take me one morning. So after meeting at 6:00am we headed out....and then up!!! it was really really cool. I felt like charlie from willy wonka and the chocolate factory when he got to ride in the glass elevator. Its such a crazy sensation to float above the world. We went over some swamps and saw deer, cows (aka beth's mom). wild pigs (hey sarah you didn't tell me your mom was visiting), and some pretty birds. It was so cool.

this is after landing...sorry...they are in reverse order. they had all this down to a science.
we got to see the sun come up. this was after we crossed over I-4. if you look you can see the other balloon that flew with us. there used to be lots and lots of flying together, but then people got nasty and competitive and went their own way. so bob is real old school and still would rather fly together.....he is cool.
here comes the sun!!!
me, bob, and a really nice british couple celebrating their 28th year of marriage standing inside the balloon...this was a cool part.
they first fill the balloon up with cold air using a huge fan. then heat of the air and shazam....the balloon rises. we ended up traveling about 13 miles in one hour. not the fastest mode of transportation but definitely one of the most relaxing!!!

After a kinda exciting and rocky landing, you get to have a champagne toast and everyone raises their glasses and says this toast together.

The winds have welcomed you with softness
the sun has blessed you with warm hands
you have flown so high and so well
that God has joined you in your laughter
and set you gently back
into the loving arms of mother earth.

isn't that pretty.

so i highly recommended going on a hot air balloon ride. specifically with bob. www.bobsballons.com its cool to float.

i love that i bought a car yesterday. i love that i really am spoiled at work....tom bought be going away flowers and today we all went out to lunch at a really really nice Chinese buffet. I had lunch with 4 men today and they all make me laugh. i love what different things men talk about at lunch then women. i love the feeling of excitement i have right now about moving. i love that i feel hopeful. i love walking out of a freezing cold restaurant into the perfect 85 degree weather and having the sun thaw me out.

my weekend away

2009-04-28T10:51:00.000-07:00

I got to spend two nights with my brother in Dallas. Then the next four in Omaha, NE where i got to participate in a board meeting and end my time with WMF.
here are some highlights!

1. My brother is seriously rockin cool. We only had two very short days together but we packed it in and did all the stuff we love doing together. This included eating lots of good food, playing Frisbee in the park, and probably my most favorite thing to do with my brother....a trip to Dave and Buster's...a big arcade. We played both basketball game, ski ball, some shooting games and our favorite game that always makes us laugh....air hockey. I really love my bro.

2. The commissioning service (and my ending time). I got to be there to commission Shelia who is moving to Kolkata. Both of her parents where there both of which who prayed for her. both of her parents spoke of the day they committed Shelia to Jesus when she was a baby girl and they both once again rededicated their daughter to Jesus and put their trust in Him. (this was all through shaky voices and many tears). It reminds me of what a cost a parent also pays when their child chooses to serve overseas. They have to release and trust just as much as the child. It was really beautiful. I wish i would of given my parents a chance to participate.

3. Mandy...Shazam!!!

4. Going dancing with Liz and energetic steve.

5. getting to celebrate the joy and suffering that my time in Kolkata was. I got to give a small reflection on my time in Kolkata. I use the communion cup. Its the perfect example of joy and sorrow mixed together. My time in Kolkata was so rich, so amazing, so deep, so overflowing with the suffering and redemption of Jesus that i cant' help but to be in awe. It was a good time. WMF i still think has the most amazing peeps on earth. It has been an honor to serve along side them.

6. Silas and Kim's kids. i got to stay with kim and silas and they have four kids ranging in age from 3-8. they are seriously the coolest kids ever. Kim and silas lived in Nepal for 9 years and i can see what amazing things this has done to their kids. I mean when audia (their six year old) moved to america she broke down crying because her friend in nepal didn't have the same things as her.....that is amazing! and they are well behaved and just fun. my favorite quote
me asking Pria (who is the little girl, age 3) what do you think about this economic down turn we are having pria?
Pria: gets really sad: "I hate trash"
Pria: "and my name isn't Pria, is Alishia and i am a dog"
so that would be an example of the coolest kids ever.

i love that i will get to see Gay this weekend. i love that i missed my friends here. I love that WMF inspires people to live their lives differently. I love that now both daphne and jara are married or getting married.....two strong, beautiful, independent, confident, exception women who i totally look up to. i love that i got to play ultimate frisbee on Thursday and it hurt my back less than yoga!!! i love that i am going on a hot air ballooning ride tomorrow. i love that i will be missed at this job and will miss the people at this job.

waiting, hillbilly boxing, change

2009-04-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

1. This weekend we had a party....for me! to celebrate India. it was super fun. we played hillbilly boxing, water balloon toss, the catch a water balloon in a bag game (a kristin original), horseshoes, and corn hole. it was really really fun. i laughed and was covered in flour and water and surrounded by really amazing people. We watched a video i found that laura had made me (we are talking VHS here folks!!) when i left wesley. it was filled with scary bunnies and me speaking at close to His heart. It reminded me of where i came from, how far God has brought me, and again...how many amazing people i get to be in relationship with!!

2. my time here is ending in Orlando. I went from being like "there is time! i don't have to see everyone i know in a week. I have time!" and now i am like...I don't have time!! i don't have time!! I am leaving in two weeks!! I don't have time". Change is coming fast folks. and its exciting and scary and life giving and makes me dream.

3. I travel to Omaha this weekend for the board meeting. It will be a time of closure. It makes me sad in some ways to officially end my time with WMF but it feels like it is coming at the perfect time...a week before i move to a new city to start a new life, and start with some new dreams. It feels like i can let it go now. It feels time to move.

4. It amazes me that when i take an hour and journal and write and stop running from God what He can do. I really only need an hour about once a week. and it had been two months. My conclusions from my time with God.....Be the 10th Leper. Live out of thankfulness. You have a choice what to do in the waiting. Maybe eternity and the fact that God will wipe away all my friends tears one day really is bigger then the current suffering of this world. Maybe God can make it okay in the end.

I love that i get to see the WMF folks this weekend. am ready for some acting natural poses!!! i love that i will get to go to andrew crawford's birthday. i love that i will get to go to olvia's christening. i love that i bought kelly green, polka dot flip flops this weekend. i love that i have watched the you tube video of susan boyle like 10 times and cry almost every time. i love that my life really feels right, right now.

my friend's kids

2009-04-15T09:05:00.001-07:00

my friends have some really amazing kids. yesterday for example....i am at jessa's house. Jessa and i are having this super serious conversation about God (well, i am telling her all my deepest darkest struggles and she is listening and being amazing) and life and suffering. He little girl then proceeds to grab my hand and say, "play with me. let's run". so we ran. and all was right with the world.

then at dinner we were praying. Jessa taught katherine a new prayer. which kat proceeded to put her own twist on. here goes
jessa; God is...
katherine: ....great.
Jessa God is....
katherine: good.
Jessa: Let us...
katerine: eat our food!

i love my friends kids. i love that i got to run out side with naomi through rows of trees and on a huge pile of leaves. i love that i told bethany (who was having trouble sleeping) to count to 275 and she would fall asleep. (i didn't hear anything after 30....) I love that my niece chilled out in my lap for about 40 minutes on easter. i love that issac makes me laugh out loud. I love that prema plays with her little brothers. I love that eli is a little chunk who loves to torment his brother when he is in the corner but also loves to snuggle with his dad. i love that steve and shannon's kids now call them "mother" and "father" after seeing sound of music. i love natalies sweet dance moves.

i love it.

Boggle

2009-04-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

for those of you who know me, you know that i love boggle. love it. and i am pretty good at it. and now that i have this job that isn't busy sometimes i play on-line boggle. well i just found the best, best on-line boggle. it give the def. of all the words in the puzzle. there are so many words that i had no idea were....well...words. here are some examples....and if you do play boggle...this will seriously help your boggle score!! www.wordtwist.org
loor- beloved
wey- path, road
tenne- to allot
nee- 'born", used to indicate maiden name or family name of married women
vare- a wand or staff of authority
tav- hebrew letter
nie - to approach
poon- a wood that is used to make mast and spars
toom- empty
sey- part of a carcas of beef
yex- to hiccough (um....for real???)
ers- bitter vetch (what???)
Good luck folks! and if you are ever in town...please, please play boggle with me!!!

i love that beth and sarah played boggle with me even though they never really liked it, but they loved me. i love that beth once spelled "water hose" for 11 points!! i love that steve mersinger is an amazing boggle play. i Love that even though i am a horrible, horrible speller i still am good at boggle. i love even when i try really really hard to profread my own writing i always, always miss mistakes. i love spell check!!! i love in the book "ramona quimby age 8" she also questions why spelling is important. i love that when i did the spell check for this post....all the words i wrote above were highlighted.

things

2009-04-10T07:39:00.001-07:00

1. I got a job. I will be the senior public health nutritionist for Duval County in Jacksonville, Florida for the WIC program (women, infant and children). (not the WICA program like my mom always says!!!) This program offer food assistance as well as free nutrition education to the people in Duval County. So i still get to work with women affected by poverty as well as use my very dormant nutrition skills. I will also be a supervisor to a team of dietitians and doing one-on-one nutrition counseling to high risk patients. It will be a challenge on all levels so am looking forward to the challenge. i start may 15th.

2. I am going to be living next door to Craig and Jen Curell. in a 1 bedroom super cute flat. I know Jen from college and both Jen and Craig were with WMF, so that will be so cool!

3. i am most likely buying the car i have been borrowing from some friends.

4. my friends are trying to hook me up with some quality men and i like that.

5. i was thinking about checking out colorado, but as i was sitting on my couch two weeks ago in perfect 80 degree weather and they were talking about a snow storm in denver.....well, that pretty much made the decision for me!!!

6. I will work at my current temp job until the end of april. the last two weeks only part time.

7. I am going to Omaha to the board meeting to officially end my time with WMF. on the way i get to stop and see my brother.

8. have loved being here in orlando and hanging out with laura and vannessa and all my peeps. i love that i another single friend who we can talk about boys with!!!

9. i had a trip planned to st. louis but had to cancel because i had to start this job. am way bummed won't get to see ange and court in person.

10. i wonder if God is more free to move in america in the physical realm then in India. I mean everything in my life is falling in place...and people say to me "wow God really loves you?" and my first thought is...yeah, He does but does that mean he doesn't love my friends in Sonagachi? and i think that there has to be some kind of freedom here for God to move.....in different ways then he moves in India....or maybe its not different at all.....i don't know.

11. saw slum dog millionaire last night outside on the green at UCF and loved it even better the second time around. India is an amazing country.

12. i think its cute how all people from michigan when they talk about where they live use the their hand to show apox. where they live!!!

13. love that i am having a party to say thanks and we might play hillbilly boxing!!!

i love that my friends in kolkata miss me. i love that laura made me a kelly clarkson cd!!! i loved the weather yesterday...honestly...it was perfect. i love that this man i met yesterday started a ministry from the lay people in the church and then asked the pastors for their support. and it worked better then anything the church as ever done before. i love that the apartment i am going to live in has this huge amazing tree in the background. i love sending beth and sarah......some fun fun stuff.

............Olivia!!!

2009-04-02T05:28:00.000-07:00

so my little niece really loves holidays...or shall we say she had a grandmother who really loves her and holidays!!! however, i do love getting pictures of the little all the time. its always makes me smile.

I love that something broke in me this weekend.....i have been happier since the kelly clarkson concert then i have been in about two months!!!i love that naomi fell asleep in my lap on sunday. i love that i am getting more used to a schedule. i love my new brown skirt from old navy. i love that i get to deposit my pay check today!!! i love that i am applying for a job in jacksonville. i love hope.

why Kelly Clarkson is cool

2009-03-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

So Saturday has been one of my favorite days in a really really long time. Laura and I scored free tickets to Universal Studios Mardi Gras celebration on the night the Kelly Clarkson just happen to be playing.....Laura and i have been wanting to see Kelly for about 4 years now. and i really really love Kelly clarkson. I drove beth and sarah crazy when we were in Bangladesh because every morning we would exercise to Kelly!! They were really tired of both me and Kelly by the end!!

but Laura and i got to go on a couple rides at universal (the mummy and shreck 4 d) and just had fun waiting in lines. she made me laugh lots. then we randomly run into our friends vanessa and eric. we snagged a place in line b/c the parade was starting. So vanessa and i had so much fun trying to catch beads from the floats. for some reason i found it hysterical in how much joy i found in catching the plastic beads. i laughed lots.

then came the concert....we actually kinda snuck up to the front side of the stage and actually had to totally ignore a security card who was trying to get us to move. but vanessa and Eric and laura held strong and i was so glad they did...b/c they were great seats.
Kelly came on stage...and yes ladies and gentlemen the rumors are true...she has gained weight. you could even see her arm fat. and her outfit wasn't very cool and she talked about burping on stage and made fun of her hair.......and sang freakin amazing!!!!!!!!!! and all the imperfections made her so cool and relate able and so my favorite girl pop rocker ever.
i mean one of her new songs talks about "I don't hook up, I take things slow, I don't hook up, i fall deep".............helloooooo how awesome is that!!!?? in a world where women are still defined by their sexuality...Kelly comes out with a song about not hooking up...love it.
we got to jump up and down and sing at the top of our lungs. and the last song all these people had cleared out...so folks we got even closer and more toward the center. and the last song was "my life would suck without you" and i jumped up and down as high as a i could and smiled and sang and for that 5 minutes all was right with the world. it was joyful and perfect and i was with friends and was safe and happy and felt completely satisfied and happy.
yeah....i know...it was a kelly clarkson concert but it touched my soul....not in one of those deep thoughtful ways...but the way that say "its gonna be okay" Life is really fun sometimes. Joy freedom.

so that is why kelly clarkson is cool.

i love dancing and not being self conscious at all! i love i get to send a care package to beth and sarah. i love that Gay mann surprised me this weekend by finishing my poster for me and vacuming my room...it was super thoughtful and kind. i love that today its 78 degrees......i think that is why i really love florida. i love that laughter brings satisfaction

2009-03-26T05:40:00.000-07:00

i really am not interested in politics, but it seems that everything is political. i try to listen to NPR in the mornings and sometimes in the afternoon. but sometimes i have to change it b/c it makes me sad and worried. but this morning as i was listening i almost broke down in tears. i have been listening and following what is going on in mexico with the drug related violence and it breaks my heart. they said that 6,000 people died this year in drug related deaths. it has shut down tourism, shut down cities, and caused an already trouble nation even more trouble.
and this morning i heard that mrs. clinton was visiting. and mrs. clinton exposed america. she actually admitted that we are the ones feeding the drug problem. we are the ones selling illegal firearms to mexico....she took responsibility for us. it was awesome. she talked about how in this global world we all rise and fall together.
i think it was the first time i heard america admit its part in something. so it gave me hope. maybe i am just naive and this only has political motivation, but maybe not.....maybe we really want to make decisions in our country not made in isolation. maybe we want to make mexico a better place to live, maybe we want to empower mexico so she can stand on her own two feet and people can be free not to live in fear. maybe.

it's funny. after living in community for the past five years i kinda see things different. I see how dangerous it is operating out of isolation, with the "I" being the most important factor in the decision. I think all of us move towards this tendency. I know america does. I know i do. I remember how hard it was to put the focus off of me and make a group decision (ask my fellow fleshies how not good i was at that!!) i had to learn how to slow down and consider others. i had to learn how to let people confront my selfishness in my heart. but i find here, its so so so so easy to hide. and even though living in community was one of the hardest things i have ever done i believe that its what God calls us too, b/c when we are community there is accountability. i believe that yes, we hurt each other in community through the intimacy of relationship but i also feel like community protects us, protects the world around us, protects the people with less power, protects us from ourselves. i miss it.
so my prayer for america, for the church is the same prayer i pray for myself....that i would move from isolation to community. to not make me the center, but others. Lord, help me.

i love beth and sarah. i love my $1 dollar sunglasses. i love the way NPR tells stories. I love the amazing spring florida is having. i love that when i do something right at work. i love being able to give and love in the same way that i have been loved. i love rob bell.

a prayer

2009-03-24T05:25:00.000-07:00

Holy Jesus, your forgiving love saves

and disturbs me.

Without it, I am lost,

Yet, if I receive it, I must practice it.

By your mercy, make me merciful;

By your forgiveness, help me to forgive

as I have been forgiven.

Amen.

(stole this from david chronic's update)

rip my face off.

i love when i have work at work. i love getting up early to exercise and then going back to bed. i love wearing bright happy colors. i love that i got to talk to beth and sarah on sunday night!!! i love that last night i made the most amazing stuffed tomatoes.....seriously...it was "getting a man" food. i love that i like the rhythm work brings me.

rip my face off

2009-03-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

Here is a link to find out how you compare to the rest of the world. If i worked at this temp Secretary job i would still be in the top 10.5% of the world!!!!!!!!!!! isn't that crazy????? crazy????? so go there, have your face ripped off.

http://www.globalrichlist.com/index.php

i love the salad i am eating...red peppers, yellow peppers, blue cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, grapes, almonds and raspberry vinaigrette dressing...yum. i love that i am going to omaha. i love that my friend steve falls asleep in the car in the driveway of his house. i love that i get to see my brother on the way to omaha!!!! i love the feeling of learning something new, even if it is just learning how to print an envelope.

What?????

2009-03-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

so its weird. just weird. i mean this country. its just soooooo different from india. i still try to put worlds together but i just can't. i mean when i turn on NPR or any of the new i listen to its all about those guys who got like 1 million dollar bonuses with government bailout money!!!!! 1 million dollars. isn't that insane??? i mean....a 1 million dollar bonus is more then i will ever make...ever!!! it would support sari bari and all the staff and ladies for year and years and years and year. and then you have my neighbors who lived outside my flat on the street in kolkata. or what about the 6 phone calls i have gotten from guys looking for work b/c they have been laid off. I just feel so bad for them. and then there are my new clothes...that even though 85% of which were bought at garage sales, all of which i love and maybe even covet make me feel a little guilty. and then there is the fact that i thought i had enough money and then all of the sudden i realized if i wasn't living with gay i wouldn't be able to afford rent. and the money that i do have in my account used to be lots and lots in India but here...not so much. and what about the absolute excess i see here and how i look in my heart and i really really love my "stuff". i love the excess. and i love being comfortable. and i am somewhat disgusted with myself and how easily i feel like i give in to all this stuff i see around me.
and sometimes i feel fearful. i listen to the news and hear how america is going to get worse and i get scared and panic and wonder how i am going to make it...how this country will make it....and how far away we are from being like india. i really hope far away.
and i think that to help my fears i need to give. i feel self protected and fearful. that isn't abundant life is it?? that isn't trusting is it? what do i do with the 10,000 girls in sonagachi now that i can't touch them, or talk with them, or be with them? how do i keep them close and remember them and let them mold me and how do i fight for them now when all i want to do is wear pretty clothes and stay away from poverty and all that it brings. i want to stay in my nice bubble for awhile and eat nice food and not get hurt any more.
but that isn't abundant life either. is it?
i am pretty numb right now. self protected.
maybe its okay for this season. maybe its going to be okay. maybe i will be okay and i can some how live in tension between the rich and poor. i don't know if i ever found that balance in India...maybe that is good and how its supposed to be. maybe its the minute i stop struggling that Satan wins, poverty wins, the sex trade wins, evil wins..........i don't know.
just know i miss my friends. and love my friends here. two worlds pulling me.

i love that i have gay who helped me make a budget. i love that kyle and michelle put me on speaker phone. i love that i cried while writing this and it feels good. i love that i most likely will get to go to omaha and be recommissioned back here. i love that God is getting bigger to me. i love that i get to play on-line boggle lots. i love that i get to talk to jessa whenever i want.

adventure vs. staying put

2009-03-13T06:11:00.000-07:00

so i have this battle that always rages in my heart....to stay or leave. i am at this point in my life where i don't have any commitments...no car payment, no mortgage, no kids....and i see the world before me....and i want to go and explore and see everything and be in extreme beauty and meet people from all different cultures and eat all different kinds of food and just see this world....even the states....and i get restless so easily. and this is part of what makes me, well me. but this restlessness is also what keeps me out of relationships and constantly moving. so as i look into my future (and look on the Internet) i just see all this opportunity to go!!!! but is that is what best for me now......is that is what is important to me. because every time i choose something i have to give something else. because when i am moving all the time i don't have my own space and my roots don't go deep. its easy to stay on the surface of things when i am always moving.
so this is my question do i stay or do i go???? do i go and work in colorado for 3 months in the mountains? do i look at jobs in france for the next couple months? do i move to jacksonville and settle down and get job and work 9 to 5 (the 9 to 5 makes me want to vomit!!!!) what do i do? how do i live my life in the midst of so much freedom when i know the poor exist? does that mean i should restrict my freedom? or does that mean i can be free for a little bit and have some adventure and then slow down? hmmmm.................

well here are some pics of on of the most cutest baby in the world (and a very cute dad!!! or a cute grandpa!!!)

cutest dad award!!! (mine!)

i love that i think i look more beautiful now then when i was younger. i love sommer and her sense of humor. i love that i promised when i moved home i would try to take advantage of what this country offers....free concerts in the park, lectures, parks, libraries.....stuff like this. i when i don't talk to my mom i have this mom ache in my heart and i have to talk with her. i love that i have a kolkata ache in my heart. i love that last night i talked to a man from india that spoke bengali and i almost started crying!!!!

dunder mifflin, this pam.....

2009-03-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

so i am a secretary for the next couple weeks...well next six weeks. its weird to sit in an office and dress kinda nice and be nice, but hey....its okay. its a job and i get to make some money and fill a need. i am working at my friend tom's roofing company. their secretary is out on maternity leave. she went into labor two weeks earlier so i started sooner then i thought but that is way okay for me. in fact, i said to God yesterday morning, "i am ready to work God. I really think that i am ready. It feels time" and then my phone range two hours later. i wish finding a husband was that easy!!!!

so here i am in an a/c office. weird. but my friend tom and the guys that work here are great really manly type of guys. for example, there is a 13 ft. stuffed gator that tom killed himself on a gator hunt. its pretty freaky but manly all the same. my counselor told me to hang around some good men. so, i really think he sent me here. all the men here are just good, salt of the earth type people. so that is good for me.

started watching this series called corpus christo. its a series where they get all these historians together and they study about Jesus. i was actually really afraid to watch it...isn't that a little silly. but i was nervous that it would give evidence that would make me think too much and challenge what i believe to much.....but then i thought that if one video can destroy my faith....what kind of faith is that. and i figure that God is bigger then a video and i am really really interested in what they were talking about....so i started to watch it. will let you know what i learn.

so this is kind of a dumb blog post.

sorry.

i love that this weekend had an amazing time with all saints youth girls and then i write about my job. i love the ocean. i love 80 degree weather. i love that i have plans to go to the beach two times in the next week. i love that this job literally fell in my lab. i love that tom has been one of my biggest fans since the time i knew him. i love that its going to be okay.

stuff i am thinking about

2009-03-04T19:29:00.000-08:00

1. in romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 it talks about how we are to get our meaning from the place in Christ's body. So i started thinking about how we find our identity from a community view point and not an individualistic view point. its ripping my face off. one thought for example....."we were created to belong, to fit, our difference are what make us fit into the body...not what make us left out.
2. i just got the most amazing red Asian cabinet at the rummage sale and its beautiful. i have been thinking about what i want my flat to look like....that might be months and months away but i am excited to have my own place and decorate it. i want it to be beautiful, quiet, clean, have lots of trees around it, and lots of color.
3. am thinking about Switzerland and how much i loved it there. i got to go skiing and snowshoeing one day....it was honestly some of the most beautiful scenery that i have ever seen. and i got to go see the symphony, eat lots of bread and cheese, homemade honey, and lots of wine.
4. i am wondering what life will look like here. i still feel like i am waiting to go back to kolkata.
5. i think about the people in kolkata, beth, sarah, kiran, upendra, gita, radha, lilly alistar, the hiltons, jo, the sari bari ladies and all the girls in sonagachi that i left behind. i thnk about my sisters beth and sarah and send them all my love and protection and dream of ways to take care of them and think about the next time i get to go back to india.
6. i am trying to believe that God is good in midst of all that i saw in India. people keep telling me that in the end it will all be alright.....but that doesn't make any difference for the 14 year old in hell right now......so i am working through my questions. i keep hearing God tell me to "wait". am reading Habakuk. still fighting that idea of waiting. i hate the thought that while we are waiting on God to make everything right....there are people who have to suffer and will never have their earthly suffering relieved. i dont' know quite yet how to put my idea of loving good God with poverty, rape, etc. etc.
7. i am thinking about the clothes i got at the rummage sale and loving the freedom of dressing in what i want.
8. i am thinking about food too much but i don't want to gain any more weight so i am constantly battling the will to eat or not eat in my head.
9. i think of sommer and how much fun we had......."boots with the fur" Y'all from virginia?
10. i am thinking how ange can make me laugh even over just chatting. she is such an amazing person. i am so thankful for all my friends. jessa cries with me and speaks truth to me. Gay is just filled with a lot of the same questions i am . laura always listens and challenges me and has amazing insight. she is also like an adminstrative genius which i love and am slightly jealous of.

i love my authentic wrangler red cowboy shirt i found todayat the rummage. i love that i will have this cute outfit on but the only closed toe shoes i own are my shiny asic tennis shoes....it kinda ruins a lot of the cuteness. i love that i wept for Kovita yesterday. i love that on Friday night i get to go to an 80's party and hang out with 60 teenage girls and talk to them about India, and worth and value and community and hope. i love that Gay and Bill have a schedule to help each other during the week.

Y'all from Virgina????

2009-03-03T06:27:00.000-08:00

I have been having an interesting couple weeks. I recently got to spend 4 days in Bristol, TN with my friend sommer who works at King College. I got to speak some at the college.
Sommer is so so so funny. She is one of my friends who is kinda quiet and reserved but once you get her out of her shell she is hilarious. like so many times we laughed really hard.
I told her that when i visited we would try to blend with the culture one night. we could buy racing t-shirts (Bristol is a world famous racing city with this huge stadium) and caps and go out for a beer.
well we didn't have racing t-shirts or hats but we did go out for a beer. (i had a blue moon with a orange slice....so much better then kingfisher!!!) we were sittin' at the bar when the three guys in the bar look over at us and say (you have to say this in the thickest TN accent)
"Ya'll from Virgina?"
me and sommer look eat each other and wonder why in the world this man would as us this. do we look un-bristol Tn like? do our florida accents sound like virgina??? what that the local pick-up line?
then the next question:
"Y'all electric bill go up?"
so that led to a whole conversation about where we were from. it was classic.
but while we were at the bar, there was all this stuff on ESPN on bristol, TN and the race track there. and i listened......
so my last day in Bristol sommer and i stopped by the racetrack and to our sheer delight....the gate is open. so we get to inside. we are so excited to be a part of the bristol, TN experience. and honestly....it was really really cool. the track looks so stinkin' small and i can't imagine going 200mph around it. i was impressed. we start taking pictures. there are these other two guys there and they offer to take our picture together with the motorway in the background....and we were like "Heck yeah you can take our picture at the speedway!!
we then start talking to these guys and both sommer and i throw out all we know about the bristol speedway and everything we know about racing....and folks.....WE TALKED NASCAR FOR 5 MINUTES!!! we were so excited by out incarnational experience that we ended up running to the car with gleee!!!!!!!!! we had accomplished our mission...we blended!!!

i love that TN really felt like a different world from Florida. i love that i am now in orlando in the same bed for possibly the next month. i love that i got the most amazing red shelves at the rummage sale. i love that i am getting to know Gay and bill better since i am living with them!!! i love that i got up at 5:30 to exercise with Gay and then went back to bed...one of my most favorite joys in life!!!

its olivia!!!!

2009-02-22T20:05:00.001-08:00

oh my gosh!!! isn't she soooo cute!!! oh my gosh!!!!! i love it!! she is sooooo cute....and she leeps getting cuter and cuter.

i love how cute olivia is. i am glad that zack is texting me. i love that slum dog millionaire won so many awards. i love that i should be going to bed but instead i am up watching the academy award. i love how warm it is this apartment

speaking life

2009-02-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

So i love when people speak life to me.
my friend jo wrote me this:

this makes me think of you... “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "Awww!” (Jack Kerouac)

i think sometimes i am that person. and sometimes i try to prove i am that person. i think that is the line for me. when i try to prove myself and get people to notice me and prove that i am beautiful and alive i am really dimming who i am. i need to put the need to prove my self to death.....that sounds fun!!!

when i was prayed for at the network meeting in august beth prayed " you are afraid that when you go home you won't be able to dream. that God won't give you anything to dream about. but God is saying. you have been asleep. he is going to wake you up"

so i feel like places in my soul are being woken up. place that have been dead to God. that have blamed God are being woken up and given life.

as mike so amazingly put it....eating from the tree of life not the tree of good and evil.

i love bejeweled twisted. i love natalie niger. i love the dinner scott and rebecca made last night. i love waking up in the morning all snugly under my covers. i love that the sheets i get to sleep on feel like the softest most amazing sheets ever.

kingdom of heaven

2009-02-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

so i have been searching for answers. i feel like i have all these puzzle pieces and am trying to fit all this together. i think i learned about a piece of the puzzle. i have all these questions about salvation, poverty, is Jesus the only way?, what do the 15,000,000 hindus who never hear about Jesus...what happens to them? what happened to the women who dies in my arms at the train station. i have questions. and i had a lunch with my dear brother yesterday....scott crawford.
and it became clear that at the core of questions i am asking, " am i right or wrong? are they right and i am wrong?" and i think i learned yesterday that is the wrong attitude. b/c in the kingdom of heaven there is only love, not right and wrong. right and wrong creates, jealousy and anger and causes bad fruit in my life. my job is not to prove that Jesus was right, but to love. Jesus can work out the heart stuff.
i realized that this feels like truth b/c something in me is able to take a deep breath and breathe......i know that in moments in kolkata....the unshakable kingdom broke through the darkness. for example, when i held that dying women in my arms......i don't know what happened to her when she died, but that wasn't my job...my job was to love her in that moment like our Father in heaven wanted to love her.
i need to give up my need to be right.....that is scarier then anything so far.......

i love scott and rebecca crawford. i love velvet elvis. i love that i miss eating bread and cheese. i love that i feel like something broke in me yesterday. i love that i realize.....hmmm....maybe my heart does need healing.

movement

2009-02-13T10:23:00.000-08:00

so i have been holding india at a distance. when i left there....i left. and i haven't let india in and all that it has meant to me in yet...until this week. i am in jacksonville staying with my amazing friends jen and craig. they live in this cute house surrounded by trees, near lots of parks, and jen got me a membership to her gym for two weeks. its good and safe.
i have been seeing counselors here that helps people transition back to the states. it has been good and deep....so deep. i am finding roots in my heart that go all the way back to my childhood. i have a clearer picture of my heart and my brokenness and why i am the way i am and what needs to be healed and places in my life that needs repentance. so it has been good.
i feel like my heart has been a wall for the past couple months and the wall is being taken down and am entering in again to all the hard stuff.
i am finding lots of things behind my walls.....that i really do have such a sweet intimacy with Jesus, that isn't so much dependant on what i have seen or heard but on the state of my heart. I am flushing out what it means to live in my femininity. i am seeing how the prophecy that was prayed over me 3 years ago is still so powerful and through this counseling experience i have practical things to match the spiritual words that were spoken over me.
and i miss beth and sarah and am learning how much i learned from them and how well they loved me and how they truly saw me....all of me....and loved me. i am so thankful for them and their friendship. i am so thankful that they fought to see my heart when i would hide it behind really thick walls.
i still don't know what i am going to do with my life. still don't have a job. still don't know where i want to live......but that is okay right now. its a season to rest...and even though that is scary it is good and right and needed.

i love panera's. i love grapes. i really really love diet cherry soda. i love people who engage my heart. i love that shannon had her baby. i love that i really want to hold a baby. i love that i get to see one of my longest time friends aileen tomorrow and celebrate valentines day with her and her kids!!! i love that beth, sarah and i started a tradition on valentines day where we just tell each other why we love each other.

Safety in each other

2009-02-12T18:55:00.000-08:00

i found this tonight. i wrote it sometime this summer when i was taking a lady from SB to the doctors. she is one of the most fragile, beautiful, most damaged but life giving women i know. she has this beautiful laugh and kindness and even a silliness about her that we got to see the longer we knew her. she is one of my heroes.

Safety in Each Other
We walk down these crazy streets surrounded by people busily streaming by us. Cars honking trying to make a way for themselves. Men going home to their families. People living on the side of the road with poverty as their closest friend. City buses brimming over with anxious and sweaty people.
And in the midst of all this, you have your hand notched in my arm. Your hand feels light and fragile as you walk beside me and lead me through the traffic jams. We laugh together as we walk, just happy to be with one another. Happy that our paths have crossed in the midst of all this chaos.
As we walk down the street I think of the disease that has infested your body and will slowly tear you down. I think about how your suffering has lead us together. You walk besides me carrying with you the secrets of your suffering that only Jesus will every fully understand. And I feel how you have your hand notched in my arm.
And I find safety in that feeling. It makes me feel like darkness has not won. The disease has not won. Despair has not won. Oppression has not won. Because as we walk down the street together with your hand notched in my arm we are safe. We find safety in the presence of each other.

i love telling people about SB. i love red rooms. i love my blue sweater that beth bought me. i love that i have a gym membership for free for two weeks. i love when people pray and they know my heart without knowing me. i love that i am learning how to rest.

Home

2009-01-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

Well....i am back in the US. it has been an exciting couple months after i left india. I have had my wallet stolen, been to a tropical paradise. said by to my kolkata girls, been in a car accident, and been to lots of countries....and i am home. i got to spend a week with my brother and then a week with my family in amarillo,tx where we celebrated christmas a little early. then it was back to clearwater (finally!!!) and had spent christmas day with my family here. will write about being home soon. i will just say for now its good to be home!! my aunt mary taught me how to make my grandma's homemade chocolate pie with homemade pie crust. it was cool.

my aunt mary giving my grandpa a hair cut.

my counsins and i.

me and my mom and christmas eve.

and look...........its olivia!!!!!!!!! isn't she so amazing!! its so cool!!!

i love my mom so much. i love talking with renaud on skype. i love 70 degree winters. i love the warm sunon my skin at the beach. i love crossing things off my to-do list. i love that the gators won the national championship.

a car accident

2008-11-02T20:36:00.001-08:00

rajastan

2008-09-27T23:20:00.000-07:00

i just had one of the most amazing weeks of my life with the type of experiences i will get to tell my grand kids...and i got to spend it with my amazing adventurous friend, Kara who i have been friends with for 6 years.
we went on a camel trek, rode scooters around the desert, and ate dinners on the rooftops of restaurants in an old ancient fort. we had such cool adventures....on the camel trek you sleep out under the stars. and folks...i could see the milky way and i saw 5 shooting stars. it was one the most precious times on the trip.
then we rented scooters and drove out to the sand dunes in the town. it was so fun. you should of seen us when we first started to learn...we made the man from the rental store so nervous!! but by the end we were like our own biker gang...or scooter gang. at this one point around sunset i was riding on the open road in the desert when a fighter plane flew over head (there is an air force base there as well) and for about 1 minute i felt like i was on top gun!!!
so now i am in thailand with a good friend. beth and sarah come next week.
i love rainy afternoons. i love thailand. i love new adventures. i love that kara was so patient with me when i lost my temper so much in india!! i love that i beat kara at the skip-bo tournament. i came back from a 0-6 deficit to win....11-9!!!! i love that kara is competitive and we feed each other's competitive side. i love kara's kindness and sensitive heart towards God.

i am in delhi.

2008-09-19T00:40:00.000-07:00

so yesterday was my last day in kolkata...except for the 18 hour i have to spend on my way back through....and it was soooooo sad. i didn't expect it to be but i was so sad. i cried on and off all day long. i got to talk with the sb ladies on the phone, have coffee with sarah, spend some time with beth, and say bye to some freeset folks. and it was sad.
and now i am in delhi after a 19 hour train ride which was quite pleasant. actually the last 24 hours in kolkata and here have been amazing. so redemptive. the gas company had amazing customer service, a man on the bus gave his seat for me, and on the way here i was seated with me and 7 other indian men and it was so pleasant so GO India!!!!
and i am traveling now. i meet kara tomorrow and we leave for rajastan and a camel trek, then i am off to thailand to see a friend and then beth and sarah are coming for our last week together. then new zeland, south india with tammy, dylan and molly, then london and maybe paris...then my brother in dallas...then home. in december!!!

i love that i am really hungry right now so will fnd a new good restraunt to eat at. i love exploring somewhere new. i love that i made my dad smile. i love i get to see oivlia in a cuople months.

For my dad's 60th birthday!!!!

2008-09-16T21:35:00.001-07:00

Top 60 reasons I love my dad.
1. I remember how when I made it to state finals he came to watch the meet in Orlando Florida.
2. He came to all my softball games and always cheered the loudest.
3. He sponsored my soccer team one year and we were the “Perfusionist Association of Pinellas County”
4. My dad is amazing at crosswords
5. My dad is amazing at scrabble.
6. My dad can fry a turkey like no body’s business
7. My dad can grill a steak like nobody’s business
8. My dad can make me laugh.
9. My dad cries more then me and has such a sensitive heart.
10. For my first two years living in India we couldn’t say goodbye without crying.
11. I am his only daughter and his princess.
12. We go out to breakfast together.
13. He loves mayonnaise, pickles, and tuna for breakfast.
14. He will eat over 6 girl scout cookies for dessert.
15. He can dance.
16. When I was little he used to sit and listen to classical music and direct the symphony.
17. Through watching my dad do this I love beautiful music.
18. My dad is fascinated with how the human body works especially the heart.
19. My dad took me and my brother and ann to the human body exhibit when it came through town.
20. He let me use his time share twice, once when I was in Orlando with all my friends and once in sanibell island with all my friends.
21. He nicknames my boyfriends (or guys I like)
22. He is always proud of me.
23. He is really really good at his job.
24. He has a quick temper and still gets made at every red light he has to stop at.
25. He loves his dogs. He always takes them outside to do their business and even though he complains he loves them.
26. He always picks weeds in whatever yard he is in.
27. He has skinny legs and a “cute grandpa like belly”.
28. He is now a grandpa…not to my kids yet but a grandpa to a sweet amazing little girl named olivia!!!
29. He loves spoiling ann.
30. I have a respect for the game of golf from my dad.
31. I love when my dad went with me to go hit baseballs.
32. I love going to the movies with my dad and getting popcorn with extra, extra extra butter and splitting a large cherry coke.
33. I love that I inherited my dad’s skinny legs that happen to look amazing on my body!!!
34. My dad and I love, love, love fried foods. We could both go into a restaurant and order all the fried appetizers and be happy.
35. I love my brother and dad’s relationship
36. I love that J.C. respects my dad and sees him as a father figure.
37. I love that my dad will most likely cry at my wedding…not just once but multiple times.
38. I love that my dad makes a ‘swig” noise after a sip of coke.
39. I love that even though he knows its bad for his health he can’t stop drinking the coke!!!!
40. I love that my dad has had glasses most of his life.
41. I love that my dad has been so dedicated to his job that his hands are aching from working so hard.
42. I love that my dad has to have things his way when he loads the dishwasher so I am not really allowed to help.
43. I love that my dad framed my picture when it go into a magazine.
44. I love that I will always be a daddy’s girls.
45. I love that when I hear the world “malt” I automatically remember my childhood and smile and think of my dad making big thick amazing malts out of our orange tall plastic glasses.
46. My dad bought me a red Honda prelude when I was a teenage. It was an amazing first car.
47. I love that my dad got the Florida pre-paid college plan so I didn’t have to worry about how to pay for college or go into debt.
48. My dad doesn’t like the beach so I have memories of him sitting under newspaper and being rather grumpy one day at the beach.
49. I love that my dad wants to retire in TN and will have a room for the grandchildren.
50. My dad keeps his car impeccably clean.
51. My dad was really brave when he had his and ann’s two dogs put to sleep…Kaiser and shatzi.
52. I love the way my dad tells a story and has me either laughing or crying with all the emotion he puts into the story.
53. I love that my dad has always wanted to be the conductor of a train…even if its only at Disney world.
54. I love the way my dad loves lighthouses.
55. I love that really what my dad has wanted all along is for me to be happy.
56. I love my dad loves to read .
57. I love that my dad is an amazing, amazing speller and is really really smart.
58. I love that I have a dad that no matter what I do know that he will be there for me.
59. I love that when I first went to India my dad was really scared but now he is so supportive and encouraging.
60. I love that I don’t even have to stop at sixty reasons why my dad is awesome!!!!! I could go on and on. I love that I have a dad who loves me and his whole life has done his best to make sure that I know I am loved. I love that I have a glimpse of God’s love through my father here on earth. I love that in a couple months I get to be home again and see my dad…its been too long. I love that I am loved by my dad and I love him so very very much.

sorry....been busy

2008-09-08T10:01:00.001-07:00

so yeah...this is another picture of olivia!!! isn't she soooo amazing!!! Drew...we will have to work on leading her to the truth of the beauty of orange and blue!!! there's time to work with her though....i will be the cool aunt!!!
life has been sad and beautiful and full and so surreal.
Beth and sarah organized a party for me this past saturday and it was one of the most amazing days of my life. around 100 people came....all the sari bari ladies came, all my forgein friends, my freeset friends, and even around 15 ladies from the gatch!!!! when the girls from the gatch walked in i almost started weeping with joy. it was soooo amazing and beautiful. it was a glimpse of heaven. they made a video for my time here and we played a game and danced. it was so amazing. i will try to post some pictures later.
so tomorrow is my last day at Sari Bari. pretty much tomorrow am going to have my heart ripped out!!! then wednesday we have my last day at the gatch and that night we are going to hand out flowers again.
so time is moving really fast in some ways and sometimes it feels like its all in slow motion. looking forward to the future but am having a hard time letting now go. still have so many dreams here.
i love beth waterman. i love candlelight. i love when someone surprises me. i love that a new chapter is starting. i love reading a book that inspires and changes me. i love that india had made me a size six!!!!

richness

2008-08-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

so....life is so so so rich right now. so sad but so beautiful and filled. am starting to feel the restlessness of waiting for a change to come along with the deep deep sadness about leaving this place.

i have been savoring the little moment. yesterday a lady who isn't usually that affectionate sat down next to me at tea time and put her arm around me and just sat. It was so sweet. and the ladies always tease me about this guy at the hospital who they want me to marry. They keep telling me its my "last chance" to marry him. They keep wanting to take me to the hospital so they can have a chat with him...then if i marry him I will stay.

I know that a day is coming soon when i will have my last day at sari bari. i will close sari bari and walk away and won't be coming back for a long time and i am not looking forward to that day.

so until then i am here, trying to finish strong, pack, decide what to leave what to take, prepare to go home, prepare for new things, trying to spend as much time with beth and sarah as possible and laugh alot.

and i am sorry but i had to post another picture of Olivia....she has a SB baby blanket!!!!! she is just so beautiful.

i love being surprised, i love letting go of control and enjoying how that feels. i love that I can make gita laugh. i love having my teeth freshly brushed...all the time. i love my carribean workout pilates video.

more of olivia

2008-08-21T20:18:00.001-07:00

Oh my gosh!!! isn't she soooo cool!!! she's sooo cute. i can't wait to see her.
I love that Olivia is part of our family now. i love that i will be home and get to know her. I love that Ann is in heaven because she has a granddaughter (she had all sons). I love that beth gave me a purse so i don't have too buy a new one a month before i leave. i love that i got to talk to my friend david who always makes me laugh.

i am an aunt!!!!!

2008-08-20T19:24:00.001-07:00

This is Drew olivia's dad and ,my step-brother) and his mom Ann.....He looks soooo proud and Ann looks in love.
This is my sweet, soft-hearted dad. I can already tell who will have the power in this relationship!!

Yippppeeeee!!!!! my sister-in-law just had her baby!!! its a little girl named Olivia. i wish i was

there to greet her into this world, but it looks like she is getting enough love. My step-mom said that Olivia already has my dad wrapped around her little finger. My dad is a grandpa!!! He is going to make an amazing grandpa. Ann and my dad will actually make such beautiful, loving, and giving grandparents. I can't wait to see them in action And i get to be an aunt. I get to play and know and love Olivia. wahooo!!! i am so excited for drew and becca. Gotta run. am feeling a little teary eyed.

i love babies. i love being an aunt....I can take the kids, have fun but when i don't know what to do with them anymore i can give them back!!! i love that i will get to babysit soon for Olivia. i love how kids makes a lot of things more fun....ex. bush gardens and disney world....went there with my mom and brother about three years ago...and we were like "i think we remember this as being more fun when we were under the age of 10." i love that beth shared her coffee with me this morning.

a taxi adventure

2008-08-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

so sarah and i were coming back from our usual monday meeting. it was around 8:30 and we were in a taxi. We turned the corner on a street near out house. In front of us we saw a car screech off and the police man that was trying to stop him fall on the ground.
the police man pops up and gets on his walkie talkie!!! and then runs to our taxi, jumps in our taxi and gives the taxi man a signal and the taxi man goes off after the car that escaped. Sarah and i are in the back seat kinda looking at each other "is this really happening??" We were going top speed chasing after this guy but eventually we lost him. (mind you top speed was about 5 mph because it was bumper to bumper traffic and we actually only tried to chase him for about a block) Then the police man got down, defeated. So that is my involvement in a high speed chase in kolkata. it was intense.....kinda.

i love the monsoon mix court sent me years ago. i love that denise sent us a huge package that had gum in it. i love my ipod. i love being surprised. i love that the sb ladies laugh at me. i love that sometimes my pride flares up at stupid things and i am starting to be able to laugh at myself.

america through another person's eyes

2008-08-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

so i have not been writing on my blog at all!!! i have been a tad distracted here in good ways.
yesterday i had lunch with my pastor and his family. i have been going to their church for the past 4 years and i admire them so much. they are an exceptional family.
I was talking with the mom shrilata because two years ago she was able to go to america. the circumstances she had to go over there were horrible. her daughter was visiting america and got deathly ill, but she is able to talk about it now. and laugh. she has some hilarious stories and it was so interesting to hear about america through her eyes.
first, no one helped her. most of the time she had to beg people to help her. she couldn't get someone to help her down the escalator at the airport (she had never flown or gone on the escalator before). eventually she just grabbed this huge muscular man, pretended she didn't know english....he held her by the shirt cuff and sulked the whole way down the escalator.
shirlata didn't know how to work a copy machine at the grocery.
she didn't know how to go grocery shopping at publix because indian doesn't have grocery stores.
she would pretend that she didn't know english so people would help her. it was kinda sad to hear how our country treated her. not so well.
and then she said something....she asked me why we had separate black and white churches? she assumed that is was the why everyone with different skin color went to separate churches because that was a rule in the church. isn't that so sad and convicting??? i mean the separation based on skin color is still so prominent in our culture especially in our church. it makes me sad and wonder what i need to change in myself to see change happen in the church. our segregated sunday services are sending a message that i don't want to send to the world.....i feel like she saw our brokenness.
I love that denise sent us a package that had american gum in it!!! i love that i found the printing paper i had been looking for the past week. i love that i getting fun text messages. i love french. i love that tonight sarah and i get to go out!!!

i've been memed

2008-07-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

i got memed and have been avoiding it because i don't know who to give links to my friends blogs so you might not get a link to the people that i tag but will try.
Here are the rules:1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. i have a little retarded toe. i know that's politically incorrect but i am sorry for that. that is what i have always called my little toe on my right foot. i had an infection when i was a kid and its like this shriveled stub. cute but still a stub.

2. since living in india picking my nose in public...not so much a problem for me anymore.

3. i really want to be great at something. i have always dreamed of becoming a great artist, or great Broadway actress who could move people's souls with the beauty of my voice or an athlete that would break all the records and be a role model for kids. i have tried and done so many different things in my life i am just not great at any of them (especially singing).

4. while traveling in spain with my friend kirsten on our train to madras we met all these other young people from all over the world. they were going to run with the bulls. we were going to madras. we had to get down at a train station to switch trains. they begged us to come, but we didn't have reservations and we heard that you might have to sleep on the street or in a hotel floor.....so i think from fear of the unknown, we got on our train to madras. i still wonder what would of happened if we would of gotten on that train.

5. in 7th grade i was the 2nd fastest typer in my typing class and won a big candy bar.

6. i really love blowing bubbles. when i was younger we used to use coat hangers, those furry wire things (what are they called) and tried to make the biggest bubble possible. i love that they are so pretty and reflect color and there is such a science behind it all .

7. i really love the 4th of July. i love watching fireworks and eating hot dogs and being outside on hot sticky days. two of my favorites have been last summer when my mom and i went to watch fireworks together, drank a beer and ate a hotdog. and for two summers 5 and 6 years ago i was working with a youth group that was down town orlando. we would park cars at our church to earn money and then walk and go watch fireworks. and we always had so much fun!!!!!!

so most of the people i know who read my blog have been tagged but a few of you have left comments so i am memeing you: MIke Rhea, sarah lance, Amanda Knihal, Laura (from beth's servant team) Laura Messina
i love reading peoples memes. i love sitting in my room listening to my favorite music. i love that ange and jesse always know the coolest and hippest music around. i love that i still have cheese from nepal left and love it!!! i love that tomorrow i get to eat pizza. i love that i stay a size 8 in india with out really trying. i love that right now there is this amazing breeze coming through my window.

the start of sadness

2008-07-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

its starting...and i hate it. my eyes suddenly getting all teary, my heart hurting, when i think of leaving. today at SB i was out helping a lady so didn't get back until after lunch. so i had to take my nap with all the lights on and all the ladies busily chatting (we take naps here...its awesome!!!) and as i was laying down i got to listen to the ladies chatter away and laugh. its these sounds that i want to ingrain in my soul so i can pull it out whenever i miss my friends. and i got to lay and stare at our wall of beauty...it a picture of all our staff and ladies. all the pictures the ladies are smiling and look so so beautiful. and of course this makes me get all teary.
and then i think about leaving Gita....my little sister.
and then sarah and beth...and well i can't even go there yet.
am trying to celebrate along the way. friday sarah moves out to her own place. and friday night beth gets back form bangladesh. so friday we are going to have one last slumber/dance party to end our time living together with a bang!!!!! again, the joy mixed with all the sadness that will bring.
but despite all this sadness it also bring with it such a deep appreciation of my life here. the food, the people, the weather,...just life in India. so its good, sad and beautiful all at the same time.
i love seeing this lady at SB R who when she first came wouldn't speak but today was telling a story and had all the ladies in stitches. i love my pilate workout video that i bought with my mom from walmart for $3 from one of those bargain bins. i love that showers here are just amazing because i am so dirty and sweaty. i love that i get to go eat sarah's cooking.

my right to an eggroll

2008-07-24T03:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes poverty smacks me in the face and i realize the depths i go to protect myself and harden my heart. today i was out in the city doing various errands, getting my hair cut, sending some stuff in the mail etc. enjoying having some freedom to get what i need done today. and i get hungry. and i don't want to spend a lot of money because i want to try to save some and i had a great dinner the night before. so i wanted an eggroll.
i know of a great place on park street with the best eggrolls around. as i turned on park st. two people beg from me. i don't give anything. . i am hungry. i want an eggroll. i go to the eggroll stand. immediatly one young girl starts pulling on my arm asking for an eggroll. i am annoyed. but i decide that i am going to buy her an eggroll. then two more girls come. i still hold my ground and just buy one eggroll and tell them to share it.
so i am waiting for my eggroll to get done. and this little little so cute kid covered in dirt comes over the stand. he is sooo cute and has this life giving smile.
he laughs at me. i get my egg roll and feed him about 1/6th of it then walk away while i eat the rest and the little girls split the eggroll.
and i then get convicted. i realize how somehow i think its my right to have an eggroll without being disturbed. and realize how annoyed i was that my bubble was broken and my safe little world was invaded by need.....by poverty, by hunger and desperation. i kept repeating "i have no rights" in my head the rest of the day. "love your neighbor as yourself".
i felt poverty front me today. make me ask questions again and rip my face off to reveal my greed and power. its the interruptions here in kolkata that i try to avoid and i think that i will wish for when i move back to america. poverty asked me today.....what will you do for me while you sit and eat your egg roll and go to beauty parlors and a/c book stores? poverty asked me, what is important to you?
pverty in the form of the child with the hair that is red from malnutrition but yet his smile melts people asked me today " will you enter in? will you stop pretending that i don't exist? will you stop walking so fast to get to your "important places" and be with me? will you choose to be generous with all the power and provision that you have been given?"
so now i am just sitting in these questions. sometimes i do pull away here. afraid that if i did let my heart break for each person i saw i wouldn't never be able to stop crying. or maybe if i let my heart feel and stop trying to be so protected i would discover more love and compassion and joy and hope then i think possible.
hope.
i love how sarah comes alive when she gets to design a system to make things better. i love that Gay and Bill have been praying for me everyday since i told them about me leaving for america. isn't that amazing??? i love that i ran into a the sweetest irish girl in the store today who was here for three weeks and had her life changed. i love that i love every blanket and bag at SB right now and want to take them all home with me. i love how what God did at SB inspires people. i love even in the midst of all the questions i find grace.

the first round of good-byes

2008-07-20T07:21:00.000-07:00

so my first round of good-byes came. i went to nepal this weekend. it was amazing. i feel like in addition to saying good-bye to all the amazing peeps there. i was saying good-bye to a time and a place in my life. i have been going to Kathmandu regularly for the past 6 years!!! i have so many memories wrapped in that place. egg night, sitting on rooftops, watching kara have her heart broken for bipen, yummy chocolate cake, safety, a trek with my mom, aunt and beth, and beauty. i took most all my servant teams there and went there on my own servant team. i read in a book once that when you leave a place you miss the person you are in that place. so i guess i will miss who i am in nepal and who i get to be with there.
but i did have some great meals and talks and i seriously know the most amazing people on earth. some of them are just starting their journey in nepal and i get giddy when i think about how God will form them and use them in nepal. then there are the ones who have been there for a couple years and have this amazing wisdom and insight and have story after story about God's faithfulness. then there are my friends who have been there for 10 years and are now moving on to something new and different and having to say good-bye after loving so well in Nepal. so my time was full to the brim with good things.
i forgot my camera so don't have any pictures so i will try to get some from my friends.
i love that calvin's language blunder made me laugh and still makes me laugh. I love that Bucks and Bangs will get to travel together soon. i love sitting a round a kitchen, cooking good food, with a glass of red wine, and talking and laughing with easy friendships. i love that silas and kim's daughter is so hilariously and sweetly clumsy. i love the CD i got from silas. i love that everyone has hilarious stories from their awkward teenage years. i love that brook and kara's apartment felt so cosy and safe and welcoming. i love that kara is one of my most favorite people in the world. i love that i got to come home to sarah who knows me so well. i love that i am tired and get to sleep in my own bed.

so maybe to slow

2008-07-14T05:52:00.000-07:00

i realize how long it has been since i blogged. but i think that is a good thing because my life has just been full of good, deep rich things. am still learning so much about taking it slow. some harder then others but its good.
here are some random stuff:
1. this weekend i watched four movies!!! yep four. Hancock in theaters, Wanted, Gone Baby Gone and Spider man 2. My least favorite was probably Wanted but like all the other three for different reasons.

2. Read the book "the shack" and had my face ripped off. was reading through tears that were both moved from the story as well as God moving in my heart.

3. got to go visit A and B at the boys home this past weekend. They are still soooo cute and are doing really well. They mom still hasn't come to visit them so they are really sad about that.

4. facebook has been freakin me out a little bit this past week. so many people from out of no where, from all parts of my past are showing up!!! its like seeing ghost sometimes.

5. am going to nepal this sunday to say good-bye to the staff there. it will be my first good-bye.

6. have my last days scheduled out. last day at SB, last day at the gatch. really weird and sad but feeling peaceful about it.
7. am having God move in deep places in my heart and its not as painful this time. just loving. moving me to a deeper place of trust.
8. we have a new swiss-french friend who said i could come and live on his family's friends farm and make cheese for a summer. but its in the swiss-italian part of Switzerland and would have to learn italian. definitely going to put that on the radar but think that i will be awhile before i ready for that. and that he taught us how to make crepes!!!
9. have a new friend named Jo who keeps me in stitches.
10. am trying to eat fried eggplant, fried potato things and this special mix off the streets whenever possible even though is so bad and fatty for me. i know that my time here is dwindling and alu chap and beguni baja are not available in america.

okay....i love my word treasure book. i love listening to the rain. i love watching someone doing something they are passionate about. i love that i have to think about going home.

taking it slow

2008-06-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

back pain. it sucks. but i am hopeful that mine can get better. saw some good doctors in Thailand. got some shots and meds. and one of our good friends here is a PT. so i do have a plan. and it won't be that physically demanding....more emotionally and spiritually demanding. because folks, for the next three months i have to slow down.
i can't carry anything heavy. i need to sit in chairs and not on the floor. i can't do my exercise programs and had to quit dance. i have to go up and down the stairs slow. i have to stop squatting and doing work for awhile (this is all my work at SB and also cleaning our house). i have to do stretches and pilates for the next three months....slowly.
if you know me. i don't do things slow. i like fast changing challenging things...and i have to take it slow. i have to slow down and ask for help. beth and sarah already said that they will take over my sweeping and swabbing duties (for some reason this moved me to tears) and i have to stay no to things. i have to re-build my back muscles so that they can be strong again. The doctor said that i had some kind of damage in my back (most likely my car accident when i was 17) and that my muscles have fused. i got shots in my back that have helped release the muscle. so my back is loose and vulnerable right now........
so maybe through all this i am really learning about the state of my heart, about how scary it is to slow down, about how to be made strong sometimes we have to be broken. about how sometimes taking it slow protects me and make the future better. so i am trying to be positive about all this and be thankful that i even have the means to go through all this.

i love that the SB ladies were so worried about me when i was gone. i love that i finished shantaram this morning. i love that my mom and i always think and call each other about the same time. i love that today we get to take our friend's daughter to our friends' business and possible teach a nepali girl sewing. i love that we are the kolkata girls and everyone love and knows us as that here but yet love each of us for what we bring.

home

2008-06-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah!!! i am home and happy!!! i missed here so much. not necessarily the city but sarah and beth and the sari bari ladies and head bobbles and gita and upendra and kiran and being known and knowing people. i am home.
and going away was a glimpse i think of life with out kolkata.... life with my dear friends beth and sarah and it was in all honesty.... lonely. i know that i am supposed to be super positive because i was on the beach and it was perfect and beautiful. but really i was in some rather uncomfortable pain and was kinda shaken from my week at the hospital and just wanted to be where i am known and loved and someone could take care of me, not alone on a beach.
so, i am happy to be back. it was good for my soul to be lonely for a while and cry out to God a little bit and it made me realize how amazing the people are here and how i have to continue to dive in and celebrate as well as be sad over leaving them.
and i had some realizations while i was in thailand....not anything especially spiritual...just how bengali i have become. i couldn't control bobbing my head!!! a thai person would ask me something and i would say "yes" in bengali and then head bobble! i confused this poor man twice because he couldn't figure out if i was saying yes or no. and i even head bobbled with my american friends...i wonder how long that will take to go away.
and two days ago we had a new arrival on staff....We have a man folks!!! Kyle Scott started his three year contract on wednesday!! its crazy to invite another person into the Kolkata girls. HE is awesome and so far is handling life with three girls quite well. he will study bengali in bangladesh for three months and then return. he is an amazing muscian, has a hard to eradicate poor through business, and is laid-back (and important quality considering he is on staff with me). so, it awesome to get a new family member.
i love the hummus that sarah made with her new blender. i love when people truly open their home and heart to you. i love that i got to watch some wimbledon on TV today.. i love that when i move to america i will be able to watch and follow more than just tennis. i love being known

the beach

2008-06-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

i am h ere at the beach for a couple days of rest and reflection. it is sooooo beautiful. i mean sooo beautiful. i forgot how beautiful it was. its monsoon here but they say for some reason this island is somewhat immune to it so the weather today was....perfect. perfect.
and this sounds funny....but if you read this can you pray for my gums. i had a gum graft surgery. they took some gum from the roof of my mouth and put in on my front tooth with a receded gum. pray that the new gum would take. if it doesn't i did all this for nothing!!! go to the doctors on wednesday to get out the stitches and get the report.
anywhoo....am off to go watch a fire show.
i love sunsets and ocean breezes. i love the book shantaram that i am reading....it could possibly be in my top 5 book i have ever read. i love tim and amy's laidbackness. i love that ella gave me multiple hugs. i love meeting new people.

surprises

2008-06-19T02:51:00.000-07:00

i didn't know before i came but Chris and Phileena are here along with Amanda and Chad and Amy and Leah (who will be our interns for a month or so). so i have got to tag along with them. yesterday we watched the NBA finals in a irish bar in bangkok, thailand, at 9:00am with a breakfast beer and coffee. it was really really surreal.
i had my gum surgery last night. not so much fun and am a bit sore today. am really really really tired of going to the doctors. have reached my limit. luckily i only have to go see the back doctor one more time on saturday morning....then i free till wednesday when i get my stitches out. so i want to get the frik out of a city.
i really want to go see the ocean. at one point i was going to travel somewhere like Lous or cambodia but i have to stay close to the hospital in case the bandages come off....so its most likely off to ko sa met again.
i find that traveling by myself is great mostly. i find that the loneliest time is at night. my hotel room is kinda musty and don't really know what to do with myself after dinner...but that is good for me.
am loving no horns and thai ice tea.
i love beth and sarah. i love that i found a gourmet grocery store today with cheese from all over the world. i love that thai are so much more gentler by nature then bengalis. i love that i have only gotten annoyed once in a week. i love that there are people here in thailand working to end prostitution.

bangkok

2008-06-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

i got here today...bangkok and am already having so much fun (and just as i was tyyping that the desk gave away and my entire key board just crashed to the ground and i was laughed at!) i met the coolest people in the plane...courtney from boston who is working in kolkata with unicef and jeff from hawaii who is studying indian philosphy. the world is just full of amazing people. i got to eat pizze and spaghetti.
tomorrow i begin my doctors appointments. i have my complete physicall and my back doctor appointment.
i am wearing a tank top with my skirt and am feeling quite nicely pretty having some skin showing.....and its just a tank top folks!!!! but it is nice to have a little more freedom for a couple days in regards to what i wear.
so that is all. am happy to be out of the city and in a different city.....bangkok is really cool.
i love meeting cool people. i love hearing people's story. i love that my hotel room is freezing and will most likely need to ask for more blankets. i love that realize that i have lots of things locked in my heart that are yet to be unlocked.

disapointment

2008-06-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

i know that i should get disappointed about things that matter but i just can't help it. i get so excited about things and if they don't happen i get disappointed. like today.....i have been planning on going to see the Hulk for the past week and 1/2. i got a group together of about 15 of us, we were all going to wear green and be loud and have fun and watch a superhero movie (i love superheroes) and......it didn't come to theaters this weekend. all the signs said june 13th! but alas...it didn't come. so i am sad. the movie "the happening" by midnight shalaman (director of signs, the village etc.) is showing instead. and half of the group doesn't' want to see it. so that is sad. and i will pout a little bit, then realize how in the scheme of life.....its going to be okay. i mean.....really....its just a movie right???? see...i am feeling better already.

i am off to bangkok on sunday for some fun medical stuff...gum surgery, mole checks, and to see a back doctor. should be interesting.
i miss beth and sarah.
i love seeing action movies in india. i love that gita makes me laugh. i love that the weather right now is so much like a florida summer. i love that hope springs eternal. i love when God uses us in the right and most perfect way that only he could of planned. i love aaron strumple CD. I love the anticipation of the "next thing". i love my passion

stories

2008-06-08T20:15:00.000-07:00

I meet the most amazing people here. here are some of their stories:
Mitsy: she is working for an NGO here that works with women. She is Chinese-American decent . she is 3rd generation. He grandmother lived here until she was 13 but it was during the depression so she had to be sent home to live in China. but in china they arranged her a marriage with a man who lived in america. the man couldn't come to china to get married so a rooster had to stand in his place in the ceremony. then the grandmother moved back to america, got married there ( in a small town in MIssissippi!!) , and had all her kids by the time she was 20.

MIcky; this amazing irish guy who works station and with kids in the slum. He is funny kind and all the sisters at the mission of charity love, love love him. He is very very irish and every other work is the f-bomb. which is funny because he makes is so not offensive. for example, yesterday he was saying to beth "ya just gotta f^*&# pray. if ya don't f^(&%$ pray nothing will f*(&$ happen. " or "its in the f&^%$ bible". he is an irish boxer, was raised in an Irish Gypsy clan, the movie snatch is based on his life, and he is a stand up comedian. he is great.

Baby: she was trafficked when she just got her period and before she was fully developed. she was trafficked by two brothers who lived with her in the village. they sold her. after sometime she managed to escape from the brothel. when she came back to her village the brothers had told all the village people that she choose the "bad work". so her family was forced to ostracize her. they wouldn't let her back into the village. so she returned to the sex trade. she now has one grown son who is married and takes care of her and she works as SB and is becoming the ladies hero.

this is just a glimpse of the crazy amazing people i know.
i love mango season. i love that sarah gets back tomorrow. i love that these is a breeze and that means rain and that is good because my fan hasn't worked for the past two days. i love that i miss my mom. i love that my friend trever is finding hope in a really sad circumstance. i love that i miss kyle and michelle.

a full course meal

2008-06-05T02:38:00.000-07:00

i recently had a revelation about kolkata. My life here is soooo rich and full. i mean so full of joy and suffering and horns and people and pockets of beauty and color and life. Its like having a full course meal for every meal all the time. Its like sitting down and being served soup, steak, salad, baked potato, rolls, bloomin onion, wine, a huge slice of cheesecake and a nice coffee for every meal...alll the time...which is great and awesome except sometimes you just want to eat a salad. and living in the city sometimes its not possible just to eat a salad.

God has just been showing me so much about space lately. about how i long for space and grace from other people but i am so quick not to give it. He is teaching me how to give grace to myself and therefore others. and to give up control!!!! He is teaching me that He likes me. that we are all messed up but we have this common need for grace. I have been re-reading my journals again and have found common themes in all of them.....self-condemnation, a longing for intimacy with God, and lack of patience. i have been crying out to God for years and years about these issues. I don't know if i have changed or not but i think the biggest difference i feel happening is that I am learning not to define myself not by my sin but by my strengths, by who God made me to be. I am his daughter....a sinner yes....but a daughter who is taken care of loved. this is all so much deeper than i am going to write on this blog...but is good. i also feel hopeful. our community has been through so much together but i have learned soooo much. i have hope for other people because of the hope that has been given to me.

today was the official start to monsoon. it rained from 5:00am till 11:30...thunder and lighting and poured!!! in addition to this, there is a strike today and everything is closed. today the streets are filled with young boys playing football or cricket and its a little cool out. it was the easiest hot season i have ever had in kolkata!!!
have watched two movies today Big Fish and Good will Hunting. i must say that GWH is one of my top three movies of all time.....it is just amazing.

i love matt dameon. i love that we all have intimacy issues. i love that today india is quiet and joyful. i love that sarah comes back in 5 days. i love thunderstorms. i love that beth and i ate chocolate chip cookie dough and watched GWH today....good girly times. i love that my heart feels excited for something...i just don't know what it is.

2008-05-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

Out of curiosity i googled my name today....and i came to this random websit that told me stuff about my name.....and what it means....its cool.

Etymology*:
Forename: Origin: Greek (Root: Kristen)Meaning: Christ-bearer
Surname: Origin: Bold, eager, daring; bright, fair; or may be the same as Kean.

Top 5 Facts:
36% of the letters are vowels. Of one million first and last names we looked at, 47.7% have a higher vowel make-up. This means you are averagely envoweled.
Backwards, it is Nitsirk Neek... nice ring to it, huh?
In Pig Latin, it is Istinkray Eenkay.
In ASCII binary it is...01001011 01110010 01101001 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101110 00100000 01001011 01100101 01100101 01101110
People with this first name are probably: Female. So, you are constantly overcharged for beauty products.

3 Things You Didn't Know:
Your personal power animal is the Vampire Squid
Your 'Numerology' number is 9. If it wasn't bulls**t, it would mean that you are multi-talented, compassionate, and impartial. A humanitarian, you seek opportunities to help others.
According to the US Census Bureau°, 0.099% of US residents have the first name 'Kristin' and 0.0072% have the surname 'Keen'. The US has around 300 million residents, so we guesstimate there are 21 Americans who go by the name 'Kristin Keen'..

I love that laura alley researched my name one time and foudn that my last name also means "one who wails in lamentations". i love that i am about to try a new workout based on some jane fonda old school moves. i love that sarah is having fun in the states but we miss her. i love that jen and craig have their first house!!!

some new pictures

2008-05-29T21:23:00.001-07:00

yeah, this would be andrew and jesse (our nepali cousins) acting natural in their their sweet asian wear.
This would be me in all my glory!!!! this picture would have to be dedicated to laura who has kept me laughing through my time in kolkata by sending me random fun things like these beautiful items that keep me laughing at myself alot.

my friend M came over one day and we took pictures of each other...this would be how i was posed. like i said folks...my indian modeling career is about to take off!!!
just a cool moon from out my bedroom window.
this would be my friend M posing in her most beautiful way!! we had so much fun that day!!!

so that is some news.

just some food for thought. beth says to me the other day that God told her "i am forgiving you not because you are a sinner, but because you are my daughter" that struck deep with me. i define myself by my sin instead of by love. it is breaking something in me.

i love manly guys that can do things like fix cars, carry heavy things, and drive motorcycles. i love that i am keeping one SB bag for myself so when i go to the states i can wear it and tell the story as much as possible. i love that today we get to eat KFC and play pictionary with our staff. i love that after talking about how hot it hasn't been......its now freakin hot!!!

some news

2008-05-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

so i am puttin it out there....i haven't been able to write really what is going on in my thoughts for the past couple months because....well i wasn't ready to make this public knowledge yet...but here goes....read on...its my june prayer letter:

Dear Friends and Family,
I am writing this email full. No so much full on yummy Indian food but filled with so many different emotions. My contract with WMF is coming to an end in September. For the past 3-4 months I have been praying about whether or not I was going to renew for three years or return home. After months and months of prayer and lists and conversations and tears I have decided not to renew my contract with WMF. It has taken me a long time to reach this decision and sometimes it still doesn’t feel real.
I am sure now the next question in your mind would be “Why?”. I wish that I could tell you a specific reason but I can’t. I can though explain to you some of the process of coming to this decision.
Kolkata is a really amazing and exciting, but hard city. I love the relationships that I have here and seeing how God is doing the impossible through these relationships However, I feel like most of the time while I live here I hold my breath and survive. I feel like when I leave Kolkata I take breath of fresh air, come back and fight to be here. It’s really hard to let down and I am constantly on guard. As the time got closer to decide to renew my contract I was able to be more honest with myself about how much this place wears on my soul. However, I had always thought when I left this place I would be moving onto something else; marriage, an amazing job etc. I thought I would have a “reason to leave”. But to my amazement I am not moving on to any of these things. It’s God that is moving me on. Instead of hearing “Fight more. Press on”. I am hearing, “Breath. It’s okay. My grace is big enough to move you on. I am reason enough”. It has taken me a long time to believe that God could move me, when I see a huge need in front of me. I still struggle with feeling guilt and condemnation. But I feel like I am once again finding a God who Is my Father, who looks after me and loves me and protects me and the people I love as well.
I have been able to live out my gifting here in such an amazing way. I am an initiator, a visionary, a pusher (is that a word?), a connector. These are the core of who I am and that is who I have been here in Kolkata. God has used me to be a catalyst in starting SB, to cast a vision for Sonagachi and the network, and has let me push through the darkness for the girls. I have lived out my vocation while I have lived here in Kolkata. I am leaving with a better understanding of who I am at my core. I plan on continuing to live out of my vocation where ever God leads me next.
I know that India and the women here will always, always be a part of me. I am forever changed by their stories, their friendship, their laughter, and their suffering. I carry them with me back to America and will continue to fight for them.
Please pray for me and the staff here. I am finding it really hard to say good-bye and let go. I am glad that I have a couple months for this process. I have poured my life out here and I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest!!! I am learning how to trust the process and God’s grace.
Words of thanks seems so minuscule for you all, my friends and family, who have carried me though the past 5 years. You have supported me in everyway possible. You have been a part of everything that has happened here. Because of you and your prayers and your support SB was started, 17 ladies have freedom from the trade, hundreds of girls in the gatch know they have friends who will come and talk with them, and a work was started here that will continue even when I am long gone. Thank you on behalf of all my friends here.
I will continue my service with WMF until the end of September. I will be able to collect salary for the next three month after my contact ends to help ease the transition back into America, so that would be until the end of 2008. So if you are financially supporting me I am asking that you would continue to do so until the end of this year, or if you have always wanted to support me and never got the chance now would be a good as time as any! I will have some higher expenses in the next couple months. I am going to have a complete physical and gum surgery in Thailand, travel to Nepal to say good-bye and have closure with the staff and then all the expenses that come with moving somewhere new. It’s a little overwhelming, so I am just asking that you hang in there a little longer!!!
And don’t worry. This isn’t my good-bye letter. It’s just the heads-up keep you in the loop letter. You will for sure hear from me again.
Keep checking my blog (you can also find links to Beth and Sarah’s there as well) www.jesusripsmyfaceoff.com
With my utmost respect and love,
Kristin Keen

good friends

2008-05-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

the team is gone. we have a great weekend at the tolly. we swam and ate some beef and watched some really good and bad TV, got to workout in a gym one morning, walk around a green golf course with beautiful flowers. it was a good time.
my friend sent me this email a couple weeks ago and sent me this quote and today it brought my heart peace.........
"When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list.He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings."
still realize how much of my worth is in what i need to get done and what i do. i was excited to get back from vacation so i could once again get back in the fight and feel useful again. its rather enlightening when you see yourself and your neediness, not that much fun but if i let it, it brings me closer to God and closer to understanding of His love.
so to other busy bodies out there.......You are lovely and accepted and wanted no matter what you are doing or not doing. fIts all about the grace. its a scandalous grace. its a grace that allows us to rest. its a grace beyond my human understanding and my job is to accept it.

i love my friend Jessa. i love that when i might get to go to paris!!! i love my brother's faithfulness to his friends and family. i love that really...it has gotten over 96 degrees in over two weeks!!!! it really makes me believe in global warming folks because it should be 113-118 degrees right now!! i really really love the show "beauty and the Geek"

so much

2008-05-18T19:57:00.000-07:00

so last night was the biggest storm ever!!! thank goodness i wasn't home. i was over at our friends house on the first floor and was freaked out just to be on the 1st floor.
i usually love storms but sarah left for the states yesterday and beth was out so i was to scared to go home along because our house tends to get really violent wind during storms. so i stayed on the first floor and watched our friends TV. Do you guys watch beauty and the geek. we saw the first episode and loved it!!! it was so funny and interesting. i am a sucker for "reality tv".

have been thanking God a little bit lately. we are seeing fruit from the gatch that we have waited years to see......P's kids are now in the most amazing school and she has started to ask about work. S's young sister is working at our friends vocation unit and S is making steps to leave the line. M is coming to SB on Wednesday. Little S' s mom is talking about sending him to school.
and these are years and years of pouring into relationships. its soooo amazing. so amazing.
a man told us one time "dream for things you thing you won't see". we have dreamed for the ladies for so long....and we are seeing things come true that i never thought i would see!!!!

oh...we saw Prince Caspian and i loved it!!! its so much fun to see a movie here. the crowd cheers and laughs and we had so much fun. and there is a new hulk movie coming out with edward norton and it looks so good. and indiana jones is coming as well. i love me some summer block busters.
i love paris. i lovet hat yesterday when we were playing scatagories a girl tried to get away with saying a dill pickle was a weapon. i love that Beth and i get to go stay in a hotel for a couple days with the team for their debriefing retreat. i love that sarah get to be at home for three weeks and be loved on and get to go to her good friend's wedding!!!!

sad things

2008-05-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

its just kinda sad in the world right now. there was a attack in Jaipur two days ago, where 6 bombs were set off, china had an earthquake, Burma has a huge storm and the local villages here are having violence where 7 people were killed, including of one the political leader's daughter. so this i what i read all day long when i opened the news paper. they told story after sad story about jaipur (its NW india). 60 people died. its all just sad and overwhelming and makes me question the goodness of the world sometimes. i read this story about how this one man let his two daughter-in-laws and their children off to go to the market and he went to park his car. then the bombs went off and they all were killed. just that split second decision. i guess its the same questions that all mindless violence causes.
yuck.
life here is good. so busy but so amazing and rich. we talked last night about how life in Kolkata is like a desert most of the time. It can be barren and harsh but there are these really amazing oasis in the middle of it all. so it makes everything good that much more amazing. and while we live in the desert we are forced to have our roots go really deep to look for water to sustain us. i think that is why life her is just so intense and why i love and hate it here.

i love that i bought the hindi song that i am learning a dance too and now it doesn't work on my computer. i love that Michelle is back blogging again. i love how good water tastes when you are really thirsty. i love that it has been the most mild may i have ever had here so far....its only supposed to be in the 90's all week!!! that is amazing for this time of year!!!! i love that we are going to see prince caspian on Saturday.

tiredness

2008-05-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

this week has been kickin' my butt. it hot season and i forgot how tired you are all the time when its so hot outside. but i really believe its a love- hate relationships with weeks like we just had. it was so full of joys and suffering and busy-ness and amazing and sad things. it was full of purpose and fight and i felt the battle for the girls and what we are doing here. i felt challenged and like i was truly seeing the extent of the battle. and honestly i love it. i love being part of it all. i love the front lines. i love being on this side, even though i am dead tired.

this weekend we did get to rest...its sarah's birthday so we laid by a pool and got our groove on and it was actually really really fun. we got to dance to some hindi music and laugh and it was really great.
tomorrow we are having a party for sarah at SB and everyone is so excited.
sorry this is not really so much a good entry.
i love that i am going to new zeland in october. i love being with the college team that is here. they remind me how amazing my college years were and how happy i am not to be in college! i love the smell of sun tan lotion. i love that my mom is the greatest mom ever and i miss her so much today.

Lost and then found

2008-05-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

so for about 48 hours i thought i had lost my passport. it was not a good 48 hours. you all know that feeling...that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. i swore that i had lost in some where in the city. but alas....it was in my room the whole time. and not only in my room but in my desk chair. how it got in my desk chair i have no idea??? how i didn't see it in my desk chair? i also have no idea. but i can tell you when i found it i jumped up and down with more joy then i have in a long time.
but in the process of my loosing my passport i decided to clean out my room so maybe i could find. i clean my room regularly here but i hadn't really really really cleaned it in well....1 and 1/2 years.....like pull everything down from shelves etc.
and i discovered many things:
1. i found the necklace that Kim gave me that i love sometimes more than life itself!
2. i found the earring i thought i had lost from my dear friends Charlotte and Julian.
3. i have 6 bottle of deodorant.
4. i have four things of lotion.
5. i have enough of everything i need.

so now my room is really really clean, i have my passport and two important things i thought i lost are now found. Wahooo!!!
i love that i saw Iron Man on Saturday and loved it!!! i love that it rained again last night and i had to use a sheet last nigh. i love that we have a team hear of 11 girls from indiana Wesleyan college. they are so sweet. i love that we got an email from Charlotte and Julian today!!!

one of those dreams....

2008-04-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

so i woke up this morning happy because i had the best dream ever....i got to date jim from the office.
it started like this....i suddenly found myself in "the office" working there. i even had on a skirt type thing with high heels. Micheal Scott hit on me first. he was all awkward and weird and i kinda turned him down but not really. jim saw the whole thing and we exchanged glances.
then jim and i were working together and he asked me to a movie and dinner. and of course i said yes...and did my flirty smile.
then i looked over and pam was glaring at me!!! she was pissed. so she walked to the middle of the office and said "i have an announcement. we have a new couple at the office. kristin and jim! everyone give a round of applause!" i got real embarrassed (yeah its still a dream) i looked over at micheal scott and he said "kristin, i thought we were going to go out?" and got that wounded look on his face.
then jim put his arms around me and said "yeah, we are the newest couple" and i beamed in happiness....and then woke up.
i really didn't want to wake up.
the thing is i haven't watched the office in months. hmmm......
i love the book i just read...."the road". i love that i felt a little sick this weekend adn i took the airborne vitamins that my mom left and i feel better. i love that today i get to go to SB. i love the other book i just read "the weekenders".

men

2008-04-26T02:35:00.000-07:00

so on friday i went with andrew, brook, jesse and upendra to buy them lungis. they are a type of indian clothing for men.
we went to the shop and sat down. the man spoke much english and was really excited to talk with us. he then began to tell us his political views (they love politics here). He was a supporter of Obama. So is andrew and jesse so there were cheers all around.
then this man started to tell us why he liked him.
first, this man was a muslim and knew that in the past obama was associated with muslims. and then he proceeded to tell us that " also, hilary is a women and obama is superior" "men are superior both in body and in mind. if man and woman have competition man will always win. of course there are some exceptions...margaret thachter, indria gandhi, but mostly men are superior to women"
and of course....we all just stared at this man in disbelief and anger...did he really just say that???? did he really just say that men are superiour both in mind and body????
i took a deep breath tried to reason with the man and then let it go. me arguing with this man woouldnt help...at one point he asked us "did what i say upset you all?"
it made me realize how far women have to come and how far we have come. it makes me so thankful for men who respect me and honor me and treat me like equals. it made me realize how i have a choice to let men be leaders in my life and speak into my life....i sumbit to men and their leadership not because they are men, but because i respect them and want to submit...its like that with whatever leadership i have to submit to....male or female. i don't think of myself as a super super strong feminist....until my choice to be or not to be is taken away, until a man asserts his power over me just because he is a man. that really makes me realize what is inside of me. it gave me an insight in to how sometimes (and most certainly not all men here) might view women. it make me realize why our ladies at SB are just so freakin amazing for being willing to fight this.
pray for that man. he was actually rather kind and charming in someways.
i love that jesse and andrew were just as shocked as we were. il ove that i feel like the older i get the more confident i feel. i love that i feel like i have treasures locked inside my heart of lessons that i have learned but have yet to teach yet. i love that God values women as equally as men. i love that there are married couples who i see have reached that fine balance with the opposite sex on respect and submission and love.

nepali cousins

2008-04-26T02:26:00.000-07:00

so this past week was crazy!!! we got to participate in the "Healing Hands" training seminar. it was a week long (well in our case only four days due to the strike in kolkata) training event that trains people who are working with women and children who have come out of trafficking. it was really really great but also really intense. its hard to think about all that stuff, all day long, but it was really amazing.
and...it was also amazing because our neapli staff got to come down and stay with us for a week....Brook, Andrew and Jesse. so when we weren't at the conference or sari bari, we were hanging out, having amazing conversations, and laughing. they are such exceptional people.....like those people who are just so cool that i can't believe that they want to be friends with me. they are going to change the world. they love Jesus so much and care about justice so much. so.....props to the nepal staff....i already miss you guys.

i love easy cheese. i love playing boggle. i love that today i am not going to leave my house until dance class. i love that a crow is sitting outside my window staring at me. i love my "silver" earrings from america have tarnished and made yellow puss come out of my earring hold. i love that my dad and ann sent me florida gator clogs.

sometimes i really love this place

2008-04-19T07:23:00.000-07:00

sometimes my heart swells in affection for this place. i mean...its 100 degrees here right now so most of the time my heart is not filled with so much love for Kolkata. but i have these moments. like today.
i was walking to dance and looked up. kolkata has the most amazing architecture. there is this old beautiful white apartment building that is just amazing....like more amazing then anything i see in the states. its just so old and so full of history.

then i was going to the market and met this old lady in the sweet shop. she was soooo cute. she told me that she sees me everyday and then started giggling. she asked me where i was from and i told her america....then i say the joke that never gets old and never fails to make the Bengali's laugh "what country are You from?". everyone laughed. (i can work a crowd folks)

then on the way home from the sweet shop/ slash market i saw a man acting more natural then i have seen in a long time. he was listening to music and had his left leg propped up on a cement wall. he was listening to some music and when i walked by he started hitting his butt to the beat of the music and giving the this weird "check me out" look. i laughed.
so that is why i was feeling the love today.

i love the book world without end....it makes me want to be more clever and wise. i love that i am reading a nutrition book and it reminds so much why i love science and nutrition. i love that what we eat really, truly makes a difference in ourl ives. i love that i can't wear the new stylish big sunglasses i bought because it makes my eyes sweat.

random happiness

2008-04-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

i really love my dance class. its really full at this point...about 15 of us in this rather small room. currently we are learning a jazz routine (i really don't like it at all) and a hip-hop routine (which i love). I find dancing to be a challenge and i am having a lot of fun and find it quite humbling. i find still that what i want to look like in my mind dancing (aka shakira or janet) is not really reality yet...in fact i am happy if i can nail more then 7 dance steps in a row!!!

and my dance teacher is cool. her name in Mon Chu. she is this petite little thing who dances sooo good. she is pretty much a mini asian shakira. she is my indian dance idol. sometime i pretend i look as cool as her.

and today i got a picture of my niece...her name is olivia....isn't she cute!!!

other random happy news...our friend blessed us with some money to go and have a nice night at a hotel...so we are going for a night at the tollygunge club. A/C here we come!!!

i love that india really is such an amazing country. i love that sometimes i can really laugh at myself. i love my vanilla incense from nepal. i love putting my christmas light on, my bangladesh lamp, pouring me a class of wine and putting on my smooth mix from my itunes which consist of greats like nora jones and billy holiday. oh the goodness.

lady bird takes flilght

2008-04-09T08:57:00.001-07:00

so i got a bike for my birthday which was on September 30th, i took me a little bit to buy some plastic so i could store it downstairs and the day that i had planned to ride it was the day i woke up with that viral fever that made it painful to move. then i was sick with that for three months. after i was getting better i again planned on take the lady bird for her first flight, and the day i did that....the tires were flat. so then it took me about a month or two to find a way to pump up my tires. then i got that done and then i found out the two plastic pieces i had saved to cover my bike got thrown away so i had to wait another day but beth happened to have a huge plastic bag in her room that was perfect for the bike....at points in the journey with my lady bird i felt like some unknown force was not letting me ride my bike!!!
but the waiting is over....my purple lady bird bike is now in full commission. i took it our on tuesday and plan to ride it again tomorrow!!! here are some pics from my b-day. oh so true....lady bird is a true friend
its a pretty sweet ride if i do say so myself.
this would be me acting natural next to the lady bird bike.
lady bird rules!!!
i love that beth and sarah got me a bike for my birthday complete with a bell and basket. i love that a bike gives me freedom. i love that today i am so tired but will get up in the morning to ride my bike for sure. i love that even though i am 31 i still need my mom's help to get my taxes done. i love that i really hate planning the details of things. i love that court is faithful in her commenting on my blog!!!

interesting people

2008-04-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

i meet really cool people here. i met a girl who sky dives to relax and owns her own parachute (obviously she doesn't sky dive in india), a girl who is the youngest of 8 and has six half siblings and one full brother so its kinda like the brady bunch, a college kid who grew up in Taiwan and speak mandarin, a women who pulls out her own teeth, on of our friends who is marrying a bengali pastor, a young bengali pastor who fell in love with the red-light area and now wants to give his life there, a crazy women who believes that she has had a baby in her stomach for the past 20 years. and on some really fun news my sister in law is going to have a girl!!!! wahoo!!! i am going to have a niece!!!
never a dull moment here folks.
i love having freshly shaved legs. i love that i rode my bike this morning after owning it for 6 months!!! i love my freeset bag. i love having a cup of coffee with lots of milk and sugar in the morning. i love that so far april has been so pleasantly not hot. i love that my dad is a staunch republican.

again??

2008-04-03T18:43:00.000-07:00

the day i wrote the last blog about kiran the same day she was getting down from a rickshaw and a bicycle ran over her on the leg that she has been having all the problems on.
i feel like i am on a roller coaster here a lot of the times. yesterday was on of those days where i though that things will never change. we have been working with this one lady for years now and she keeps saying she will do things and then doesn't do them and we end up wasting our time. then we feel bad for getting angry. but i am learning that i treat people like victims still. i think that this is just as de-humanizing as treating them like objects. they need to be held accountable and need people to be tough with them just like we do. i am learning that its okay to get angry with some of the ladies we know....of course its not okay to take our anger out on them in an unhealty way but they are humans, just like me. and i can make people mad and irritated on a daily basis!!! so that is a healthy insight into the fact that we are all humans. we all need people to kick our butt sometimes. in fact, God created us to be in relationships sometimes to help give us a healthy kick in the butt sometimes!!!
so, I have to remember that God is bigger than all this crap i see around me. His love is bigger than my anger, my sin and anyone elses stuff. We one day will see S and her family free from the tentacles of the sex trade.
I love that M got up at 5 am did our dishes and has fallen back asleep. i love that God took care of me when i over scheduled. i love that beth and i tried to make bengali food for our bengali friends and well....it kinda flopped. i love that know that i am older its really hard for me to over scheduled and remain a nice sweet human. i love that last night there was this amazing thunder storm so now...on April 4th we are sitting here with no fans on because its that cool!!!!

spiritual attack

2008-04-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

ever since most of our staff has been working for us they have dealth with an increase in sickness and family troubles. but yesterday something happened that was so random that maybe it wasn't random??
beth kiran and i were walking to the gatch. on omonday afternoons we go to the nepali brothel. one of the darkest brothels in the gatch. we are friends with the owner there and have made friends with some of her girls.
as we were walking down this side road.(still 5 minutes from the gatch) out of no where a rock falls and lands on kiran's head. its a side road so its not that crowded and there was only five of us but this random rock fell from somewhere and bonked kiran in the head. of course she was totally taken off guard. however, it didn't bleed or knock her out and we went to the gatch and that brothel and had an amazing conversation with a customer. the next day her head and her face was a little swollen, but she is okay.
so pray for our staff. they are so freakin awesome and endure hardships that i am unable to understand. pray for their safetly and health.
ilove how worshiping God takes away darkness' power. i love that it has rained in the past 48 hours and the weather is still relatively cool for this time of year. i love my room right now...all the windows wide open, an amazing breeze.....its one of my favorite things about living in india.

it was one of the craziest things i have seen in a while.

randomness

2008-03-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

i know it has been forever since i wrote on this blog but its been a really really full two weeks. its one of those times that is so full of stuff that I could write so much and feel overwhelmed so i don't write anything.
but some good news. remember A and B...those are the two boys that we got into boarding school. (beth's servant team know them!) well the boys have been in temporary care for the past 8 months at a boarding school rather far away...but now they got admission to the AG boys home. This is awesome. They will get to learn English, go to an amazing amazing school......they will have a future. The school is just outside the city so their mom, P, can go visit them (as well as us!!!) We have been waiting for this news for a really really long time. Wahooo!!!!
we had visitors....our friends Tammy, Dylan, Molly and Grant, all who now live in Bangalore. They were such an encouragement while they were here. They come here to stay with us for three days of their vacation.....and end up blessing us!!!! They had an amazing prayer time for us and i just feel once again God is longing for me to receive His love without having to prove myself.
and...hot season has started. it hasn't been so bad so far but for the first time in about 5 months on saturday when i was sitting in a chair my legs were sweating and sticking to the chair. just have to remember that its just a season!!!!

i love finding or being found by friends on facebook who i haven't talked to since i was in high school. it brings back such funny memories. i love that i got a really long email from a friend i haven't heard from in a couple months. i love that all my pillow cases are all different colors. i love that our friend charollette is going to have her baby any day now!!!

Oh Ma!!!

2008-03-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

Well, my mom and aunt susie left last night. its sad. it was great to have my mom here. i think we got to know each other better here. its was like having all my worlds clashing at once for me. very rarely does that happen. my life in america is very separate from my life here in kolkata. i always talk about bringing kolkata with me to America but this time i was able to take america with me to share with my friends in kolkata. it was great. my mom and aunt did great. they had such great attitudes when they got tired and were willing to try most things (even eating with their hands). i was really really proud of them. i think it was my favorite part to be able to take them with me to the red-light area and SB. it was so great to introduce the most important people in my life to the most important people in my life. we got to go see the taj mahal, go on a trek in nepal, meet chris hueurtz, not go to sudder st.... even once (am proud of that), be so sore together we could hardly walk, bryiani with the SB ladies, go on a boat ride here, have tea on the streets, walk the line in the gatch and so many awesome things. however, today i am going to do nothing but watch TV and eat the Cheetos that my mom brought me.

me and the ma at the taj mahal..............
this is the view from the picnic bench at one of the cabins we stayed at on our trek
don't my aunt and my mom look so freakin beautiful!!! the ladies dressed them up in saris.
one of the little restaurants we ate at on our trek....note: this is before we actually had trekked and we are still looking fresh and ready for what is ahead.
beth and i keepin' it real nepali style

i love when my mom start laughing so much she can't control herself. i love that everyone that meets my mom likes her. i love that my aunt susie is her beautiful spunky self. i love that all three of us mush our ice cream. i love the comfort that can only come from family...especially my mom. i love that i got a huge from my mom when i went to bed here in kolkata. i love that my mom and aunt's heart hurt for the ladies in the gatch. i love that my family got to see why SB is such a hopeful place. i love my aunt susie. i love my mom.

Power Ballads

2008-03-02T06:58:00.000-08:00

so my mom comes in two and 1/2 days!! can you believe it. i am so excited that i am having a hard time planning the details and staying focused about actually working.
however, i was in the coffee shop today and i heard the song "silent lucidity". do you guys remember that song? i couldn't remember who sang it so i went to i tunes and its qeenryche. do you guys remember them??? i found this amazing collection called "Power Ballads: The Basics" and if you are of my generation you have to take a listen. It brings back sooo many memories. Its middle and high school all over again.
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewMix?id=72318679&s=143441&wm=1
bon jovi, scorpions, bryan adams, poison....its so good.
i am a sucker for music that makes me remember.

had a good weekend. i have to admit out loud that yesterday i watched 7 hours of grey anatomy. wow. that is a lot of freakin television folks. and the thing is i don't ever want to own a tv because i tend to watch it all the time if i have it....but i guess it doesn't matter, tv, vcr, coputer....it all sucks me in!!!

i love grey's anatomy 2nd season. i love that my mom and i just talked for an hour about really nothing even though i am going to see her in two days. i love tha tmy mom is going to get to smell, taste, hear and experience india for herself. i love that my hair is cute and curly today. i love that my mom makes me laugh. i love that i feel like God is breaking off of me lies i belive about who i am. i love that i looked at an "us" magazine i found at a bookstore yesterday from jan and i didn't know any of the names of movies or the new movie stars.

a tiny modeling career

2008-02-27T19:21:00.000-08:00

so here are a sample of my sweet moves while i was at the beach a couple week ago with the SB's ladies and the staff. (and i say tiny modeling career because i can't figure out how to make the pictures bigger. )
So...... if you are struck by the power of my ability to pose i am willing to offer courses on "acting natural: bollywood style". Just come for a visit and you can get the complete course. If i like you i might even give you a discournt. but until then just be inspried by the kolkata girls keepin' it real Bollywood style.

i love that my mom comes in 5 days!!! i love that we are going to stay at the Hotel Relax. i love that my room is organized like my mom organizes her house...lots of piles of random stuff. i love that i am unable to really concentrate right now on anything and just want to go have fun. i love that feeling after cleaning your room where everything is orderly, fresh smelling, pretty and i feel accomplished and somewhat in control. i Love people that appreciate farting.....Thanks Brent!!!

poverty sucks

2008-02-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

words just feel so empty to write about my day. so empty to describe how rich, amazing, hard and life-giving life is right now.
spent my time between the gatch and my friend's house in the vilalge...M. if you know M...we have been friends with her for yeras and years. her sister got really sick after having her baby a month and 1/2 ago so she was admitted into the government hospital. she was septic. she died thsi weekend. If you know M's story at all its marked by lots and lots of sad stories She was trafficked, she has HIV, her father left her family. and nothing that has happened to her is fair or right. poverty sucks. there are layers upon layers of reasons why her sister died like she did and why M life has taken the turn it has.
we didn't get word that her sister had died until today. so we went to her home. and we got to sit with her and talk with her. her mother has taken down all the idols in her house. she talked about how she cried out to the gods and no one heard her. she said that she told the gods that if they saved her daughter she would be faithful to them. but her daughter died. but listen to this....the only thing she didn't throw out of her room...was a cross. it still hangs on her wall.
we talked with them both about how Jesus understands your suffering because he suffered. M remember when she was working at our friends business the movie she saw about Jesus and said she remembered. we didn't make any promises to her that God would heal her or make her life perfect and great....we told her that God suffers with her and He suffers with her and for her because He loves her.
she processed some things about her sister's death. she told us that she can only remember bad things her sister sad. she say she doesn't really believed she has died. most of the time she thinks she is at her mother-in-law's house and is coming home soon.
however, through this experience M wants to see a dcotor and start getting better and wants to work at SB or our friends business.
what am i trying to say........what i am trying to say is that sometimes Jesus is like a fart at a funeral. when someone farts in the most inappropriate times it sometimes bring laughter where there should be no laughter. it breaks the tension in a room and makes people remember good and funny things.
that is what today was like......Jesus showed up in an inappropriate place today. He showed up where there was no hope and gave hope. He brought an inappropriate joy to where there should only be sorrow.
and i know its such a crude way to talk about Jesus but it makes sense to me. and my words just seem to failing right now but i will just say it was a '"farting at a funeral" kinda day. and for those of you who understand....awesome and thank you.
i love that beth made me laugh really hard lots today. i love that M laid in my lap today. i love that farting makes me and my brother laugh more than anything else. i love when in the midst of such immense sorrow God can show me hope in the tiniest things. i love that you really can make a difference in this world. i love that for the first time ever in kolkata i realize how many trees this city has. i love that my nut obsession is finally going away.

a quote

2008-02-17T17:46:00.000-08:00

“May God Bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.”

this is a quote that i took off my friend's tammy blog, who took it from a charlie hall CD and i don't know where charlie hall got it from but its awesome.

i love that i am home back in kolkata after an amazing, amazing amazing beach weekend with our ladies. i love the steet food we got t eat along the beach. i love that we now have a special memory time at 9:30pm with the ladies. i love that today i get to maybe look at some flat for sarah, beth, and I.

to the beach with 54 of my closest friends

2008-02-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

well, its 10:47 and i am exhausted. we said good-bye to our dearest friends tonight charolette and Julian. it was of course a beautiful mix of sadness and joy. we are going to miss them so much. however, since so many other things have been taking my attention away our weekend away tomorrow has come up to quickly.
tomorrow the SB ladies and our staff are goign away to the beach for the weekend!!!! yes, 55 people in total. that is about 17 ladies, our staff, adn lots of kids. i don't think i have processes anything at all about this weekend...like how amazing it is!! we get to go on vacation with our SB ladies!!!! oh my goodness!!!!! wahooo!!!!
i love Charolette and Julian. i love that today kiran rocked my face off with how amazing she is. i love that i still haven't packed yet. i love that i bought a sweet spider man mug. i love that i ate the pez from my ms. santa pez dispenser that i got for christmas from my parents. i loev that my mom comes soooo soon.

why today was a good day

2008-02-12T07:41:00.000-08:00

1. i have been feeling so drained lately. i asked beth yesterday if God could put fight in me again to fight for the girls. Today, i got to fight for a girl.

2. i had three people compliement my bengali today.

3. as i was taking the metro home today i saw a girl i knew from the gatch and we got to sit together.

4. i discovered a possible new food obsession...a paneer pastry.

5. the auto driver regonized me and told the other passengers that i speak bengali. we then had a conversation about our business.

6. I got to cut rolls for blankets at sari bari with Gita

7. I realized how free i am to make a decision. on my metro ride i realized that i wasn't worrying about anything....no boys, conflicts...i was free and it was so nice.

8. i bought by tickets to go on my "get the freak out of kolkata" retreat next weekend. i am going to see Tammy. and i am going to go by myself and love it.

9. i took an 1/2 hour nap today when i finally got to sari bari. i only take naps when i am really really tired. it was so nice.

10. i am obsessed with home made indian food lately. a lady at sari bari let me try some of her alu dum and it was sooo good. i am learning how to make kichuri and alu baja. i want to be able to teach my mom.

11. i had a conversation with ange two days ago and i still feel like i am processing lots of cool things.

12. as i am writing this i just got a text message on my phone from spice jet that told me about my ticket...how is that for service.

13. i love that in the past three day i have talked to ange, david, laura, and a little bit with kara and loved it.

14. today i contimplated seriousness and Jesus farting. sometimes i get soooo serious and forget to laugh and remember that God has a sense of humor. today i wondered if Jesus would rip one with all of His dsciples around and then laugh...i mean it was a bunch of men. who knows??/ but it makes me smile.

i think that is all. it was a good day and i am so wonderfully tired. i am goign to bed.

a joke

2008-02-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

my pastor here, well he is a really not so much gifted in preaching as he is just an amazing kind man who loves Jesus so much.
he isn't bengali but south indian. he has lighter skin, this kinda bigger nose and he wears these huge huge glasses from the 1970's. whenever he tries to tell a joke when giving a sermon he gets so excited he jumps out of his chair and makes himself laugh (we all sit in a room together when he speaks) yesterday he spoke about laughter and God. he told a joke...and it kinda made me laugh.....andi can't remmeber the exact titles of the books so bear with mith me....

there was a group of women sitting togther and chatting and chatting away. they all had kids, were pregnant or there were plans for kids in the future. they started talking about what they were reading when they got pregnant. one lady started:
"well, when i was prgnant i was reading "tale of two cities" and "oh bah bah...i had twins"
The next lady chimed in, "well, when i was pregnant i was reading the 3 muskateers and oh bah bah....i had tiplets"
suddenly on of the pregnant mother stands up and says, "Oh bah bah, ladies what shall i do?? i just read Akbar and the 40 theieves?"

its kinda funny...isn't it????
and having my pastor tel lit was even cuter.

thing are okay here. had a great weekend (of course). bought our tickets for the train to see the taj mahal, paid the electricity bill, fell asleep in a coffee shop, our friend charolette and jullian took us out for an amazing amazing farewell dinner and we got to have steak!!, and yesterday there was a social justice film festival and got to see two films "i want to be a pilot" and the hands of Che". and today is a puja so we have another day off!!!!

i love that i have apicture of kim and her new family displayed by my computer, i love that i have quite a few freqeuent flyer miles now. i love that i like the book i am reading now "attonement". i love that feeling after a long day of coming home. i love that wheni come home at night we can make a easy dinner, grab diet cokes and wathc grey's anatomy uninteruppeted and without any objection. i love my new 10 rupee gel pen

the distracting pigeons

2008-02-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

so everyday here is always an adventure. its part of the reason i don't want to leave. on monday we went to see this new lady. i will call her Suma. we walked by her room and she called us in. and on top of her head was a pigeon.....for those of you who have been here she was sitting in her small little room in the gatch with a pigeon on her head.

and for those of you who have known me for a while, you would know how i feel about pigeons. they lived in our flat here for nine years before we moved in....and we cleaned up their crap. lots and lots of pigeon crap...and then for a year we fought for our flat from the pigeons. i do not like pigeons. they are the rats of the air.

however, this lady had called us into her room. we look to our right and she has cardboard boxes with pigeons in them because she keeps them in her room...not in a cage...but in boxes so they can fly around and stuff.

she invited us to sit on her bed. she has it covered in plastic so the birds won't ruin her bedspread.

i am trying not to be grossed out.

we start talking and she starts telling me her story....

"i was trafficked at 13 to bombay and then trafficked again to Dubai with a fake passport. here take a look at my passort"

and this whole time she is talking i am thinking

"oh gosh that pigeon is on her head! am i sitting in pigeon pooh? oh gross how can she love these animals? oh gosh...the pigeon is pooping on her. oh gosh...she is cleaning the poop off her back as she is telling us her sad story. oh gross, her hand touched the pooh."

and this continued.

she did tell us that she keeps the birds as pets because she is really lonely. the man who is keeping her lives in nepal and only come once in a while to give money. so she like the company of the birds.

and i felt......bad. bad for her story and bad for being totally grossed out by the rats of the air.

she invited us back next week for lunch. in her room with pigeons. can i say no????

i love how you can never plan a day the unexpected always happens. i love listening to classical music on my ipod while take a boat ride in kolkata. i love how good friends know you. i love that today there was a strike so we have a day off. i love shane bernard. i love i got a long email from my dad today.

lovin' the hair

2008-02-02T01:45:00.000-08:00

my haircut is way cute....will email a picture later. its still as curly as it ever was. yipee!!!
yesterday, we had a celebration at SB. it was 7 ladies i year celebration of freedom and two ladies have complete their 6 months training. it was really fun.
i forget sometimes how amazing life is here. we laughed so much yesterday. i felt like i belonged there and felt attached to our ladies. i forget how constant we arein each other's lives. i for them, them for me.
we danced and ate cake and took pictures.

this morning we had our network meeting. its a group of all people who work in the red-light areas. and to my amazement. its working. we had the pastor's tea, we have plans for the future. and the thing is we are all the different people from about 6 or 7 different countries coming together because we belive Jesus and are beliveing that change is possible. a women from new zeland today gave such a timely devotion about the verse that talks about a seed doesn't bear fruit unless it dies. and she talked about that time between the death and the rescurection...the time of waiting.
she felt that GOd has given her a word for us as network....that HE was pleased with us, and our lives and work were like a pleasant fragrance to HIm.
that almost made me. because sometime i feel like all i let off it a gross stink because i am so aware sometimes of my own struggles here. but its like I felt grace today. the waiting is because God loves me. IF he didn't love me, He would leave me, give up on me, turn HIs face and let me be the way that i am.....He is refining my character during the waiting not to punish me or show me how bad i am but because he loves me and He had plans and had plans to use me.

so that is good.

gotta run.

i love diet coke.....really i am addicted. i love sugarless mint gum. i love how leonora laughs. i love that i almsot have all the tickets bought for my trip with mom and aunt susie. i love tha tmy hair is really sassy. i love when people notice your haircut.

I MIss my Vanessa

2008-01-30T00:51:00.000-08:00

So today i got my hair cut in India. this has never happened before. I heard a few horror stories from friends about their hair cut so i have been avoiding it. I have been going home enough that each time i would go home Vannessa would cut my hair. Not only is vanessa an amazing hair dresser, she is also a great friend. While i am getting my hair cut we chat and laugh and catch up....its great. I look forward to it every time i go home.

This is vanessa after she cut my hair last time i was home.

my experience this time was a little different. i went to this post salon on park st. I have walked by it 100's of times and never went in but my friends here say there is this guy who is the best. he does runway show in Paris and stuff. so i booked him.

i walked in the saloon and immediately felt so so so uncool and hip. i woke up lat that morning and was kinda grubby and i have my kinda big awkward bag with me. and everywhere there is all dressed up and looking so stylish.

i sit for a long time. and all of the sudden out of the blue i feel a tug on my arm and it my friend Maya!!!! she has been working there for about 2 months cleaning etc.!! it was crazy.

so i waited some more and maya told me to tell them that i here and to tell Ramen (that's his name).

well i guess the receptionist forgot to tell him i was there to get my hair done by him.

finally i get my hair washed by an assistant and then she proceeds to run a brush through my hair...note i have curly hair.

then ramen comes. you can tell he is the boss. the moves through the store and everyone kinda get outs of his way. he is kinda youngish...my age it think.

i show him a picture of my favorite hair cut vanessa ever gave me and he say "too curly". I say "um okay" but i would like some fun layers. i was a little intimidated at this point.

He then started to cut away. and my hair kept getting drier and drier and he didn't put in any product or anything. but he was cutting great and even used the razor just like Vanessa.

he cut and then he used a blow dryer and literally just blew it dry.....no scrunching or moose. when i look i the mirror i almost started crying. i had this huge frizzy mane. he tells "you hair isn't as curly as it was in the picture" i am freaked.

but then he did take some moose (sp?) and kinds crunches it up and then blow dries the top straight. so i have this kinda straight bouncy hair-do.

the verdict is still out.

we shall see how it looks washed with some gel in it.

I love getting my hair cut by vanessa in america. i love America's customer service. i love that the guy who cut my hair is like this international famous hairdresser and it cost me about $5 dollars more than a fantastic sams hair cut in the states. i love that my fair feels bouncy and good. i love that i really really need a tan.

Kali

2008-01-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

Here in Kolkata, the major god that people worship is Kali. Or Kali ma or Kali goddess of time, death and destruction. She is a complicated god. she supposedly saved her "children" by drinking the blood of a demon. this sent her into a wild killing frenzy and her husband took the form of a dead man and she tripped over him and was awakened from her blood lust. is you have ever seen a picture of her she is depicted as having blue skin, wild hair, many arms, her tongue out, and has a chain of heads around her neck. she is rather scary looking.

i am telling you this because i had a weird experience today. we met a new girl named R. she was sold by her husband when she was a teenager into the trade. she had lived there ever since. we noticed all these cuts on her arms. when she answered we were a little shocked by the story. she broke her arm when she was really young. her mom did a puja to Kali (she made some kind of worship) and her arm was healed. at this very young age R make a pledge to Kali. so every year during Kali PUja she cuts her arm open and fill a gold cup with her blood and offers it to Kali. We asked her why she does this. She told us that she is scared that if she doesn't do this she will die. She thinks that by doing this sacrifice her life will stay good. So the root of it is fear. Crazy eh?
So we get to keep going to see her. she wants to leave the trade now. pray for her. she is really sweet. she has one son whom she loves more than anyone in the world.

i love that i just wasted about 20 minutes looking at pictures on line of the screen guild pictures. i love that when i makes list i usually remember things...why i don't make list more i don't' know. i love that tomorrow i get to go to sb. i love that on friday we are going to see bikram gosh...a famous tabla player.

Hello

2008-01-27T04:59:00.000-08:00

life has been alight here. actually, it has been cold. the coldest i can ever remember. it started to get cloudy on tuesday and then the sun didn't shine for a couple days and then in rained for two and 1/2 days....and folks, it was cold. i just want to give props to the people of WMF who live in nepal, or bolivia or romania. because, as nice as it was to curl up under the blankets for a couple days...i am ready for sunshine and warmth once again. i didn't take a shower for , i think, three days, because i didn't want to be cold!!!!
so props to the cold weather people. i think of you when i was tempted to complain and instead was just thankful that i knew in a couple days it would be warm again. you all are my heroes.

this weekend we were given a day away out of the city paid for by another NGO that we work with here. at this retreat center there is a pool, basketball court, tennis courts, boats, mini golf. we were all set for a day in the sun and like i said above it rained the whole weekend. and it never rains in teh winter here...just a freaky weather kind of thing. this happened to us in September when we tried to leave the city for the beach...it rained all day, every day for the two night we were at the beach as well!!!! however, this forces us to rest. yesterday at the retreat center we ready for a couple hours in our bungalow they provided us with and then watch TV for a couple hours and ate good indian food and felt totally relaxed. they even sent a driver to pick us up at our house and take us to the retreat center. it was really really a good day.

i am thinking to much about renewing my contract. i have to know in the next couple months. it makes me sad a little bit to have to make this decision because either way i decide it cost something. wish i didn't have to choose and could just have it all!!!!

i love the book "animal's people" by Indra Sinha i just read....ange, you have to read this book. its an amazing story and beautifully written. i love that the retreat center has a zacuzzi. I love that i think for lent i am going to try to keep my room clean for a whole month. i love that my mom is coming. its still surreal. i love reading the cullum's blog...makes me oh so happy.

dancing in the streets

2008-01-21T07:40:00.000-08:00

yes....my all time idol....Micheal Jackson...he may be really creepy and weird now...but Thriller, Bad, Billie Jean, beat it.... the man can bust a move like no other!!!!

Shakira......dancing idol #2
janet jackson...dancing idol #3....come on folks'...rhythm nation was awesome!!!

so i have joined a dance class. i have dance two days a week from 6:00 - 7:00 pm. my friend avishek and i have joined. sarah and beth are both learning how to play instruments, i decided to learn how to dance. i love love dancing. if a guy ever wants to win me over...just dance with me. however, i am finding that dance class is not really like dancing. its a lot harder. usually when i dance i don't think about the moves or what comes next...i just dance and laugh and have so much fun. and i am still having fun, that is until i have practiced the same step over and over again and can't seem to remember it still. however, that is good for me. it makes me have grace for myself and laugh and have fun anyways.
i am learning hip hop (my favorite) salsa, some bollywood stuff, jazz (my least favorite) and some other types. its such great exercise.
i am by far the oldest and only foreigner in my class. most of the students are girls and are the age of 14-21. but i am making friendship with them and they are getting more used to the crazy white girl in the back who laughs at her mistakes.

so i am enjoying getting my groove on. its fun and frustrating to learn something new. maybe you will one day get to see my moves in person. until then just think of kristin shaking her bootie like shakira ohttp://www.muvids.com/shakira_videos/hips_dont_lie.htmlr Janet Jackson (her two female dancing idols). and at least know that in my own mind i look like them when i dance.

i love that beth can make me laugh at most anything. i love that sarah was missed when she went to Delhi this weekend. i love that my brother never ceases to surprise me. i love that my step sister sent me a picture of her sonogram. i love that one of my small group girls gave birth to a 10.5 lb baby!!!!

What???

2008-01-17T18:09:00.000-08:00

The Indian Institute of Cebreal Palsy.

i had a "clashing of worlds" kinda day yesterday. I have a friend named Jima and her handicap little girl who is 8 named Sila (names changed). I think i wrote before about how Sila's smile could honestly melt the most evil person's heart.

Jima asked me to get her some help for her daughter. i was eventually referred to the Indian institute of cerebral palsy http://www.iicpindia.com/ . They said come in on a Thursday for a free assessment.

So yesterday we went.

i was really dreading it. but i walked in and the institute was clean and organized and people were friendly and asked us "what do you need?" they took her name etc and then ushered us to a room that looked liked it could of been in america.

there about 5 families each sitting on thick physical therapy mats each with a doctor. the doctor was making a plan with the family and showing them excises. so Jima and i sat down with a woman Doctor/Pysical Therapist and she learned exercises to help her daughter. then we got to go see a specialist doctor and he diagnosed Sila with Cerebral Palsy. They told her that her daughter might be able to lift her head and feed herself and that she was really smart.

Jima has to go once a month to this institute. They are going to give her a chair so her daughter can sit right. if jima goes every month for the next 6 months to a year she might be eligible to put her daughter in school. i left this place so hopeful for jima and her daughter because i felt like people for the first time were on her side. they believed that good could happen to Sila. They treated Jima with respect even though they could tell by her address what she did for a living. it was one of the most positive experiences i have ever had at an institute here.

then we made the trek home. when we arrived relived and tired, jima had a customer waiting for her. she insited that i stay and wait so we could eat together. she closed the curtain and worked, i sat on the opposite bed with her owner and the customer's friend. They talked about the "free sex" in america and how everyone has sex with everyone and its no big deal. and asked me about my sex life. and i realized that this gift of sex that i have been waiting since i was 13 to give to my husband, something that is so so precious to me and have been protecting to give away to the man i will marry one day, was given away for 100 rupees in 10 minutes, while i sat on the opposite bed so Jima could feed and take care of her little girl with cerebral palsy and feed her two sons.

after that we ate rice and vegtable curry.

what???? like i said, a clashing of worlds. don't have words to put it all together. sometimes i forget where i work and the reality of it all. have to believe the from brokeness God can make a mosaic. (Josh said that)

I love that sarah and beth's article for the cry. i love playing Frisbee. i love playing badminton in the park here in kolkata. i love that beth and i bought i poster and nepali flag for out friends and its jan. and still have given them to our friends yet. i love that this blog post make me uncomfortable and wonder whether i should of posted it.

loving kolkata

2008-01-14T18:22:00.001-08:00

life here has been good. the weather is amazing. perfect. sunny, warm, a little chilly at night. youc an wear jeans and not sweat so being outside is where i want to be right now.
on saturday our friends micheal and bapi took us to bandal church about 2 1/2 hours outside the city. it was from 1568 or something. and then we got to go to this old mosque...it was awesome. you walk in the prayer room and it has all these beautiful glass lamps hanging from the ceiling. it was old and run down but for some reason i really loved it.
and then sunday there was this huge political ralley but i went to the victoria memorial anyways and laid out in the sun and read my bible and it was heavenly.
i think its a combination of the weather and just being out in the city and learning more about it. its like walking around in a museuam sometimes. the houses in our neiborhood along are a hundred or more years old...at least.
and there are still burning ghats and bathing ghats like there was a 1,000 years ago. its just so cool.
and the gatch is great. we recently befriended this lady J who has a young daughter who has a young daughter who is 8 and has some kind of physical and mental handicap. she can walk or talk or sit up...but she can smile. and she is soooo sweet. J's husband died 6 years ago and she was rolling cigarettes to support her daughter and her two sons. any woman would of thrown her child away like everyone would of told her to but she said she couldn't do it. she has only been working the line for 6 months. we have taken her to our friends business and she might start work in Feb!!!! we are also referring her to the indian institue of cerebral palsy to get her daughter admitted in the school.....
sorry this is short but i just talked to my mom on the phone and now i might be late to work!!!

i love that my mom i coming to visit!!! i love the visiting the mosque makes me want to go to morocco. i love that gita calls to remind me to bring things to her. i love that sarah loves fairness and justice.

what i learned today

2008-01-06T04:22:00.000-08:00

The Victoria Memorial

i had such a lovely day off today.
Denise is in town and in addition to bringing most of my Christmas presents, amazing face stuff, fish oil pills, and buying us pizza i got to use her hotel room this morning. i took a hot shower, took a nap and watched a bit o' television.

then i had a coffee at barista with my usual chocolate chip muffin.

then met beth, ben (her brother) and avishek for lunch and then vent to the Victoria memorial. its this beautiful building built around 1o0 years ago as a monument to queen victoria.

Avishek is a history buff and i learned all these amazing amazing things about Kolkata and the culture.
like:

1. Where does the cast system come from?
They believe that there are three main Gods. The first God whose name i can't remember right now created us. They believe that out of different parts of the God's body different types of people were created....from the head....the brahmins. this is the highest cast and are the ones who are the bridge between God and man. Another cast came from the arms...they were the rulers, kings and warriors. Another cast came from stomach...these are the business men and farmers. then the last and lowest class came from the feet.....these do the menial task in society.

all the caste besides the brahmin could support themselves so they needed a way to support themselves so they created rituals that they had to be paid to do. in this way they were able to keep power.

2. How did the british take over India?
They took over the indian empire from the monguls. they defeated the french in the 100 years war and that made them able to have free reign to invade. They then, through using a deceitful man from the Mongol army, over took Bengal (that is the state i live in). Bengal was the richest state and by over taking Bengal they then were able to over take the entire country.

and there is so much more but it makes me a little sad the way humans treat each other and its a matter of power. i guess its what you do with that power that matters.
i still see some of the effects of kolkata's history today....but that is about 5 blog entries long and i don't want to be to much of a dork.

i love the office. i love that avishek is an amazing teacher and a good friend. i love that i am studying HIV and women's nutrition. i love that my mom is going to get the Victoria memorial tour from me...and i will have stuff to say. i love that in my life time our country hasn't known civil war or war on our own country. i love that Jesus call us to forgiveness so we can receive love and break the cycle of oppression and corruption in this world.

What 40 bucks can do in India

2008-01-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

the view of the plumber out our bathroom window breaking the pipe. the view from below.......just bamboo and ropes folks!!!!
the workers taking down the ropes.

we had a clogged toilet. it started with our western toilet and then moved over to our squattie. it was gross, smelly, and inconvenient. so i called my friend avishek and he helped us get a plumber. the first day they came to check out the "jam". ( i want to note here that we didn't go look for a plumber until 5:00 on Wednesday. the workers are not allowed to start a new project involving toilets or phoo after 12:00 in the afternoon due to superstitions...interesting)

at one point this dude reached his hand in and down the toilet to see if he could feel what was jamming the toilet. he couldn't find so they had to take the toilet off....literally off the floor and uncement it. it was then they found that there was a jam where the two bathroom pipes joined. bad news. they have to do that work from the outside....we live on the 5th floor.

but never fail.......they have bamboo here.

the next day we arranged to rent bamboo poles. and they proceeded to build a structure on the back side of our flat.....5 stories up...its an amazing process.

i asked the men if they got scared. they replied, "this is our work. we are experts".

there is no no no way i would ever be able to do what they do. i have the utmost respect for them.

so they built this big bamboo thing. cracked open the pipe with hammers and took all the "jam" and put it into plastic bags. you can imagine the smell.

they found out the pipe was jammed with sticks from a broom and some plastic. where all that stuff came from....i don't know.

but as we speak the final touches on taking down the impressive bamboo structure is happening. we can use the squattie toilet freely. tomorrow the western one will be ready.

yippee for working toilets. yipee that they can build 5 story structure for 40 dollars!!!

i love that i have had the same orange with every meal for the past three days but have failed to eat it because i have been eating my christmas chocolate instead. i love that i am taking a dance class here and learned some sweet hip-hop moves. i loved that nobody laughed at me in dance class. i love this passive, community centered, crazy, non-fixed price, bamboo using country i live in. i love that without avishek's help thsi would of never happened.

the best present ever!!!!!

2008-01-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

i want to announce my most favorite christmas present ever.......
my mom is coming to kolkata!!!!! my mom is coming to kolkata!!!! my mom is coming to kolkata!!! my aunt susie is coming ot kolkata!!!
we are goign to the taj mahal together!!!! we are goign to nepal and going on a trek together!!! isn't that amazing!!! amazing.
i will be going around the city and all of the sudden it will hit me how amazing it is......my mom is comign to kolkata. i am going to get to see my mom in kolkata and take her to the gatch and to SB and show her around and she will get to see the Taj and the hymalayas....its just so freaking cool.

a good year so far

2008-01-02T08:16:00.000-08:00

i had one of the best new year's ever. brook came down from nepal. and we had all our english friends come over. There were around 15 of us (perfect). We played pictionary Brits vs. americans and we lost. we sang the star spangled banner at the top of our lungs off our veranda. we danced and danced and danced. it was soooo fun. we found that British boys are superior in some ways to our American boy in the fact that they love to dance. like....they just dance. they don't try to be funny they just dance. it was quite refreshing and so good.
and then we played charades until 4 am!!!! yes 4 am!!!!
then everyone came over the next day at around 1 and we ate french toast, and watched movies on the big screen until late that night. it was heavenly. and perfect. i feel like i was away on holiday. am so much loving our friends here.
but today was back to work. brook went back to nepal. i did work. life is good.

i love my picture sarah got me from Christmas "the lord will fight for you. you need only be still". i love that my dad misses me. i love the feeling looking at stars gives you. i love that even though i am far away from my friends and family i really do try to keep them close to my heart here. i love that my British friends didn't know what sororities, fraternities and my UF pajama pants were. it was very foreign to them.

keepin' it real on christmas

2007-12-27T08:35:00.000-08:00

so christmas passed way to fast here.....so fast that i need a day off after it. we had a great christmas. on christmas eve sarah, beth and i baked cookies, ate chili and chips, and exchanged presents. it was perfect.
then christmas morning i talked with the family. then we had all the SB ladies over to house for christmas and it was....it was perfect. it really was. everything went smoothly, the ladies had a great time, we had enough presents food and we got hugged when the ladies left and when they came. it was about perfect. then christmas eve we went out to dinner at a really bad and expensive restaurant. it kinda wasn't that fun at all....but by that time i was to tired to care!!!! here are some pictures to mark out christmas
here are beth and sarah acting natural in front of our charlie brown tree......
we don't have an normal oven or anything to rosll out sugar cookies on so our cookies are just creative blogs. (peru field...your rocked). however, they were soooo good. thank you ange for sending us the mix.
this would be us in all our indian glory.
and this is our family....gita, upendra and kiran. they are amazing.
and this is me christmas morning at around 7:30am wearing and holding most everything i got for christmas. it was grand.

i love that brook is coming to spend new years eve with us on a whim!!!! i love that i have to pee really bad right now but want to finish this blog. i love that i have a 250g caramel cadbury bar next to me that my friends bought me from london. i love the actress who plays kristine on grey's anatomy. i love that i am exhausted and yet i am still blogging. i love that my friend ange is the best writer ever....she makes going shopping and going to bars sound like the most beautiful spiritual things in the world.....she is amazing.

more family

2007-12-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

this is my brother, mom and me christmas 2006.
my brother, dad and i at my step-brother's wedding this past march
these are all my brothers.....i am a well protected women.
my dad and ann......at drew's wedding.

i love that today we are going to make christmas chookies. i love that its cold and grey out...just like a florida christmas. i love that our house is getting cleaned today!!! i love that i am going to get my legs waxed. i love that i was poking around the presents today trying to see which ones are for me!!!! i love that my next post can be about my family here. i love that my dad makes me laugh. i love thinking about how much fun my friends are having with their kids this year. i love that we get to give christmas cakes out to everyone.

teary eyed

2007-12-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

drew and becca's wedding
(above) Me and my mom (below)

its happening....i can't listen to "i'll be home for christmas" without getting teary eyed. it always happens when i am away from home. even though christmas is going to be great i will still miss candle light christmas eve service, singing silent night till the last candle it lit , grandpa's candy, ann's 27 different kind of desserts, my brothers farting, my over indulgent gift giving dad and ann, passing out christmas presents, ann getting mad at my dad for spoiling her, the appetizer buffet with my mom and brother, playing apples to apples, the passing of the pink tree, the memories that come with each christmas ornament, the christmas music everywhere, the 24 hours of christmas story, an oven with sugar cookies, just being with my family, that feeling after you open all your presents and sit and re look at all of them, the soloist they always have at christmas eve services that is so beautiful it makes me teary, my mom....just being my mom and taking care of me and making me laugh, laughing with my brother, hearts to hearts with JC, getting to know becca's heart , admiring drew's kindness, ann's remembrance of those who have to go without, and my dad's absolute adoration and love for me....i am his princess.........its all those things why i am getting teary eyed today and why i love being home with my family and miss you even though being here is good. nothing can replace you.

Merry Christmas...........

motorcycles and beautiful weather

2007-12-22T05:05:00.000-08:00

we started our Bhoro Din Chuti (christmas holiday) officially friday at 7:01 and i am going to try to enjoy it!!
today we went on a short motorcycle trip with our two bengali friends, Michael and Bapi, our two kiwi friends, Steve and Lisa. we went out to the botanical gardens. and it was perfect. the weather was amazing. we got to play Frisbee and laugh and despite the random collection of cultures we laughed really really hard. it was perfect.
now we are home, swept our flat, going to cook yummy soup for dinner and then popcorn and a movie. am tired and content and my face might be a little tanner.
however, one random thing.....my helmet was first really ridiculous looking...it looked like a equestrian caps...and it was two small. i had to force this ridiculous thing on my head and by the time the 45 minute ride was over my head was numb!!! i had this big red strip across my forehead when i would take my helmet off!! luckily it would go away after about 1/2 hour. i would take the helmet off and could feel the blood rushing back to my scalp. it was funny and a little scary.

i love riding on the back of a motorcycle. i love that our kiwi friend steve raced cars on gravel roads in new zeland and has been driving motorcycles since he was 8. i love that tired feeling and knowing you get to go to bed soon. i love that christmas is on a tuesday this year so we have a four day weekend!!!! (even though we are having a Christmas party at our house for all the ladies). i love that dad and ann got two new puppies. i love that all my small group girls are parents, or in the next month will become parents ( love you all)

some good

2007-12-20T06:23:00.000-08:00

Yeah....we finally found P, not drunk, and willing to go talk with our friend about getting her boys for boarding school. my stomach has been in knots worrying about this whole thing but things are looking up. her and her husband are picking up the kids tomorrow. pray for their time home.....for A and B. P has been on a drinking rampage for the past two weeks. A and B have been at this boarding school for the past four months and for the first time, most likely in their lives, A and B have had 4 months of stablilty, discipline, foood, rules and love. pray for their 10 days at home.
so much i want to write but am soooo tired.

i happened to find this movie preview........ http://psiloveyoumovie.warnerbros.com/
Has any one seen it??? p.s i love you it has so many famous people in it and i love hilary swank and i love......love....the guy that played denny from grey's anatomy. we just don't get movies like that here and ifound myself getting all teary eyed.

i love that everynight beth and i plan to watch a movie and we don't ever have time. i love that fleshies all over the world are making surgar cookies for christmas. i love that that sarah comes back to kolkata on sunday. i love that this morning we listen to an advent sermon from andrew's church adn it ripped my face off and gave me hope.

a mixture of hope and despair

2007-12-17T07:31:00.000-08:00

so today was such a strange mixture of surprises, joy, sadness, poverty, wealth, tears, hopelessness and strong friendship.
i went with M this morning to see our friend P. this is the women that we are working with that we helped put her kids into boarding school. well its the christmas holiday and she wants to take her kids for the holiday. when i went to talk with her today about how she would do this she was passed out drunk. she would wake up. her "boyfriend" came and woke her up by shoving lemon and some kind of spice into her mouth and splashing water on her face. she was so out of it......and it was only 11:30 am. i guess she started drinking at 8:00am. her cuts on her arms were fresh. she is soooo full of despair and soooo sooo damaged from this freakin world...from the sex trade. i would drink if i was her as well. she might not be able to take her kids for holiday and that makes me both sad and happy all at the same time.

so i spent the rest of the day, running errands and then going back to the gatch with beth and had a great time. we found this girl R who we have been looking for for a long time.
then we got our 13 loads of laundry from our friends house and then went christmas shopping. we went to a market close by our house and it was so much fun. beth is a good friend.

so that is my weird day of absolute despair, hope, laughter , tears and finding a surprise around every turn......and here are my new earrings. the fact that i bought these is a surprise in itself.

I love that i have hope for P even though logically there should be none. i love M who works at our friends business... she came out of the trade after 15 years and is not going back to get women out...she is my hero. i love speaking bengali when we go to new places. the bengalis always get so excited and tell us how good our bengali is.....good for the ego. i love discovering new things about kolkata. i love that i was surprised by a good friend on-line today who i hadn't heard form in awhile.

Our own Charlie Brown Christmas

2007-12-16T06:18:00.000-08:00

So we dug out our Christmas decorations....and well...we keep them in the room where our water tank is which has leaked and it had leaked onto the bag with the Christmas decorations that has been sitting unopened for more than a year and 1/2. This is what remained of our Christmas tree.................. We of course were a little reluctant to keep the tree as you can see from the below photo. But i was inspired by one of my favorite Christmas cartoons...a charlie browns Christmas and refused to give up on the little guy. we knew he had beauty inside.......
and this was the final product!!!! we used sari scraps to tie tiny bows and shiny ornaments we found at new market and we feel we salvaged the tree and i believe that our tree is prophetic.....all things can be made new, everything has beauty, and we even got to use sari scraps on it!
i think it might be one of my favorite Christmas trees ever.
and this is our living room now...complete with tacky holly garland, Christmas lights, a cool tree and a 3.oo dollar merry Christmas sign!!! ( we found that Christmas decorations here are about twice as much in the states.....stuff you would find in the dollar store goes for a couple bucks here)

so our house is some what christmasy. we are proud of it and have still been listening to Christmas music non-stop. i just have a feeling about this Christmas. its going to be a goodin. Sarah comes back on the 23rd and we are going to listen to christmas music and bake sugar cookies on our make shift stoves. (thanks ange). and we have been getting details together for our SB party and we officially have reservations at the fairlawn with our British and kiwi friends.

Its begining to look a lot like Christmas.......at least in our house.

I love that both beth and i cried when we wrote Christmas letters. i love that in two days beth and i did about 12 or 13 load of laundry at our friends house with a machine. i love what we got Charlotte for christmas. i love what i got sarah and beth for christmas. i love the anticipation of things. i love hearing my friends christmas traditions.

Lovin' the Ladies

2007-12-14T03:40:00.000-08:00

i have been taking the ladies to the doctors for the past couple weeks for physicals. and i love it. i don't love the craziness with which they run the doctors offices but i do love getting to know the ladies. Today, it took forever.

But this nice younger man helped us out. After he helped us i said, "thank you", gave the head nod and smiled. after i did this the two ladies i was with turned to each other and started giggling. they gave me that "you like him" look. and then started giggling again. i guess if you smile at a man in any sort of way that means you want to marry him.

so we see the doctors and get a taxi back home. the taxi cab driver is a jerk. he has some kind of super fast meter and the charge is twice as much as it is supposed to be. the two ladies and i refused to give him that much money and he chased us down the street yelling at us. our ladies are tough and one took off her shoe and waved it at the guy (this i guess is a huge insult) and he left us along. i think he knew that he wasn't going to get away with anything this time.

so we get back to SB. and after the taxi cab story was told....they told the "meeting the husband" story. then they started picking on me, telling me that now they understand why i am willing to go to the hospital even though my leg hurts. i tried to convince them that we say thank you and smile in our culture to someone who helps us....but they are convinced that i am after this man.

it made me laugh and feel loved to be picked on by the ladies for something other than my bad bengali.

I think Jesus was laughing with us today.

i love that Josh from the past servant team gave me a game "the Rubix's Revolution". i love that tonight beth and i are going to decorate the house and listen to christmas music. i love that i don't like drinking cold water now. i love my two new pair of earrings...one really big pair of red hoops with white polka dots, and a smaller pair of green hoops with white polka dots. i love that i went christmas shopping and bought something for myself.

Trying to make it Christmas

2007-12-11T07:05:00.000-08:00

I am trying my darnest to make it the Christmas season here. I am thinking about what to buy people, i am sending some Christmas cards, i am listening to Christmas music non-stop (and the mindy smith album is as good as everyone says).

i have been taking the ladies from SB to the hospital for check-ups. i love it. i get to spend time with the ladies and we have to work together to get seen and to get everyone the medicine and information they need. its great. i feel like i am getting to know the ladies even more and realizing how they are becoming forever a part of me...like leaving here is almost scarier than staying because then i would have to say good-bye. this is a good thing and i am trying to embrace it.

got to talk to one of my bestest friends last night...ange. it was awesome.

if you guys could pray for me...am still having joint pain, not near as sever but enough to slow me down and limit what i do. beth and sarah are also still have the same. ready to be well!!!!!

i love mindy smith's christmas album. i love being at sari bari. i love sarah made a folder so i have a place to put receipts and it helps me stay organized. i loved that without asking, gita did our laundry while i was out at the hospital. i love that gita is going to spend the night tomorrow. i love that i sing Christmas carols in taxi, by myself.

a good question

2007-12-09T07:09:00.000-08:00

so things here have been amazing. on Friday i went to the gatch and got to sit with this girl for about an hour and she fed me and we just had small talk. she is sometimes for difficult but she opened up...small victories.

and then yesterday the servant team took the ladies of SB on a trip to the park. It was about perfect. They all had their kids. The weather was amazing. They put bendhi on our hands. It was a heaven on earth moment.

I just want to share a question that i was proposed. We were talking at small group on Thursday night about silence and making space for God etc. etc.
Then this man John, who has been here for about 30 years, says "Yes, but what if the way you relate to God was taken. For example, what if you were illiterate? how would you relate to God? if you were deaf and couldn't have music? How are the women we work with able to relate to God? Jon said that he would often practice these for a months at a time to develop new ways of relating to God. It made me think.

I love that whenever our ex-boyfriends move on it hurts.... no matter how much we thought we were over them. i love the servant team that is here. i love that we went to see a Christmas program last night. i love that i wrote Christmas cards today and couldn't stop crying while writing them. i can't wait to do laundry and watch tv at lilly and allistairs house this week. i love my friends Charlotte and Julian.

I think i am made for this

2007-12-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to actually look at my blog. for some reason blogspot is blocked for us and we can't figure out why. and all of us are too tired to find out why. we can post but we can see or read comments. hwoever, please don't stop leaving comments. eventually we will find out why.

today was amazing. the most amazing day i have had in the gatch in a really really long time. we didn't have a plan. we just knew that we were going to see this kid about work first and then see what happens.
well, it was amazing. we met knew girls and went into three new rooms and met the most amazing girls. their stories are just so so so sad. and we realized today that we are seeing the next generation of young girls. most of the girls we knew when they were 14, or 15 or 16 are now 19 and 20 and that means they are leaving their owners and starting to fidn their own way and that means a whole other generation of girls are on the line. its heartbreaking and thrilling for the possiblity of freedom for these girls all at the same time.

we are starting to feel better. none of us is 100%. we all still have some joing pain, sarah's throat is hurting really bad. keep rpaying for us. i went to the doctors again and we don't have chikengunyia. we have some kind of viral fever that causes reacitve arthritis....oh the joys.
but we are getting better.
it was my first full day back at the gatch and it was awesome.
I love today a man laughed at my bengali because it was so "sweet". i love this 3 year old girl that i met in teh gatch today. we played the imagination game today. i love christmas shopping. i love giving a gift knowing that someone is going to love it. i lvoe that its cold enough here to sleep at night with a blanket, roll the windows up in the taxi and wear a shaw in the morning and the night. i love love winter here. i love waking up early when its cold and being able to snuggle down under mycovers and sleep more (and yes i know cold is relative, buts its india and i am a floridian)